The blog of The Harvard Crimson

Flyby's Reactions to "React"

As if clicking ‘Like’ on Facebook weren’t expressive enough, now there are six different ways you’re allowed to feel about someone’s new profile picture or Go Fund Me post. Now all six human emotions are displayed when you hover over the ‘Like’ button. Instead of just liking you-know-who’s 100th post of the day, you can show them that Facebook activism really does make a difference by letting them know that you too are “sad” or “angry” at the state of the world. Go crazy.

Seriously, Zuck? Did we need this? All we ever asked you for was a dislike button, so we could effortlessly express that we’re sorry to hear about something bad happening (or sorry we had to see someone’s crazy ‘I support Trump’ post), and instead you gave us this. And come on. “Haha” isn’t even an emotion. “Wow my status for a truth is” just does not make sense.

But it gets worse. How are we supposed to quantify our Facebook presences? Before, it was just about how many likes your ‘comp my club’ profile picture got, but how do we judge its reception now? Are “haha”s positive or negative? Are we supposed to subtract the negative reactions from the positive to figure out the public’s net opinion? Do we need equations and actual math skills to know if our crush thinks we look good in our latest post? This is too much.

Facebook reactions are a disaster. You’ve let us down, Mark. You took a perfectly good function and complicated it waaaay beyond what Facebook users wanted. Let’s be real, anyone who has a strong opinion is going to start a fight in the comments anyway, so why would you need to complicate the liking process?

Restaurant Week is Back

Good news for your stomachs and bad news for your wallets, everyone. Restaurant Week (or so we’re told it’s now called Dine Out Boston) is back from March 6-11 and then from March 13-18, for those of you staying in town for spring break. Yes, that’s right– it’s the return of that special time of year when you pretend to live a luxurious life because you can (sort of) afford a multi-course meal. Based on the restaurant’s discretion, lunches are $15, $20, or $25 and dinners are $28, $33, or $38. To save you some precious time during midterm season (or maybe you want to engage in self-sabotaging behavior and are looking for any and all means of procrastination), Flyby has put together some highlights from the list of participating restaurants.

For those looking to up their food Instagram game
The Met Back Bay (L: $20, D: $33)
For everyone who loves Instagram and food Instagram accounts (I mean, what else do you do when it’s 2 a.m., you want to procrastinate but are also hungry, and Brain Break only offers Raisin Bran aka yuck) as much as I do, you’ve probably seen so many ‘grams of brunches from this place. Take a nice aerial picture of your food, pick the right #filters, location tag it, and maybe you’ll become Instagram famous. Probably not, but at least you had a nice meal.

For those going on a date (lucky you)
Bacco (D: $33)
Bacco’s own website boasts that critics have called it “one of the most romantic restaurants in Boston,” so we’ll take it. But actually, this place is two floors and has tall windows that give a nice view out onto the street– combine that with pasta and dim lighting and that sounds like romance to us.

Haru (L: $25, D: $38)
Sushi is always a date-friendly food, right? Plus, the Dine Out Boston menu boasts fish tacos and mochi ice cream so that’s an A+ in our book.

For those who are too lazy to take the T
Beat Brasserie (L: $25, D: $38)
You probably see signs to this restaurant as you walk past The Gap. The food is American and International cuisine, there’s live music playing many nights, and they even boast a wine tap system. Sounds trendy enough to us.

Harvest (L: $25, D: $33)
Not just for when your parents are in town! It boasts New England cuisine, plus it’s really cute that it’s basically hidden between Anthropologie and Ann Taylor.

P.S. Apparently, they’re having an Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter contest where you could win a $100 gift certificate to one of the participating restaurants in the upcoming winter Dine Out Boston if you #DineOutBoston and get the most likes.

Flyby's Spring Break Reading List

As Harvard students, we’re expected to have a very sophisticated taste in literature. Unfortunately, Expos doesn’t give us much in terms of quality reading, unless watching Mean Girls to procrastinate counts as educational. To convince your family and friends that you’re actually learning at this premier academic institution, (or just to impress strangers with your intellect), here are some books that you’ll enjoy reading and can talk about in front of your grandparents—sorry, that means 50 Shades is out.

Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina
Love, sex, and drama—such is life as a college student, although these characters don't spend all of their disposable income on beer and burritos. Combine it with poignant, heart-wrenching portrayals of adultery and, of course, more sex, and you've got yourself a winner. What more could you want in an 800-something page epic?

F. Scott Fitzgerald’s This Side of Paradise
And you thought I was going to list Gatsby. Having more than one Fitzgerald novel under your belt will be sure to impress those esteemed people you network with. Better yet, This Side of Paradise is about the sad life of a Princeton student. Clearly, Harvard has more fun. Of course, everything is relative.

Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms
Anything by Hemingway is quick to read, thanks to his no-frills style. Add some cynicism rivaling that even even the most sleep-deprived thesising senior, some war-stricken characters, and a doomed love, and you’ve got a novel that’s sure to spark intense conversation at any cocktail party.

Greg Mankiw’s Principles of Economics, 9th ed.
A classic for the ages, not to mention all of the information a Harvard student needs to apply for a job on Wall Street. It isn’t love, sex, or drama, but it’s supply and demand graphs (and more), which are pretty hot in their own right.

So there you have it. Read these five books (or just display them prominently while out in public) and no one will question your intelligence ever again.

Harvard Update: Our World is Ending

There are a lot of pretty definitive signs that the world is ending. First, we had a strangely mild winter. In the beginning, I assumed that this was Boston’s way of personally saying sorry to me for last year, when I, one of the three thousand Harvard students who come from California each year for the opportunity to confirm and then complain about the superiority of the West Coast, suffered through an unreasonable number of blizzards (yes, I alone experienced this struggle). Although this year’s temperate climate was a daily reminder about the presence of global warming, its gentleness also left me with a sense of guilt, for I knew that I was enjoying wearing my light grey quarter-zip Patagonia (embroidered with evidence that I am involved in at least one club on campus as any real Patagucci must) too much.

Then, Panera, a store I rarely visit and don’t often think about but pass nearly daily, closed without so much as a proper goodbye. Considering how many meetings and voting and lack of student consultation it takes to change the title of our house leaders, this felt like an unreasonable and unsettling occurrence. I sort of liked the 900-calorie pasta and the spotty internet. Word on the street is that the store is turning into a Tatte bakery, which is a delicious and hipster brunch/bakery place but is unfortunately far from reasonably priced. Here’s a hint, Harvard: if you want fewer students to pursue lucrative careers in finance and consulting, consider putting more stores in the Square that normal people can afford.

Now, in the course of a single week, the Harvard student population has been informed of six isolated cases of mumps, with the very helpful advice that those who have been vaccinated are not immune and that washing hands is the best form of prevention for this disease. It is mildly comforting that if we tell Harvard about all of our mental health problems we will get a $5 J.P. Licks gift card, but free ice cream is unfortunately not enough to forget about this public health concern. And in the midst of this viral infection, it appears that Harvard is doing just about the most embarrassing thing imaginable, and is now turning to Yale for advice about ways to improve its social scene, because in case you haven’t heard by now, Harvard has a problem with exclusivity.

Harvard is, of course, not all bad. In fact, it’s a pretty great place. But this series of events is a lot to process in the midst of a particularly brutal midterm season. Pro-tip for now: stay away from anyone who looks like a chipmunk—it’s probably mumps.

HUHS Tries to Buy Back Student Trust With Free Ice Cream

In light of the ongoing chaos enveloping a campus slowly ravaged by mumps, the optimistic young Flyby survivors of the latest great epidemic are pleased to bring some good news to these disease-ridden lands. There is, indeed, a light at the end of the tunnel of your battle to remain healthy or not spread the disease to too many people at the party you’re planning to attend this weekend. The saving grace: free ice cream.

In exchange for a 20-minute survey concerning health and mental health on campus, Harvard University Health Services is offering $5 J.P. Licks gift cards. Think about this opportunity, people. When the mumps set in and your jaw starts aching and you develop an unbearable earache, you can now take comfort in the fact that someday, when you’re able to swallow again, you’ll be able to enjoy ice cream paid for by the one and only HUHS (that is, unless you’re one of the tens of students who probably fill out the survey yet never claim his/her prize).

