The blog of The Harvard Crimson

Crimson Outeats Lampoon in Pizza Contest, 23-2

'Poonsters Await Corporate Sponsors
'Poonsters wait for their corporate sponsors on their dilapidated steps.

SORRENTO SQUARE—Overcoming subpar pizza, dishonest officiating, and clumsy attempts at cheating, The Harvard Crimson topped the Harvard Lampoon 23-2 in a no-holds-barred pizza eating competition Wednesday afternoon.

Corporate shills at the semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally published a so-called humor magazine organized the event—a thinly-veiled promotion for a local business that occasionally produces so-called pizza—which took place in front of the dilapidated steps of the Lampoon’s Sorrento Square building.

Anchored by heavyweight Jarele Soyinka ’19, The Crimson put away roughly 23 boxes of pizza in a heroic feat of athleticism and intestinal fortitude. Representatives of the Lampoon, despite flaunting the rules by substituting in a hungry local vagrant, only managed to consume a collective two slices.

Organizational inefficiencies plagued the event, which did not begin until 40 minutes after its scheduled start time. Lampoon staffer David P. Frankle ’18 appeared visibly impatient at the delay. When the pizzeria staff finally arrived with the surprisingly small and already-lukewarm pizza pies, Frankle smiled hungrily.

‘Poonsters distributed pens, t-shirts, and other corporate memorabilia from the pizzeria. Though pizzeria-affiliated referees incorrectly called the event for the ‘Poon, spectators and numerous reporters verified that The Crimson had, in fact, eaten more pizza.

The pizza-eating competition took the place of this year’s annual Crimson-Lampoon Softball game. The Crimson has won the last 141 contests and, at press time, analysts were already predicting a 23-2 Crimson victory next year.

—Staff writer Andrew M. Duehren can be reached in Adams F-03.

—Staff writer C. Ramsey Fahs cannot be reached.

Q Guide Drinking Game

After a long, drawn out spring semester, you probably have a lot of feelings about your classes, including the unexpected 8 hr/week workload and that unwarranted B- your Gen Ed TF gave you. You might be reluctant to express your feelings in their true form, since they may be, how shall we put this, harsh. Flyby has the solution for you: copious amounts of alcohol. And there’s no better way to get trashed than a good old fashioned drinking game.

Q Guide Evaluation
*Cracks knuckles* *Pops cork*

Evaluate the Course Overall

The first question on the course evaluation is a pretty broad overview, but it’ll tell you a lot about how the rest of the rating is going to go. Chances are it may not be good. If you answer:
Excellent, Very Good, Good - Take a sip, this one’ll be easy.
Fair, Unsatisfactory - Take a shot, you’ll need it when you start roasting your incompetent TF.

Workload

If your workload was over 8+ hours a week, take a shot. You could use a little bit of unwinding and relaxation after a semester of agony.
If your workload is under 4 hours, take a sip, you lucky dog, you.

How Did This Course Change You?

We’re pretty sure Intro to Bible didn’t convert you, and honestly we feel it’s pretty hard to answer this question if you never showed up to lecture or did any of the readings.
If you have no idea what to say, take a shot. Take two if you’re truly at a loss for words.

Rating your Professor/TF

For every curse word you use/want to use, take a loooong sip. Every insult, take a sip. Every time you think about how deeply you’ve been wronged, take a sip.
On the other hand, finish your drink if you feel your professor was truly one-of-a-kind. This is a momentous occasion, so better celebrate it!

Not only will you get lit, but you’ll also get your final grades back early (which may lead to even more drinking). Invite over your salty study-buddies, and kick off reading period with a fun night roasting your professor and reminiscing about that midterm you all failed. Happy evaluating!

How To: Formal Season

Classes are finally over and formal season is here to let us live before the impending doom of finals. As formals are classier than regular parties but still sloppy and awkward, we’re here to help you navigate the confusing week of legendary nights you won’t remember.

Bring a date

The easiest way to get a date is to just ask. Seriously, you don’t have to stage an elaborate promposal involving serenades or HUPD—just put those famed Harvard networking skills to use and shoot them a text to hang out. Also, as you’re probably bad at dealing with rejection, just chill out if they say no. Shockingly, you don’t have to pretend they’re dead to you when you see them around.

