The blog of The Harvard Crimson

You Say Potato, I Say… Potato

Despite a growing number of new HUDS initiatives directed at offering students healthier and more well-balanced meals, we have been unable to escape the myriad varieties of deep-fried potato. HUDS offers the humble spud in a number of forms to satisfy your need for starch. These executions succeed to varying degrees.

So, if you're perpetually wondering if you should go for the rosemary-roasted potatoes or skip the mash, here is Flyby’s definitive ranking of HUDS potato dishes.

The Best
The Tater Tot: #tbt to your elementary school cafeteria. Plop a few of these onto your plate and pop a few more into your mouth while you’re waiting in line to get real food. With a golden crunchy coating and a soft luscious center, tater tots are consistent and determined to please.

The Middle of the Pack
The Curly Fry: One part fry plus one part curl makes a snack that is delicious to eat. Who would've thought that something Arby's and HUDS had in common could taste so good?

The Baked: We're always excited for baked potato day. What better way to pig out than to load all of our favorite toppings into one, starchy vessel? To be honest, though, we wish the baked potatoes weren't awkwardly lukewarm.

The Waffle Fry: They're no Veritaffles, of course, but we do love the crunch, perfectly fried deliciousness of HUDS waffle fries. (Yes, let the record show that we just used the words "perfect" and "HUDS" in the same sentence.) The only reason these babies aren't in the Best category is because we see them so infrequently.

The Roasted: These unassuming, rosemary-covered staples are the definition of innocuous. Sure, we're never thrilled to see them, but we can trust that they'll go fine with out Herb Spiced Chicken or "Catch of the Day."

The Mashed: We always have such high hopes for this comfort food classic. Unfortunately, despite being served from under heat lamps, HUDS mashed potatoes are always just a little bit cold, and always either lumpier or waterier than expected.

The Worst
The French Fry: the classic wouldn’t itself at the bottom of this list if it weren’t so readily available. HUDS doesn’t need to take up a place on the buffet counter with an item that is already available during every meal from the grille. The HUDS French fry has given a bad name to French fries everywhere, and deserves its place as the worst HUDS potato dish.

Malan and Harvard Need Couple's Therapy

Updated Thursday, February 11 at 9:50 a.m.

Apparently, there is trouble in paradise. But “trouble” is a trademark spat and “paradise” is the frozen wasteland of Cambridge. Specifically, David J. Malan ’99, the instructor of a certain popular class/form of torture, attempted to trademark “CS50” and “THIS IS CS50,” but Harvard had other plans. While FAS Dean Michael Smith claims Malan is upfront with his trademark goings-on, it is way more fun to imagine David Malan filing trademarks left and right and Drew Faust calling up her attorneys to protect Harvard’s trademark interests.

Since the timeline is a bit complicated and, let’s be serious, people do not give as much of a damn about CS50 as Malan would like to think, let us break it down for you.

2011: Malan attempts to trademark “CS50” and “THIS IS CS50.” His application is unsuccessful, maybe because he submitted it without an attorney (which is a low-key hilarious power move). He decides to incorporate “CS50 LLC.”

2012-2013: Malan tries to trademark “CS50” and “THIS IS CS50”…again. Once again, he doesn’t have an attorney. He’s more of a “DIY” kind of guy. Harvard requests an extension on the opposition period for his initial applications, and Malan withdraws his applications. Instead, Malan incorporates “50 LLC”. That’s right – David Malan now has two corporations, one of which is a course title and the other of which is just a number.

2015: CS50 LLC has not filed an annual report since 2012, so the Commonwealth of Massachusetts dissolves it. David Malan’s only corporate interest now is the number fifty. So sad. To rub salt in the wound, Harvard files applications to trademark “CS50” and “CS50x”.

In an alternate and more representative reality, Malan should have tried to trademark “sadness” and “THIS IS AN ALL-NIGHTER.” Then Harvard could have filed an opposition brief, claiming it had already trademarked both of those things along with “Lamont” and “Math 55.” At least in this fictional scenario Malan would have his limited liability corporation “Let’s See How Many Ivies Will Buy Into This Nonsense LLC”.

This post was updated for clarity regarding the timeline and causation of events.

"IVY," Wherefore Art Thou?

it's a tiara, not a crown
IVY, come back.
Now that we’re well-adjusted to spring semester—the third Monday has passed, two minor snowstorms have hit, and Beyoncé has just dropped another single sure to distract from any productivity—it’s a perfect moment reflect on the days of yesteryear. Ah, better days… The times when Dean Pfister sent emails on the regular about various fungi, or when the idea of changes to the system of Gen Ed was only a pipe dream. And, of course, the times when we eagerly awaited the next episode of “IVY.”