Pickup is a little tricky - you have to leave your dorm room and travel one floor up on UHS, and then talk with a real human being in order to retrieve the card. Sorry CS50 alums, this one requires human contact. But it’s well worth the free ice cream! And anyway, the survey doesn’t require any open-ended responses. So just be prepared to admit that you’re a virgin with a drinking problem and you’re well on your way to claiming your free ice cream. What are you waiting for, Harvard? Throw your trust back into HUHS after failing the student body on mumps, and just hope the free ice cream doesn’t come with free food poisoning.

Untitled Unmastered

This is not a drill, I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Kendrick Lamar, the talented mastermind behind the Grammy-awarding winning album To Pimp a Butterfly, or TPAB as the kids are calling it, has blessed the world with a surprise eight track release called untitled unmastered. Sounds like something we would title an Expos 20 essay, tbh.

The album is a collection of eight songs named after the date they were recorded. It has been reported that all of the tracks were outtakes that didn’t quite make the cut for To Pimp a Butterfly, but Kendrick liked them so much that he felt the people deserved to hear them. We are all so #blessed. Because of this, untitled unmastered. is being widely considered as more of a companion album to TPAB rather than a totally brand-new concept.

The whole record has a very stripped down, unprocessed, and dare we say ‘unmastered’ atmosphere. Kendrick pushes the free-jazz, experimental vibes that made TPAB so revolutionary even further, lacing each track with acoustic drumming (none of that artificial 808 nonsense for him), piano riffs, and the soulful wailing of saxophones. Oh, and can’t forget about a sick bassline to lay down the groove that we all expect from him.

In terms of lyricism, Kendrick is back with his politically charged and oh-so-relevant themes, spitting the truth left and right while leaving all of our minds blown. The line “Pimp, pimp, hooray!” pops up several times over the course of the album, unifying the tracks and creating a very complete feel to a work that otherwise plays up its unfinished edges, similar to the unfinished nature of the essay you submitted at 11:59 last night. untitled unmastered. features guest appearances from Cee-Lo Green and Jay Rock, and there is even a song produced by Alicia Keys’ five-year-old son (step aside Blue Ivy). Warning: hearing a young child who is richer and more famous than you’ll ever be may make you question whether or not that college degree is even worth it.

The new album/EP/collection of absolutely genius tracks is available on Spotify, iTunes, Apple Music, Google Play, and Tidal. Don’t worry, this isn’t a repeat of Mr. West’s refusal to give The Life of Pablo to us broke college kids.

Now go forth and have your life changed by the soon-to-be legendary untitled unmastered. Who needs to study for midterms, anyways?

HUPD Crime Log 2/23-3/1

February 23, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a suspicious letter and package that an individual received.
If it fits it ships for one low flat rate.

February 23, 2016
Officer while on patrol assisted Cambridge Police Department with a report of an unwanted guest in a residential building. Officer arrived and report CPD took over scene and placed the individual under arrest for trespassing.
Ugh, the Big Dogs trying to take all of the credit, per usual.

February 25, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of tagging/graffiti to a table.
Only the hardest thugs sit at our lunch table.

February 25, 2016
Officers dispatched to a report of an individual wandering around area for a substantial amount of time. Officers arrived, located individual and report individual was just waiting for their son who was in an interview.
“Hey Mom, can I have a ride home after my Goldman interview?”

February 25, 2016
Officer dispatched to a report of a fire alarm going off. Officer arrived and report alarm activated from an individual recently smoking marijuana.
Strange, the officer didn’t report back for over an hour after that.

February 26, 2016
Officer dispatched to a report of the smell of marijuana coming from a room. At this time, a university official was on scene and made contact with an occupant of the room to which they were informed that this issue will be handled administratively
Now that we have the cops off our back, pass that around!

February 27, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of annoying text messages an individual received.
Just take the hint—no one wants to come to your shitty dorm pregame.

February 27, 2016
Officers dispatched to a report of loud noise coming from a room. Officers arrived, and report could not gain access to the building.
Shame that the department just defunded their battering rams unit.

February 27, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a stolen green Mongoose bicycle valued at $100.00 The reporting individual informed the officer that their bicycle was secured to the bike rack with a chain lock valued at $10.00.
Having to walk back from the Quad for the rest of the year? Priceless.