Look fly on a budget

If you’re not willing to drop some serious cash on formal wear (imagine how many Felipe’s burritos you could buy instead!), there are plenty of low-cost options around. For those of you who are into dresses, Amazon has many nice styles that won’t put a dent into your latte budget. If you're looking for a suit, wear your consulting interview blazer (we know you have one). Alternatively, shop around—you have hundreds of other wardrobes right in your building. If all fails, you can always loosely interpret “black tie suggested” and come in whatever—Securitas does not double as the fashion police (sadly).

Pregame

First of all, don’t get too lit. There is a reason we don’t have formals in fancy hotel ballrooms anymore (thanks Class of 2017 for not letting us have nice things), so don’t yak so badly that the next year formals will be held in Lamont. Also, if you really want to make the night (un)memorable, sneak your drinks underneath your clothes as your clutches and bags will be checked.

Crash a formal

Nobody knows why formal tickets are so pricy nowadays (are tents, fairy lights and mediocre DJs that expensive?). Shmooze a HoCo chair and find out how people are marked at the entrance then draw an X on your hand or tie a ribbon and pretend you left to go to the bathroom. Or just down a few for courage and sneak up from behind. And don’t forget to laugh at the fools who bought their tickets late off the email list for 50 bucks.

So have fun but don’t make a fool of yourself and remember that you can try again next semester if you finally get the courage to ask that Eliot cutie to Fete ;)

Screw Stanford, Pick Harvard

The deadline to make your college choice is drawing near, dear prefrosh. Around 60 percent of cross-admits make the right choice, but we’re here to convince pre-frosh to go Crimson just in case the future 40 percent makes the biggest mistake of their lives. Here are all the reasons why you should ditch the trees and party with us this fall instead. After all, while Stanford may be the “Harvard of the West Coast,” we are still the Harvard of everything.

The Oval
The Oval, a floral garden that features the cardinal "S" logo of Stanford University, marks the official visual entrance to the campus.

Stanford students hate it

First of all, even Stanford students themselves love to rant about their school’s many shortcomings. Several years ago, a Stanford Daily writer created a Google Doc where over a hundred students complained about everything from the residential life to lack of diversity and good food. Wow, Stanford kids are actually doing our work for us here.

Stanford who?

Founded a whopping 250 years after Harvard, Stanford is a still mere plebe. We’ve got seven (!) United States President alumni. How many does Stanford have? One—and Hoover is surely no JFK or Obama. Furthermore, when is the last time you’ve seen a Stanford reference on TV? Exactly.

Ain’t got no cash

The community college of Palo Alto lacks not only the prestige and fame of the oldest university in the US but also our funds. With the biggest university endowment in the world, Harvard offers 11 percent more financial aid to 9 percent more students, compared to Stanford. We ain’t sayin you’re a Gold Digger but you shouldn’t mess with no broke colleges unless you like student debt.

Middle of nowhere

With the closest major city a whole hour away and virtually no businesses (or human life for that matter) around campus, Stanford is literally located in a big dusty farm. If you come to Harvard though, the T will whisk you away to the center of Boston in less than 20 minutes. Bonus points: a lit weekend in NYC is a mere 3 hours away!

Inferior social life

Maybe the lack of late night eateries and tiny dorms are to blame for the absolute lack of any resemblance of a party culture, but Stanford’s social scene is dryer (in both senses) than the jokes of a semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine. You will also be asked to leave the school if you are caught with any alcohol...

Stanford students kind of suck

No shade (but totally shade), the quality of the student body is seriously lacking. To put it simply, Stanford students cheat a lot and an admissions officer once said. "We could have thrown out all the students we accepted, and chosen a new class from the ones rejected, and we would have a stronger class." Can Stanford students even catch a break at this point?

At this point if you don’t choose Harvard over a broken mess of an institution, you are a masochist. Sad for the students already enrolled there, who not only deal with all of the above, but wear an uglier shade of red.

