Arts Vanity Issue: Top 5 Beers for an Arts Board Meeting

Given that I am as-of-yet only 20 years old, I have, of course, never touched a drop of alcohol—but I’ve also been an Arts exec for over one-seventh of my life, which certainly gives me the authority to speak on Arts-related topics. Based on my observations of my fellow Arts board members, then, here are my top five choices for beers to accompany an Arts meeting.

5. Bud Light

If there’s Bud Light at an Arts meeting, it must have been obtained, “borrowed,” or stolen from an inferior board. This vile swill has all the bitterness of a Jude D. Russo review and none of the insight. To partake of a drink so devoid of gustatory value is to demonstrate oneself of far too unrefined tastes for the Arts Board—unless, of course, there is no other alcoholic beverage in the immediate vicinity. Then it should by all means be consumed.

4. Yuengling

This American lager is a newcomer to the Arts board scene, but its low price—about $25 for a 24 pack at C’est Bon—makes it friendly for any unemployed Arts exec’s tight budget. Sure, it doesn’t have any discernible flavor notes or any obvious features at all, but it’s also not at all disgusting. It’s so benign, in fact, that it can be difficult to keep track of how many one has consumed, until the 24 pack is mysteriously empty...

3. Blue Moon

You’re buying for the whole board, you want to step it up a bit, and you’re short on cash. Fortunately, Blue Moon has identified and cornered the “relatively decent but not so expensive that you will refuse to buy it” niche. A Blue Moon Arts meeting is a good Arts meeting, and an exec who brings Blue Moon is comparatively munificent. Much like Goddess Lana Del Rey, Blue Moon certainly has its shortcomings and imperfections—but it so exceeds its environs in quality that it has made itself worthy of the kind of praise heaped on far superior products.

2. Smuttynose

The “Finestkind” IPA has a 91% on Beer Advocate, and it also has a cool, portmanteau-ish name like that Purity Ring song. It is therefore of High Quality and in line with Arts Pretensions. It has fruity notes—though I have no idea of what fruit—and it’s somewhat bitter, but in a pleasant way. Like coffee or something.

1. PBR

It’s not about taste. It’s about tradition.

—Grace E. Huckins is outgoing Arts hanger-on and incoming alcoholic rando.