February 27, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a stolen Canada Goose jacket valued at $900.00
Looks like the Spee has really fallen on hard times.

February 27, 2016
Officer while on patrol observed an individual behind the bushes and acting suspicious. The individual was run for wants/warrants with negative results. The individual was then given a verbal trespass warning for all Harvard University property.
Invasive tourists are really taking it to the next level.

February 29, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a stolen black Boosted motorized skateboard valued at $1,000.00.
How did they get away so quickly?

February 29, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of annoying emails an individual received.
For the last time, $50 Amazon gift card or not, I don’t want to take your stupid survey!

March 1, 2016
Officer dispatched to monitor a demonstration that went without incident.
A job well done, or rather, not done.

Check back next Friday for our next installment of HUPD Crime Log!

What Your “Just Going to the D-hall for Coffee” Outfit Says about You

Once you become a part of house life (or even if you’re particularly comfortable in Annenberg), the dhall will become essentially an extension of your room, albeit a part with more people and less dirty laundry. And sometimes, in your own room, you want to grab coffee (or, if you have more refined tastes, Diet Coke) without having to get all dressed up. Your d-hall outfit, however, is telling the rest of us camped out at brain break your whole life story. Here’s what you’re projecting:

Athlesiure (aka Health Goth)
You just went to the gym. Or, alternatively, you want people to think you just went to the gym. This is decidedly an active attempt to seem casual and put together, so it looks like you’ve mastered the art of balancing all aspects of your life. This is an obvious ploy, but for some reason, it still works every time. Congrats.

This is the end. You have a big assignment due tomorrow and you’re getting coffee so that you can start it tonight. We’ve all been there (and will be again), but it’s still embarrassing to bear witness to this particular brand of hopelessness.

Party Clothes
Dude, that coffee isn’t gonna sober you up in time to finish your work. Just call it quits and get a glass of water before you go to sleep. Don’t try to get cereal, though. You’re just going to make a huge mess and disturb the sad, resigned calm of everyone actually psetting in the dhall.

Business Casual
You always have it together. Always. You’ve never slept through class. You go to lecture, even when it’s recorded. Midterms don’t scare you, because you’ve actually done all the readings all semester. Teach me your ways. Please. I need to be rescued from myself.

So, there you have it. The definitive guide to what your dhall outfit says about the current state of your life. Dress like the person you want to be. Or, alternatively, just keep showing up to brain break in a onesie, because it’s cold and you have “serious work” to do.

Flyby Horoscopes: March

Flyby exec and amateur astrologist Kyle E. O’Hara counts many things among her talents—her impressive ability to drink Diet Coke before 10 a.m., her dogged pursuit of the position of El Jefe’s #1 customer, and her remarkable skill at napping at inopportune times. But most prominent of these talents is her questionable-at-best ESP. Check back on the first of each month for your Flyby Horoscope, courtesy of Kyle.

Hey, Harvard. I’m back with your March horoscopes. My editors have finally recognized my incredible abilities (or I’ve figured out how to post my own content — the world may never know). There are some great things in the stars this month for all signs — can you say spring break? These next two weeks, though, hold potential for serious chaos if not managed correctly. Take a look at your horoscopes for a little bit of guidance on how to navigate the coming month.

PISCES: With midterms and papers piling up, take a moment to reflect on your personal life and social relationships. While a grade is just one temporary measurement, friends are forever. Make time to reach out to your near and dear. Maybe even “grab a meal.”

ARIES: It’s going to be a good month for you, Aries. Things are coming together, and your hard work is paying off. Stay the course and finish strong on your projects that are wrapping up so that your effort doesn’t go to waste.

TAURUS: Remember to keep things in perspective. Things may be tough in the coming weeks, but you’re more than capable of handling what life throws your way.

GEMINI: Now is a time to be careful with your finances. With spring break coming up, Gemini, take care to keep track of your spending both in the Square and wherever your travels may take you.

CANCER: Communication is key to making it through this busy month. If you find yourself in a tough situation, don’t be afraid to ask for help. People want to help you, they just need to know how they can make things easier.

LEO: A change of space is in store this month. Whether that’s finding a new study spot or finally getting out of the Harvard bubble (or getting quadded), new scenery will do you good.