Darty Season: Pros and Cons

It’s almost summer (fingers crossed), and that can only mean one thing: darty season. Whether you’re looking to enjoy the end of spring on campus instead of studying for finals, or you’re looking ahead to post-finals freedom, we see a few darties in your future. We love a good darty, but like everything in life, there are tradeoffs.

Pro: Think of the possibilities…

The daytime allows for a lot more excitement in terms of party themes and activities. We’re talking pool parties, barbeques (who doesn’t love to chill and grill?), and maybe even some spike ball (or Frisbee throwing—both equally amazing bro activities).

Con: No time for homework, or literally anything else

We don’t like to admit it, but we go to Harvard, and most of us are try-hards. A darty takes up most of the day and renders the rest of the day useless due to the post-darty daze. We like to stick to parties at night so that we can spend the day grinding through psets.

Pro: New frontier of party outfits

Did someone say Coachella? There’s something special about outfits on hot summer days that just can’t be replicated at night—we’re talking crochet crop tops and bucket hats—so darties help us diversify our party fashion. Do it for the Instagram, as they say, since Vine is dead.

Con: Actually dead by 8 p.m.

If you went to Yardfest (and began drinking mid-afternoon), you know exactly what we’re talking about. It’s very hard to rally once the alcohol and adrenaline wears off, so the choice to darty is the choice to not party that night. You’d hate to miss out on the fun the evening could hold because you passed out just after sunset.

Pro: More sunlight=more tanning time

It’s productive to make friends, have fun, and get tanned all at the same time, right? For those of us looking to replace our winter selves with a glossier, sun-kissed summer version, the darty is the ideal place to wear minimal clothing and get maximal sun exposure.

Con: We can’t rely on Boston weather

Since we’re still struggling to battle through a few cold days in April, how can we expect to have weather good enough for a darty? It’s impossible to plan a darty in advance because we can’t know if it’ll be 80 degrees and sunny or thunder-snowing, which can be quite the deal breaker for a good darty.

The jury is still out on this form of partying, but we recommend that you check one out for yourself before loving or hating darties altogether.

Close Encounters of the Bird Kind

Hard to believe, but it’s nearly May. There’s no disputing the fact that spring is here—or at least, it will be as soon as the rain clears away for good. But it turns out there’s a hidden danger to darty weather that none of us could ever have anticipated. Predators can be camouflaged in the most innocent of places…

Harvard Turkey
A turkey wanders around Harvard Yard.

MassWildlife has issued a warning about creatures that will have you locking your doors and windows—flocks of wild turkeys. You read that right. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo' wives, because it’s turkey breeding season and aggressive turkeys everywhere will not hesitate to, um, “strut their stuff.” "How does this affect little old me in my cozy Harvard dorm?" you might be asking. Well, MassWildlife says that turkeys often attack humans that they see as “low in the pecking order.”

Harvard nerds. That’s right.

Stay vigilant. Turkeys don’t discriminate between engineering nerds and Hist & Lit nerds when seeking out prey. Turkeys don’t care if you’re just trying to make it back to your room after a night of cramming. And turkeys especially don’t give a hoot about your Goldman Sachs internship. Beware the shadows lurking in the street corners, especially those of the avian sort. They can smell your fear. When you show up, humiliated and thoroughly pecked, to your next class, everyone will know that turkeys think you’re inferior.

Most Harvard students adore the Harvard turkey, who is something of a campus celebrity. But we advise that you stay well away from our feathery friend until the fall comes around again. Being pecked is simply not worth a selfie.

What’s that, you say? The Harvard turkey would never do such a thing? On your own head be it. Sometimes the person you’d take a bullet for is the one that pulls the trigger.

Alternative Punch Events for the 21st Century Final Club

Strip clubs and dolla bills? Seems a little trite to us. In not-so-breaking news, the Delphic paid $350 for strippers at a punch event back in 2010. Although this cost came “before tips and extracurriculars,” it seems a little low—they couldn’t get more expensive exotic dancers? Granted, the company name “Shamrock Entertainment” evokes an image of a beer-gutted Bostonian sipping a thick green shamrock shake more than high-class eroticism.