If you have been too busy actually paying attention in class or are just too young to remember, “IVY” was a look into the lives of five sophomores trying to navigate their lives at Harvard. It was “the first web series fully committed to detailing the intricacies and hilarity of the Ivy League undergraduate experience.”

And it had all one needed. Angst. Some artsy stares. And then more angst. But sadly, the last update of the Flyby acclaimed, short-lived series was its second episode, released December 21, 2014. And we still have questions: Are Harley and that guy still consciously coupling? Did anyone else threw up in the mouth of someone they were making out with? Was “IVY” ultimately better than “Absent,” which is also absent? Has anyone really gotten their stuff together? #probablynot.

It’s probable that we will never get a new update in the series. But nonetheless, we pray for its return. Having “IVY meant having more things to watch when you have binged everything on Netflix. It meant recognizing someone you met at a party or in section as a scene extra. Above all, it meant acknowledging the wonderful creative talents (and angst) of our Harvard peers.

Goodbye Ivy, we hardly knew thee.

[end scene]

The Scoop on the New Datamatch

Love is in the air

Love is in the air in the days leading up to Valentine's Day, or at least in the form of filling out 31 questions in a survey and praying that you get matched with that cute guy you always lock eyes with at Greenhouse Cafe–that’s right, Datamatch is back!

For the newbie freshmen as well as the upperclassmen who have been living under a rock, Datamatch is a matchmaking service the Harvard Computer Society provides every year in time for Valentine’s Day. All you have to do is fill out an online survey that supposedly probes into your soul, and you’ll be emailed a list of compatible matches (and their contact info, score) on Valentine’s Day. It is an indisputable fact that Flyby loves Datamatch, and word on the street is that Datamatch is back and better than ever this year, so of course we had to find out for ourselves what exactly was going on. We sat down with Raynor J. Kuang ‘17, the “Fearless Leader” of Datamatch’s development team, to get the scoop on this (read: feel every so slightly more hopeful that we will not be binge-watching low-quality rom coms alone in our room with a sippy cup of Franzia come Sunday night).

Flyby: What are some new changes to Datamatch this year?

RJK: One of our big initiatives was to partner up with Satire V, because in the past, I ended up writing most of the survey questions myself and we thought it would make more sense to reach out to a humor publication. Satire V agreed to write a bunch of questions in exchange for pubbing them and their new book. We also have new partnerships this year– [in addition to] our partnership with Zinnekens, we’re also partnering with Clover, El Jefe’s, and Pinkberry. We’ll have a system where you can pick what restaurant you want to go to [once you and your match both agree to go on a date]. We’re also paying for people to go on two dates this year, one with their topmost match and the other with their bottom match.

Flyby: So how does the algorithm actually work?

RJK: Obviously I can’t tell you everything, but in years past, it became a joke that it was just random. We realized that this joke was actually harming Datamatch and people didn’t take it seriously. This year, we really worked to make it so that the algorithm compares and contrasts people. We reached out to Professor Steven Pinker to learn about the psychology of affection and the way people communicate and match up with each other. I hope people trust that it’s really something that takes into account how you fill out the survey.

Flyby: Have you heard of personal success stories from Datamatch?

RJK: Yes! One of my blockmates got his current girlfriend as a match last year. Seeing their relationship develop, Datamatch probably wasn’t the obvious cause, but maybe Datamatch knew something about each other that they didn’t. Our hashtag is #trustthesystem.

Flyby: Does the Datamatch team also participate in Datamatch?

RJK: Of course. Look out for me, I will click the waffle button for everyone that gets matched with me.

Flyby: Have you read our Flyby Datamatch series?

RJK: Yes, I love it. It really shows how easy it is to meet up with people through Datamatch. I only hope that everyone on Flyby gets waffle button-ed back.

Flyby: So can you rig the system for us to get the best dates, obviously only for high-quality journalism purposes?

RJK: My on-the-record response is, I’m sure the people of Flyby are so great that you’ll get great matches. (Thanks for the compliment, Raynor, but does that mean you’re rigging the system or not for us?)

Flyby: Any tips for those filling out the Datamatch survey?

