Hovertrax Attax

In the world of personal transportation, evolution is inevitable. Tricycles to bicycles, roller skates to rollerblades, horse-drawn carriages to the latest model Ferrari. Some modes of transportation, however, are destined for evolutionary failure. Call it Darwinism, call it harsh, call it the truth. Segways are one of these modes of transportation.

Segways call to mind cops with nothing to do, tourists too lazy to strap on their sneak- ers and walk, and helmets that make anyone involved look infinitely less cool. If Segways had to have one redeeming quality, though, it may be their stability and safety. They’re upright, they’re easy to maneuver, and they don’t accelerate too fast. Say what you will, but Segways are reliable. We would go as far as to gift them to our technologically-challenged grandmothers. You go Nana. Take back the streets.

Remove the one redeeming quality from Segways, and you have the Hovertrax. Hovertrax are essentially Segways-sans- handle, solely the wheels and a board to stand on. Motorized and skateboard-like, they’re a tech geek’s wet dream. Hovertrax are the latest Kickstarter-fueled technology taking over the world of the wealthy, following in the entitled footsteps of projects like the Ostrich Pillow ($99) and the Oculus Rift Virtual Reality Headset (~$200). Hovertrax look sleek, and you’ll probably make it into a bunch of people’s SnapStories if you roll around the Yard on one, but are they really all that impressive?

With a whopping $1495 price tag, Hovertrax reach a top speed approaching a brisk five miles per hour. FM recommends the following examples of excessive consumerism as alternate ways to flaunt your bloated transportation budget:

Nine hour joy ride in a Boston Town Car- provided Rolls Royce: $1437.25.

Tip for your driver: $57.75.

The tip might be a little light, but weren’t they graced enough by your presence? Anything more would probably offend them.

Taxi fare from Cambridge, Mass., to the Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Factory in Vermont: $792.18.

You don’t have quite enough money to make it back, so you might as well buy the 18 and a half gallons of ice cream that you can with the remaining cash to console yourself.

Canada Goose Kensington Parka: $775.00.

38 Grey Saddleback Pomeranian Geese: $712.50.

Several months of training and integration disguised in your Canada Goose Parka before you are accepted as the alpha of the flock and allowed to crowd-surf on your minions on your way to class.

InStep Quick N EZ Double Bicycle Trailer: $159.99 (Amazon Prime eligible).

Two Huffy Bicycle Company Boys Alpine Bike in Metallic Blue: $299.98 (Amazon Prime eligible).

57 hours of minimum wage at $9 an hour, so about eight work days, to have poorer college students drive you around in your chariot (not Prime eligible).

So, we ask ourselves, is a Hovertrax really worth missing out on bonding with your taxi driver on a fun filled trip to Vermont? Or rais- ing a flock of plucky yet beautiful geese who teach you that all you needed to learn how to do was love yourself, all while wearing a $700-plus “parka?” We judge this superfluous addition to technology surely holds less value than that end-of-the-journey Vermonster.