The Delphic Club (center) is one of Harvard's eight all-male final clubs.

Of course, decorum and leadership could have changed within the Delphic since the racy occasion. To give them the benefit of the doubt, 2010 was a notably poor-taste year for all of us, marred by Bieber hair and jeggings. In case they haven’t quite learned from their mistakes, Flyby has some advice for Final Clubs on punch event activities that aren’t ripped right out of a 1920s playbook:

Topiary Trimming

Initiate punchers with an afternoon of garden grooming. The hedgery outside the Linden Street house could use some TLC, and what better way for a couple dudes to bond than over aesthetic horticulture? Why “play Edward 40-hands” when you could pay homage to the classic film with some landscaping?

Pin the Tail on the Donkey

The blindfolds, the tease, the intrigue. This childhood classic poses as a sexy substitute. Offer up the first slice of ice cream cake as a reward for a successful pin. Ogling the celebratory cake at the end of the game and chasing some pin-up donkey tail? Perfect PG13 fun!

Pony Rides

$325 (under budget!) covers 120 pony rides for up to 50 children to make for a wholesome evening. Do the math, that’s 2-3 rides per (man)child!

Nota Bene: Not the same type of riding advertised by Shamrock Entertainment.

Harvard Square's Best Gluten-Free Eats

With the pitiful range of options at HUDS, a big appetite, and a small budget, life is hard out here for a gluten free college gal. While my allergy prevents me from devouring Noch’s or Kong, luckily, Harvard Square presents a variety of eateries which cater to a gluten-free diet. Here are my top picks, all of which I’ve sampled these past two semesters:

For Pizza - Just Crust

Just Crust takes the prize with its goldilocks greasiness, thinner crust, and overall texture and taste. Often gluten-free dough falls between the extremes of burnt-and-bland cardboard or undercooked cardboard, but Just Crust gets it just right. Places like Domino’s and Otto’s only offer full gluten free pizzas, usually with disappointing diameters and for upwards of $13. Just Crust, on the other hand, allows one to satisfy their pizza cravings at a cheaper per-slice price.

For Mexican - Border Cafe

Corn tortillas or chips naturally do not contain wheat, making Mexican places normally a typically safe option for gluten-free folks. Unfortunately, square favorites like Felipe’s and Jefe’s contaminate these options by sharing surfaces and fryers with flour tortillas, making them iffy or dangerous for those with allergies. But Border Cafe takes extra care with preparing your food, so you can be sure your corn tortilla tacos are good to go. Most importantly, the overflowing baskets of still-warm chips brought to your table throughout the meal are fried separately, so you don’t have to feel too guilty about filling up before you’ve even looked at the menu. An honorable mention goes to Chipotle, which falls in “Mexican” territory but is really in a league of its own.

For a Sit-Down Dinner - Beat Brasserie

Favorite dishes include “Luxe” pulled-pork nachos, shrimp tacos, and ‘Fall Off the Bone’ baby back ribs. With pricier menu items, dim lighting, and live music, it’s the perfect spot to have your parents or friends treat you to on a special occasion.

For Dessert - J.P. Lick’s

Most J.P. Lick’s ice cream flavors are naturally gluten-free, and its cheery atmosphere and proximity can’t be beat. Everyone, your non gluten-free friends included, likes J.P. Licks, so you can accommodate your dietary needs (yes, ice cream is a need) and won’t have to force your gluten-eating friends out of their comfort zone. An honorable mention goes to Sweet Bakery, which always has a couple gluten free options like cupcakes or brownies, brought in from dedicated gluten-free facilities.

And if you’re feeling adventurous...check out these places ~beyond Harvard square~

Mr. Crepe - Davis Square

Gluten free sweet and savory crepes!

Tavern in the Square - Central Square, Porter Square

Clearly marked “gf” menu items include nachos, fancy pizzas, burgers and sandwiches with gluten free buns, and safely-fried french fries, tater tots, and onion rings!

Thelonius Monkfish - Central Square

This fancier restaurant, which fuses a sushi bar with a jazz bar, has an extensive gluten-free menu, boasting fried rices with gluten-free soy sauce and rich Pad Thai.

