High fashion borders on the wack, it’s true. Just when you think you’ve seen it all—from terrifyingly foot-contorting “Armadillo” shoes to models strutting down the runway wearing other models as backpacks to soft tufts of fur used as nail polish—someone, namely Tom Ford, steps in and slaps you in the face with the family jewels. And no, that’s not a figure of speech.
Sure, a gold-plated penis necklace isn’t everyone’s preferred form of aesthetic expression. Like any great work of art, Tom Ford’s phallus-shaped pendant has simultaneously fanned the flames of controversy and adoration. The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights allegedly protested the necklace on the grounds that it too closely resembles a crucifix, but this simply adds to its artistic charm. Theories abound that the resemblance is not merely an accident but rather a pointed allusion to similarly phallic Roman “fascinus” charms, the wearing of which is a practice that originated in the Church itself. Also, like a good modernist painting, Ford’s necklace leaves room for interpretation while still acknowledging the diversity of its audience. In sizing—a sensitive topic for many—Ford’s design team has taken care to include a comprehensive array of sizes for the sensitive male ego: small, medium, and large.
Need more convincing? Look no further than your sartorial experts—the necklace has its fair share of fashion-world admirers. High-powered fashion blogger Bryanboy, for instance, just about sums it up in his stirring critique (circa 2014):
It’s gold. (ok, fine, if you want to be technical, it’s gold-plated brass)
It’s a piece of jewelry.
It’s a penis.
It’s Tom Ford.
Best Christmas present to self EVER!!!”
Pure art is priceless. Consider yourself lucky, then, to have this penis pendant at your purchasing disposal for the low price of $800.
—Staff writer Qianqian Yang can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.