VIRGO: Focus on balance, Virgo. You don’t need to do absolutely everything to have a successful month. Prioritize the things that are most important to you, and only commit to new projects you’re excited about.

LIBRA: Keep holding onto the momentum you’ve built up over the past couple of months. Although it’s easy to get tired and let projects slip, if you recommit yourself, you fill find success.

SCORPIO: Now’s the time to declutter your life. Take a moment as you enter this month to evaluate which activities and relationships are fulfilling and which ones aren’t worth the effort.

SAGITTARIUS: Treat yourself, Sagittarius. You’ve been working so hard this semester; celebrate all you’ve accomplished thus far.

CAPRICORN: Work is at the forefront of your life this month, Capricorn. You may have to sacrifice some fun nights out, but it will be worth it when you get to see your projects come together successfully.

AQUARIUS: These next few weeks might be a drag, but spring break is going to give you plenty of time to rest and recuperate before the second half of the semester. Take the time to enjoy the little things.

Have a great month, Harvard. I’ll be back with more horoscopes and life advice on April 1st.

Where in the World is Lowell Tea?

With the Lowell House renovations scheduled to take two years, Dorothy and Diana, the Faculty Deans of Lowell House) are going to have to find an alternative space to hold their weekly teas. House life for Lowell students (and others that make the weekly trek for their fill of tea and desserts) would be severely lacking without this tradition, so it’s imperative that they find a temporary spot for this weekly feeding frenzy. As an avid tea-goer, I have a few suggestions for locations that may provide a suitable temporary home for Tea.

The Inn
An oldie but a goodie. This is sort of a no-brainer, especially if Lowell will be using the Inn to house students during the renovation. There’s plenty of space in the entrance and dining hall of the Inn, and access to a kitchen for the tea fairies to work their magic.

I’m still not entirely sure what this building is meant for, but I imagine it’s empty except during career fairs. It’s huge, so there would be space for all the quadlings that start attending because it’s in their own backyard. And it’s probably one of the few events that could get the rest of us to make the trek all the way out to the quad.

Flat Patties
If they could share the space with Felipe’s, this should work, right?

Hopefully, the Lowell Faculty Deans will take these suggestions into account, but, honestly, as long as there’s still sweet treats and hot tea, I’ll be fine fighting my way through a construction zone for another bite of baked brie.

RIP Panera

RIP Panera
Gone but not forgotten

This evening, as we stood in front of Panera mourning its sudden closing, we overheard an elderly woman put the news best: “Everything is going to hell.”

Truer words have never been spoken, especially after having just finished mourning the losses of local favorites like B.Good, Al’s, and Yenching. Continuing with what seems to be the year of tragic and unexpected restaurant closings, Panera will be the next Harvard Square Staple that is added to the seemingly ever growing list. According to an 8x11 piece of computer paper taped to Panera’s front door, Harvard Square’s Panera Bread Cafe has permanently closed as of today, February 29, 2016. The most sensitive of ways to inform its loyal customers of the this terrible tragedy to top off everyone’s leap day.

The sign reads: “This Panera cafe is permanently closed as of Monday, 2/29. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience that this has caused you.” Panera, you have no idea– inconvenience is quite the understatement. Gone are the days of delectable grilled cheese sandwiches and cinnamon crunch bagels to cure even the worst of hangovers. A Harvard Square devoid of warm artisan pastries, broth bowls, hot chocolate, and easily accessible nutritional facts might as well declare itself in a Square of Emergency. RIP Panera, your loss will be sorely missed. Everything truly is going to hell.

The Five Types of Blocking Drama Creators

With the rising Sophomore Housing Lottery registration opening next Monday, Feb. 29, blocking drama has come in like a wrecking ball. The stress in the environment is visible through the decrease in food supply at Annenberg because of freshmen eating their feelings and the lack of lack of Kleenex packs at the CVS in the Square. Blocking, just like everything else at Harvard ranging from getting into a finals club to exiting Lamont Library, is an unnecessarily complicated and painful process.

The Leader
Blocking leaders take their blocking responsibilities very seriously. Blocking leaders spend so much time creating and resolving blocking drama, that they consider it one of their extra curricular activities. In fact, you can find their commitment to such position under the “Leadership” section of their resumes.