Al Dente - North End

Gluten-free pasta and bread are hard to come by, and this authentic Italian restaurant offers both!

Best Pop Culture Mentions of Harvard

Legally Blonde
Freshmen gather on the steps of Widener Library to watch the screening of "Legally Blonde," hosted by the College Events Board on Thursday, Aug. 29.

There’s no denying that the Harvard brand is the pinnacle of collegiate glory. As ubiquitous as Apple and Starbucks (ironically two favorites of Harvard students) and as old—older than, actually— as JP Morgan Chase, another student favorite, our college’s logo is affixed to every kind of merch on the market. So it’s no surprise that our lionized university is invoked in popular culture more often than any other academic institution in the world. While literally every piece of media drop the H bomb sooner or later, we’ve compiled the most noteworthy mentions of the most hip and relevant University on the planet. We apologize in advance for flexin’.

The Simpsons

Unsurprisingly, Harvard has been mentioned a couple dozen times on this classic. After all, ten percent of television’s full time humour writers hail from our hallowed gates. Our absolute favorite Harvard reference? Lisa’s burn that left the Harvard rejects’ pile in shambles in “Barthood.”

Bart: Do you know what it's like to be second-best at anything?

Lisa: Yeah, I do! I'm going to Yale!

WE’RE ABSOLUTELY SHOOK

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

The protagonist of this binge-worthy comedy, Rebecca Bunch has done everything on the Harvard student’s bucket list: she’s written for The Crimson (something you should all do), worked for a prestigious New York law firm, and was even “rhythmically trashed by a junior visiting from the Brown improv troupe” on the night of the Dunster House formal. Despite her, shall we say inclination, for donning a Harvard sweatshirt to yoga and just generally name dropping our alma mater a tad too much, we still recognize ourselves in this lovable broken mess of an overachiever.

BoJack Horseman

The writers of this Netflix original clearly have some beef with the Lampoon. Not one but two characters are mentioned to have “written” for the semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine. Just as expected, these personas— the awkward nepotistic intern Charlie and the pretentious Cuddlywhiskers—are just as awful (very realistic) as the real deal.

30 Rock

Staffed by a slew of “hyper intelligent Harvard boys,” 30 Rock basically came for our lives by taking a jab at our pretentious use of Harvard lingo in “Plan B”:

Liz: What did you major in?

Toofer: Sorry?? I don’t understand?? Oooooh I seeeee, (condescending mode activated) at Harvard we call them concentrations.

Scream Queens

This trashy comedy takes pretentiousness to a whole new level by portraying a Harvard-educated doctor losing his hand while trying to save his class ring from a bristly demise in his garbage disposal. He didn’t suffer through all those all nighter for nothing—he definitely had to have something to show it, and a degree from Harvard Medical School just wasn’t enough. Talk about school spirit #gocrimson.

People vs. OJ Simpson

We all know that guy with whom “every eighth word coming out of his mouth is Harvard.” Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz, one of the original “dream team” members, was apparently one of these guys #noshade.

Bonus round

We know you expected “Legally Blonde,” “Love Story,” and the “Social Network” to make the cut, but with two of these iconic Harvard movies being shown during the opening days, you already know what they’re all about. What, like it’s hard?

So if you want to feel good about going to the most famous college in the world, cheap validation is just a Netflix click away.

Flyby Matchmaker: Chance Encounters and Double Dates

Russell Reed ’20 is a freshmen from Del Mar, Calif. who finds the Ec 10 enrollment laughable. Angel Navidad ’20, also a freshmen, hails from San Pedro, Belize and wants to study biology, but is not a premed. We sent them to one of Reed’s favorite study spots, The Fogg, to see if they’d hit it off.

Matchmaker: Russell and Angel
Russell Reed '20 and Angel Navidad '20 pose for a selfie.

Russell: My friends were like ‘Wow what a great idea. All of us should fill this out. None of us will get it, but it would be so funny if we did.’ I was kind of hesitant, but why not? It will be a funny story. And then, naturally, I’m the one who got it—It was very much a group message peer pressure thing.

