The Hoochies Strike Back: Harvard’s Biggest Fans Return To Talk Crimson Sports, Linsanity, and Mark Zuckerberg

Published by Martin Kessler on February 23, 2012 at 3:12AM

Sex sells. We learned that firsthand when we interviewed the Harvard Hoochies, a group of self-proclaimed “BU biddies, hooching and husband hunting at Harvard Final Clubs,” and our Q&A quickly became one of The Crimson’s most read stories.

But a force even more powerful soon came along to dethrone the Hoochies from the top spot: Jeremy Lin. With the national spread of Linsanity, Lin’s name became gold. For nearly two weeks, any article with the words “Jeremy Lin” got more hits than Pete Rose, the Beatles, and Mike Tyson combined. But why stop there? We’re combining the Hoochies and Linsanity to create one unstoppable combo. Enjoy.

The Harvard Crimson: What’s been going on since we last caught up?

Harvard Hoochies: Still hooching. Still eating anything with zero calories. The only thing that’s changed is now we have a website chronicling past Hoochie obscenities.

THC: Have any new athletes come onto your radar?

HH: Wrestling is looking good. The less neck the better (if you’re into beefcakes in spandex).

THC: The last time we talked, you only mentioned upperclassmen as your favorite athletes. Any freshmen make the cut (or at least count as prospects)?

HH: Our first priority is to look at the Harvard men who are in final clubs and on sports teams. No, The Pudding does not count. Freshmen are an insignificant sub-species.

THC: Our last conversation got close to as many hits as our top Jeremy Lin articles from the past two weeks. How does that make you feel?

HH: Like we’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize for being promiscuous, controversial, and just plain fabulous.

THC: What’s been the response to your new website?

HH: Overwhelmingly positive. Biddies relate to our stories and readers are interested in the trouble we always find ourselves in. None of us ever actually realize how ridiculous some of these moments are until we write them down. The site is charitable if you think about it. We make people laugh and in turn, Jesus loves us.

THC: Thoughts on the basetent [the Delphic’s outdoor party space]?

HH: The basetent is ingenious. Who thinks of that??? It’s the funniest thing to happen to the final club scene in a long time. The Delphic is possibly the most personable final club. It’s made up of several down-to-earth, hilarious men on campus. They are always looking for a good time and don’t mind getting sloppy in the name of fun. Not to mention, the club consists of baseball, wrestling, and rugby bros.

THC: Have you used any of our pickup lines? Do you have any better ones?

HH: Harvard Hoochie pickup lines:

When we get divorced, I’ll let you keep the summer home.

Your bank account is very attractive.

I look forward to Facebook stalking you.

Let’s both be committed to hooking up and then ignoring each other in public.

You pretend you like me for my personality, and I’ll pretend I’m not after you for your legacy sperm.

THC: Jeremy Lin or Mark Zuckerberg?

HH: There are 7 of us…both.

THC: Jeremy Lin, Mark Zuckerberg, or Kyle Casey?

HH: HAHAH

HAHHAHAHAH

All 3.

Don’t act surprised.

THC: Who is more likely to get a date with Jeremy Lin: the Harvard Hoochies or Kim Kardashian?

HH: Considering the fact that Lin at one point wanted to become a priest, he would hands down consider us morally superior to Kim K. Have we made a sex tape? No. Have we posed for Playboy? Not yet. Did any of us get divorced twice? Not yet. Does Kim have a Harvard fetish? Clearly NO considering her stunt with a gigantor, mediocre basketball player who resembles Frankenstein and likes lake parties in Minnesota.

Hopefully that answers your question.

THC: Thoughts on Jeremy Lin’s hair?

HH: That’s like asking if we hate Zucks for being a ginger. Who cares about one’s hair when one’s wallet overshadows everything?

THC: What do you guys think the keys to victory will be for the Harvard men’s basketball team against Princeton this coming weekend?

HH: Harvard has the advantage of this being a home game. Let’s put it this way: if you take a Hoochie out of Harvard, our hooching dynamic is completely thrown off. But when we are in fact hooching in Harvard Square per usual, we’re on our game.

THC: Neither Jeremy Lin nor Mark Zuckerberg were in final clubs, yet they are both, as you would say, “Grade-A man meat.” What does it take for a non-final club member to reach this level, and have sportswriters crossed this threshold?

HH: If you’re from Harvard and have created a name for yourself, we likely want to reproduce with you sans a prenuptial agreement…even if you’re a NARP (a normal average regular person). And no, we can’t think of any sportswriters who have crossed that threshold, but Martin, maybe you’ll be the first. :)