The Secret Schemer
This silent schemer may come across as the underdog of the blocking hierarchy. He doesn’t complain, or criticize. On rare occasion, you can catch the secret schemer having shady one-on-one talks with a random person that somehow ends up being part of your blocking group.

The Blocking Polygamist
Blocking Polygamists have a tendency to drunkenly commit to more than one group and hate confrontation. The blocking polygamist cannot stand all of the drama and just wishes “we could all get along like we used to in middle school and bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles”.

The Quadaphobic
Quadophobics’ biggest nightmare is having to live in the quad. Since the beginning of the year, they have tried to convince multiple specialists that Harvard made them suffer from can’t eat–can’t sleep–can’t work–can’t socialize disorder. Whether or not such issues are true, getting accommodations from the AEO is less likely than the PC going coed. The typical Quadophobic has even considered transferring to Yale if things go astray.

The Blocking Fortune Teller
This person tends to hangout around Lamont Café, pretending to be doing a pset. When a scared, innocent freshman passes by they seize the opportunity to analyze and to shower them with blocking myths. The biggest insult you can receive from the classic blocking fortunetellers is “wow, you are so Pfoho” or “ I feel like you are more of a Cabot type”.

The One Ring (Ceremony) to Rule Them All

The Quad/Shire looking its beautiful green self as always.
The Quad/Shire looking its beautiful green self as always.
If you’re a member of the Class of 2017, you’ve probably heard about the Harvard Student Agencies’ One Ring Ceremony. “What’s that, Chris?” I can hear you all asking me. No, no, it’s not just a class ring. Gather around and let me tell you a story…

“Long ago, in Middle Cambridge, Rakesh Khurana was but a happy Hobbit living in the Shire/Quad. Rakesh’s cousin who is somehow 78 years older than he, Bilbo Pfister, had long been in possession of a valuable ring. On Pfister’s eleventy-first birthday, his old friend Gandalf Dingman told him that the ring was incredibly dangerous and persuaded Pfister to leave the ring behind and go party with some elves.

Rakesh hung out in the Shire for a while with the ring, living it up and having open dialogues left and right. Sean Astin was there, too. He provided comic relief. Anyway, Gandalf Dingman came back and told Rakesh and Sean Astin that they needed to GTFO because the ring was putting them in danger. Even though Gandalf sounded like an absolute nutjob and gave them no hard evidence, Rakesh and Sean peaced out. On the road, our heroes met two diminutive Securitas officers that they knew from the Shire and their fellowship grew a little bit.

While on the road, a couple of creeps in hoods started pursuing Rakesh and his buddies, but they ducked into the Kong for shelter. While the two Securitas officers argued about drink sizes (“they come in pints? I’m getting one.”), Viggo Mortensen came out of nowhere. Honestly, the only way to describe his appearance is dusty: pretty hot, but in a shabby, outdoors-y kind of way. Viggo told Rakesh that his crew was making a scene, but he has a heart of gold so he agreed to help them out. He promised to take Rakesh and the ring to Mass Hall where they could convene with President Elrond Faust.

On the way, Rakesh was stabbed by one of the creepy guys in hoods, but Viggo Mortensen used some plant nonsense to fix everything up. When they got to Mass Hall, President Faust told Rakesh and his fellowship that the ring had once belonged to Evelyn Hammonds and that she would stop at nothing to get it back. To save Cambridge, Rakesh had to go to the Science Center and destroy the ring in a cauldron of some chemical that I’m too dumb to understand because I’m an English major. So our heroes set out and… you’ll need to wait for the next film to find out what happened.”

So that’s the story, young ones. The One Ring Ceremony this weekend is actually meant to commemorate Dean Rakesh Khurana’s valiant quest to vanquish evil and definitely NOT to convince nostalgic parents to buy class rings during Junior Parents Weekend for their near-adult children.

HUPD Crime Log 2/16-2/25

February 16, 2016
Officers dispatched to a report of an unknown individual knocking on an individual's window. Officers arrived and report individual gone on arrival.
O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou… oh, wrong room, sorry.