Angel: I got there before [the café] closed. I didn’t know how [finding each other] was going to work so I was just hanging around, not knowing who he was and thinking I would just wait seven minutes and leave, but, fortunately, it was Russell.

Russell: [Jenny’s Café at the Harvard Art Museum] was closing at the time, but I went in and brought up my little coupon and was whispering to the people at the front asking ‘have you seen anyone else using it yet?’ They said ‘yeah actually we did’ and I asked if should I be concerned and they were like ‘no he’s super cute, wearing a blue polo.’

Angel: I was really stoked. I knew him before (from Opening Days) and knew he was cool and all.

Russell: We hugged and started.

Angel: We looked at [previous Flyby Matchmaker articles] to see what we should ask each other and we were like ‘oh shoot these guys seem like they’re having so much fun and we’re just being boring on a coffee date talking about concentrations.’ So, we tried to diversify.

Russell: We didn’t know each other super well so it was a lot of getting to know each other better which was cool. I didn’t even know he lives in Mass. Hall and I live in Matthews so we’re like right next to each other.

Angel: We talked about blocking groups and the housing and all that. And, his cool mom… [our conversation] just confirmed that he was a cool guy.

Russell: I got Lowell, so I’m super excited—the ‘Lowtel’ as I like to call it. He was blocking with his entire FIP family and a lot of friends did FIP so we had a lot of people in common to talk about. We ended up wandering around and talking about how Harvard is considering getting rid of blocking and how we both had really positive experiences with it. Harvard’s policies—my favorite date conversation.

Angel: He is going to be by the river so yeah [we’ll see each other again], Unfortunately. [laughs] No, he’s cool… I’ll probably see him again.

Russell: It’s one of those things where we were hesitant friends who would say ‘hi’ to each other, but now that we’ve had this funny experience together we’ll probably actually hang out and grab coffee by choice and pay for ourselves. Who knows? It really was fun; overall a very positive experience.

Interested in going on a Flyby Matchmaker date, but too scared to go at it alone? Now, if you and a friend both fill it out and mark that you want to go on a double date, we’ll try to make that happen!

Drop Lamont, Study Better

As results from midterm season start to roll in, you may be realizing that perhaps it's time to refine your studying techniques. Or maybe that you should have studied in the first place. We get it. Studying in your room is impossible when you have a bed right there calling your name. Your other options seem to limited to Lamont and Widener, which are radiating enough stress and angst that it sends you rocketing back to your middle school emo phase. And stop lying to yourself—you’re not getting any work done in Lamont Cafe. So, as finals season creeps toward us, scope out some of these alternative study spaces:

Studying Atop Widener Steps
Taiga Abe '17 and Marlon Seijo '18, both neurobiology concentrators, study outside on top of Widener Library's steps, overlooking the yard. Though still shopping week, Seijo was already hard at work on Chemistry 17: “Principles of Organic Chemistry.”

The New Cabot Science Library

Newly renovated and just recently unveiled, the Cabot Science Library in the Science Center should be your new study space. Everything is so sleek and shiny, and not yet imprinted with the stench of all-nighters and despair. Many parts are spacious, not restricting you to the tight cubicle designed constraints that Lamont offers. Also, Clover is apparently manning the cafe, so if you like seiten, give it a go.

Harvard Law School Library

This is a library we feel exists more as a myth than an actuality, but we're certain it must be somewhere on campus. Urban legends say that this library has free coffee after 9 p.m., but it seems like everyone who tells you about the HLS Library has never actually been there. We've heard only good things, though. Also, the more you frequent it, the greater the likelihood of you marrying a rich lawyer, which means you don’t have to worry about studying anyways.

The Great Outdoors

After months of a grueling, exhausting winter, spring is finally here! Reap these benefits, bring your books outside, and plop yourself in one of the Yard’s many multicolored chairs. Or sit on Widener's steps (don’t actually step foot in Widener though). It’s hard to be miserable cramming for SLS 20 when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. You’ll need the Vitamin D after two weeks of living like a cave-dweller in Lamont.

We think it’s high time you try to give one of these other places a shot—not only because we want the word “Lamonster” to be eliminated from our vocabularies, but because we want this finals season to be your best yet!

