Ladies and Gentlemen: The Crimcademy Awards

Published by Taryn I. Kurcz on February 29, 2012 at 3:12AM

If you are like most people, you were probably pretty disappointed with the Oscars on Sunday night.

Save the unexpected showings by Cirque du Soleil and Angelina Jolie’s leg, depending on what you’re into, you probably were looking for something that had a little bit more pizazz.

Well I’m here to tell you that Billy Crystal is not the only one who can read minds.

We at The Crimson Sports know you all are dying to hear the winners of the Oscars, Harvard Athletics style—the Crimcademy Awards, if you will.

So before somebody cues the music to end my monologue, for your consideration…

Best Adapted Screenplay: Men’s Tennis

Their Twitter game just kills it. With their usually clever live-blogging of their tennis matches, these guys make me wish they played more often. Well done, sir.

Best Original Screenplay: Football

Undefeated Ivy League champions, most points scored in a single season in Harvard football history, decisive win against Yale in The Game—the Crimson football team’s story this year was all Hollywood. Individual players had storylines of their own, too. Two different quarterbacks broke the single-game touchdowns record in back-to-back games, and senior defensive lineman Josue Ortiz even proposed to his girlfriend after The Game, giving the team an added love story to go along with their utter domination on the field. Call it what you will, this football season was its very own Gladiator, action shots and all.

Best Documentary Feature: Women’s Squash

Last year, Harvard women’s squash had the best player in the nation. This year, it has the best two. By far. It’s like when the first two Lord of the Rings movies received so much attention in the Acadamy Awards, and then The Return of the King came along and just obliterated those numbers. Added to the fact that it just topped its perfect 17-0 season with a decisive 8-1 victory over No. 2 Yale to win the national title last weekend, women’s squash would have a great documentary story.

Best Makeup: Men’s Ice Hockey, Women’s Basketball, Women’s Volleyball, Softball, and Women’s Soccer

Though men’s hockey was the original favorite, this year there was a tie in the Best Makeup category. I’ll start with men’s hockey:

It’s not what you’re thinking. There’s no real makeup involved. The men’s hockey team did, however, sport something else on their faces that takes time to prepare in the morning: facial hair. During the month of November, the team let their mustaches and beards and Fu Manchus roam wild to partake in “No Shave November,” a movement that raises awareness about prostate cancer and men’s health in general. They even set up a donations page to raise money for the cause.

Sharing the award are the four women’s teams that participated in two charity events during the month of February, encouraging young girls to play sports and raising awareness and money for breast cancer. I’m pretty sure there were face tattoos present.

Best Supporting Actor(s):  Wrestling

On National Coming Out Day in October of last year, members of the Harvard wrestling team came out as allies to the LBGTQ community. Talk about taking your role to a whole new level. The Screen Actors Guild would be so proud.

Best Film Editing: ESPN3

I may just be bitter. But seriously. That replay from Saturday’s basketball game against Penn is fake. It can’t be real. It just can’t. Make the nightmares stop.

Best Original Musical Score: Men’s Basketball Fans

I know that none of the cheers the student section does are original. But frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. The “whoop” Crimson fans bring in Lavietes is unlike anything else on campus and brings an extra edge of excitement to the games. I’ll take the “I Believe” chant over The Artist soundtrack any day of the week.

Best Actor: Patrick Witt, Yale football

Yes, he’s not a part of Harvard, but his acting is just too good. After convincing America he was still in the running for the Rhodes Scholarship right before The Game even though he allegedly wasn't, Witt could just as well be the next Jack Nicholson (wouldn’t that be something). So although you didn’t leave with the Rhodes Scholar or any dignity in Harvard’s crushing defeat over the Bulldogs in The Game, Patrick, here’s a made-up e-award with the name of your ex-alma mater’s rival attached to it, celebrating your accomplishments. Congratulations, you’ve finally won!