February 16, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a stolen Samsung Galaxy S6 cell phone valued at $600.00 and a Mophie charging case valued at $90.00.
Consider this a sign that it’s time to upgrade to an iPhone.

February 17, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a stolen black Alexander Wang coat valued at $350.00 and keys.
Now maybe Identities will finally accept me as a model...

February 18, 2016
Officers dispatched to a report of an individual in the area who was aggressively peddling. Officers arrived and report individual gone on arrival.
Girl Scouts gone wild.

February 20, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of malicious discharge of a fire extinguisher.
New weapon of choice: fire extinguisher.

February 20, 2016
Officers dispatched to a report of loud noise coming from a room. Officer arrived and advised occupants of room J102 to turn music down.
We all know where to go for a good time now.

February 21, 2016
Officers dispatched to assist CPD with the search of a suspect in a recent incident. Officers arrived and report CPD was off with suspect.
Suspects make great plus-ones.

February 22, 2016
Officers dispatched to a report of an unwanted guest in an empty classroom. Officers arrived and report individual gone on arrival.
Just being in a Harvard classroom can make you smarter.

February 22, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of stolen U.S. currency valued at $34.00.
There goes my weekly budget for LamCaf venti caramel macchiatos.

Check back next Friday for our next installment of HUPD Crime Log!

Flyby's Guide to the Most Absurd Junior Parents Weekend 2016

Apparently Junior Parents Weekend, also known as Junior Parents “Invited-To-Harvard-So-The-Coop-Sells-Its-Quota-Of-Class-Rings” Weekend, commences tomorrow. If only one of the countless Deans of Harvard sent as many emails about Junior Parents Weekend as they send about the weather, we juniors wouldn’t be scrambling to simultaneously rid our rooms of sin and determine the purpose of Junior Parents Weekend before our sweet parents arrive. Since the “tentative” Class of 2017 Junior Parents Weekend schedule is far too many Google searches and PDF downloads away, we here at Flyby have done you the favor of acknowledging the most important (read: absurd) events offered during Junior Parents Weekend 2016.

Nature Walk in Harvard
Harvard Square is known for its plethora of nature, from its receding grass patches to its occasional tree stumps to its notorious turkey. We just hope Pfister and his fungi make an appearance.

Jogging Tour of Harvard & Fun Run
We really hope this is a sick joke. Also, are the jogging tour and fun run two separate entities?

Class of 2017 Ring Sizings
Because nothing screams “family fun” more than getting fitted for a ring that’ll cost your parents their flight home.

Green Tour of Harvard Yard
This sounds illegal in every state but Washington and Colorado.

Music and Memories
Is this an event, or the name of One Direction’s next single?

Searching For Signal
We’ve seen enough.

Pro Tip: If your parents are kind of the worst and forgot to make reservations for dinner, fear not. For an ever-so reasonable $18.25 each, mom and dad can join you for a delightful HUDS supper (because beef meatballs and soup du jour sound too good to pass up).

So there you have it– Flyby’s Guide to the Most Absurd Junior Parents Weekend. We wish you and your parents an unforgettable weekend of rings, nature, and “green.”

There Is (Well, Was) An Imposter HUDS Twitter

A few weeks ago, my fellow writer Nacho wrote a post lamenting the decline in the quality of HUDS meals compared to 1909, when they had broiled halibut and lamb chops for breakfast. To our surprise, what we thought was the official HUDS twitter retorted back at us with a lot of sass:

We at Flyby were pretty upset for a bit, that is until the actual HUDS twitter account (@HUDSinfo) informed us that they were the real deal, and @HarvardDining was in fact fake. What? There was someone out there pretending to be HUDS on Twitter? Why?

Unfortunately, perhaps as a result of our attempts to pull back the curtain and expose the mysteries of this HUDS parody, the account was recently suspended from Twitter. It left this cruel world too soon. It will be missed.

@HarvardDining was actually pretty funny. They started tweeting in March 2014 and at their demise had 37 followers, one of which was the actual HUDS twitter—keep a close eye on your enemies, maybe?

Sometimes, @HarvardDining liked to mix politics and Sunday Sundaes:

Other times, they liked to be very protective over their food:

They even started #twitterbeef with Pfoho:

But at the end of the day, we just want to know, @HarvardDining, who were you? And where did you go?

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