Five Ways to Spot a Prefrosh

With Visitas this weekend, the Yard is flooded with naive, excited young faces eager to experience what Harvard is like, if only for a weekend. Beyond the standard lanyard and free COOP class t-shirt combination, here are some surefire giveaways that you’re walking past a prefrosh on your way to Lamont this weekend—and an indication that you should probably wave hello to make them feel welcomed.

Free Shirts for Hosts
The Undergraduate Admissions Office distributed t-shirts to undergraduates hosting admitted students to thank them for their contributions to Visitas Weekend.

The drawstring bags

These are the staples of the prefrosh’s Visitas style. It’s both a method of identification and recognition between prefrosh and a smoke signal that yes, this is indeed a prefrosh and not just a tourist wandering through the Yard.

The look of awe and excitement

From the moment a prefrosh steps out of the T station into Harvard Square, they (and likely their parents) are grinning from ear to ear, taking in the energy and novelty of Harvard. This awe and excitement doesn’t diminish over the entire weekend, with prefrosh strolling around Harvard Yard like they already own the place. It’s almost as if their AP exams and finals don’t matter anymore.

Confusion

Prefrosh can usually be found with a map of Harvard on their person at all times. However, many will still manage to make their way to Lowell to ask where Lowell Lecture Hall is.

Mispronouncing building names

Pro-tip: Sever Hall is pronounced like “see-ver”, not sever like you’re severing someone’s head.

Improper fashion

There are many strange fashion statements that a prefrosh could make that don’t fall into Harvard’s salmon-shorts-and-Sperrys aesthetic. The prefrosh may be a native Californian who has no idea how to dress for Cambridge weather and complains about the cold incessantly while wearing shorts and a T-shirt. Or (even more revealing), the prefrosh may be wearing a shirt with some configuration of “SEN17RS” on the back. We’ve all been there. These shirts end up as pajamas the moment you start college.

Whether you love them or hate them, be sure you know how to spot the members of the Class of 2021 this weekend.

Dude, That’s Rude: Prefrosh

It’s that time of year again—Visitas. It's impossible to miss, with the aggressive emails asking current students to host and the swarms of prefrosh in nametags around campus. A note to the upperclassmen: we all remember the awkward struggle that was Visitas, so cut these prefrosh a little slack—Harvard can be a scary place.

And to the prefrosh: there are a few things that just don’t fly with us, and we’d rather you know what not to do. Watch out for these Visitas mishaps and you should have a relatively pain-free revisit experience.

Travelling in Packs So Large That No One Can Pass

We see you coming from a mile away with your bright red drawstrings, lanyards, and slightly terrified smiles. If you see us coming—look out for jaded, hung-over people rushing to the library—please form a single file line to pass. The paths in the Yard are wide enough for both of us if you don’t travel in six-person-wide lines.

Crowding the Dining Halls

It will be literally impossible for freshmen to go to Annenberg this weekend without waiting a half an hour for food. We get it, being a prefrosh is hungry work and learning the ins and outs of the Berg's social life is a key skill. But please, don’t stroll around checking out the food options for ten minutes; there’s nothing that great, we promise.

Getting Too Drunk/Rowdy at Your First College Party

We’ve all experienced the excitement that comes from your first college party. Your parents aren’t around (we hope—see next point), the world of alcohol is new and exciting, and it’s time to prove to yourself that you will be more fun in college than you were in high school. But we beg you: don’t overdo it on the alcohol, or the fun for that matter. There are plenty more opportunities in your future for bad decision-making.

Judgmental Prefrosh Parents

There’s nothing worse than taking out the trash—we’re talking over 100 beer cans—from the night before and seeing prefrosh parents staring at you in judgment. We understand the judgmental looks: You are afraid to let your star student go into the world of PBR. But please cut us some slack, we promise that we have our life together. Also, don’t sit down next to us in Berg when we’re trying to work and start grilling us about the academic rigor of Harvard. Take our word for it when we say that this is a hard place.

Keep these few tips in mind and we can safely say that you won’t make any upperclassmen enemies before you arrive in fall. But if you pull any of these moves, don’t be surprised if we say: dude, that’s rude.

Tiësto’s Top Hits

So we finally know who the Yardfest artist is, after a pretty agonizing wait. We’ve all heard complaints about the announcement. You say you’ve never heard of him? Think again—we’ve compiled a list of Tiësto’s most famous songs, and we can guarantee that you’ve heard some of them. And if you haven’t, it’s time to get listening so that you can gear up for one of the best days of the semester.

Wasted

Let’s face it, we like almost everything better when we’re wasted (including Yardfest). You’ve heard this jam too many times on the radio, it was played long past its used-by date, and it’s about to make a comeback. Expect a lot of excitement when Tiësto gets to this track.

Red Lights

This is the song that you’ve heard at plenty of parties but you probably never knew what it was called or who it was by. Well, this is a Tiësto signature, so now you can’t forget it. On a serious note, we hope that Tiësto drives safely on the way to Harvard and does not, in fact, run those red lights.

All of Me (Remix)

We know that you know Tiësto’s remix of the John Legend classic. It’s just the right mixture of emotional ballad and upbeat dance music. It’ll get stuck in your head all day, so don’t be surprised if your foot starts tapping during lecture.

The Only Way Is Up

Maybe the rumors about Martin Garrix for Yardfest were onto something, since this song marks the creative union of Tiësto and Garrix. It is a classic EDM number, with words that cannot be fully made out and some quality beat drops.

Secrets

Tiësto put together this track in collaboration with KSHMR and Vassy (Will they make surprise appearances at Yardfest? We sense a new rumor in the making here.) We know that Tiësto knows a little something about keeping secrets, though, from how long we had to wait to find out that he’d be the artist.

If you aren’t listening to these songs on repeat between now and Yardfest, you should really reassess your priorities. Tiësto definitely has some gems and we’re excited to hear them in our own backYard.

How to Hypothetically Celebrate Boston's First Legal 4/20

Hey, man. Not to be blunt, but you should probably know by now that Massachusetts decided to puff, puff, pass the legislation that makes recreational marijuana legal for the 21+ crowd. Let’s be honest, we all knew California was going to legalize that green goodness, but Massachusetts? Pretty sure not too many people had high hopes. However, our trusty ol’ Commonwealth decided to light one up for all the cannabis crusaders and approve this dope law. In honor of the first 4/20 in post-legalization Massachusetts, we’ve grinded out the details of what would be the dankest spots to hit up today if we lived in a world where Harvard—and the federal government—let smoking on campus fly.

The River - A favorite of campus potheads, the river provides the ideal outdoor vibes for all your smoking needs. Not recommended January through March, when gloves and a pre-rolled joint are necessary, but ideal for late April.

Cabot Rooftop - For all you quadlings who are partial to chronic, Cabot rooftop gives you both privacy and a sick view. Day or night, this high-up spot is a great place to get high. Other roofs for reefin’ include the Carpenter Center and the Science Center.

Fogg Museum Steps - It’s literally called the Fogg, guys. This spot is a favorite of the seasoned smoker, and definitely a good one for a chillier night. Head down the staircase that leads to the basement of the museum and light up under the shelter provided by questionably clean concrete walls. Flashlight optional.

Cambridge Commons - Meeting up with a smoke squad of both quadlings and river homies? This spot is the perfect compromise. For the spookier crowd, there’s always the cemetery across the way. Just make sure you don’t confuse smoke clouds for ghosts.

Lowell Community Garden - Grass belongs in a garden, so what better place to light up than our very own community garden? For all the blazers who frequent the esteemed establishments of Mt. Auburn Street on the weekends, take a break from dancing on tabletops to consume some grade-A kush.

Your Room - For the lazy blazers. But hey, those fire escapes are pretty rad.

We’re definitely not saying you should make a trip to these locations today. That would be wrong. But maybe these spots will convince Snoop to play at Yardfest next time around.

Editor’s Note: Smoking in public spaces is still illegal under Massachusetts legislation. Read more about the nuances of Massachusetts’s marijuana laws here, and about Harvard’s drug and alcohol policies here, which prohibit smoking on campus.

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