RJK: [When choosing answers], pick the one that first catches your eye–it’s the one you should pick, don’t really debate over whether it’s the “right” one or not. Also, fill out our new profile feature. Put a picture. Add a description. It’s nothing too probing and it creates a sense of humor. Don’t use the private setting so that friends can find you in the search bar. The hope in the search function is that you can find your compatibility with people you want to be matched with even if you don’t end up getting them.

Flyby: Any last words you want to tell people about Datamatch?

RJK: Around 2,300 people have signed up so far already, so be a part of the number and give into FOMO. The more people that do it, the more fun it is.

Finally, Kuang encourages love-seeking folks to reach out to with any questions. May the Datamatch odds be ever in your favor, Harvard.

ShondaLand is BACK

If you haven’t already reached the semester milestone of being notoriously behind on readings, then be prepared to have that procrastination hit you full force this Thursday. ShondaLand—Shonda Rhimes’ production company, and colloquially known as a block of time on Thursday when all three of her hit television shows run—is back this week. "Scandal," "How to Get Away With Murder," and "Grey’s Anatomy" all ended with breathtaking mid-season finales. If you even begin to think about skipping these premieres to go to the gym, do a p-set, or do anything evenly mildly productive, Flyby will find you and personally program your Philo account to run these shows on endless loop. Forever.

But seriously, ShondaLand is a big deal. Its return means that Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope, who has been off solving problems in the show’s hiatus, will be back with a vengeance. Will she stay true to her decision to break it off with Fitz? Or will she find herself drawn inexorably back to the man who she just can’t seem to shake off? If the trailers released for the premiere are in anyway indicative of the rest of this season’s plot, it seems that fans who have been wishing for Olivia Pope to finally break away from her forbidden love will be in for a disappointing ride.

Tune into Grey’s Anatomy at 8 p.m., Scandal at 9 p.m., and How to Get Away with Murder at 10 p.m.

"4-D" Printed Flowers: The Secret to Valentine's Day Success?

In the not-too-distant future, there may be some relief for a forgetful Valentine. Any lovelorn lout who comes home without flowers will have a quick fix: they can print them.

Scientists at the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences have pioneered this new “4-D” printing technique, creating printed flowers that, like the real ones, swell and change shape and over time (the fourth of the “D’s,” for those of you who still haven’t taken an SPU) when placed in water.

What’s the secret to the printed flowers? A special kind of “ink.”

While traditional 3-D printing techniques uses plastic filaments, 4-D printing uses hydrogel composite ink to allow for the water saturation that happens to real petals, leaves, and stems. The work was pioneered by Jennifer Lewis, who was familiar with these new types of 3-D printing ink and wanted to see if they could use them to mimic flowers. She partnered with SEAS professor Lakshminarayanan Mahadevan to reverse engineer the way that flowers react to time and water.

Unfortunately, the printed flowers aren’t going to get anybody out of buying the real thing any time soon. According to SEAS and Applied Math Professor Mahadevan, the printed orchids are tiny: only millimeters wide.

While the flowers may be pretty, the techniques that researchers developed also have pretty serious applications. The research could be important for fields like biomedical and tissue engineering. This might explain why the Army Research Office and the National Science Foundation’s Materials Research Science and Engineering Center were funding tiny flowers...but with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, maybe the Army is just hedging their bets.

Your Guide to Pizza in the Square

A wise man once said “Pizza is a major key”, and he wasn’t lying. If you’re anything like us, pizza of questionable quality in your home town was a staple that you consumed more often than you’d like to admit. Then you got to college and the Freshman 15 quickly evolved into the Freshman 30 as you scarfed down late-night boxes from ‘Noch’s and slices from Otto’s.

Depending on what corner of the world you hail from, pizza could mean something completely different to you than it does to others. Take the divisive deep dish vs. thin crust rivalry, for instance. For me, the dough is the key - for others, the sauce can be an instant deal breaker. There are a ton of pizza shops in the square that claim to be the best store in town. Ever the fact-checking journalist, Flyby's Brandon Dixon went to investigate (at serious detriment to his waist size).


Otto’s is an acquired taste, hinging mostly on what type of dough you love. Thin-crust lovers will devour box after box of this Portland-brand pizza, if they can get over the odd, grilled after-taste that Otto’s brand of cooking produces. The only thing Otto’s is missing is a significant side menu; seriously, I crave cheese fries with every slice of pizza I eat. Shout-out to their Ricotta and Basil pizza; many have tried to get that combination right and, like sophomores slugging through Orgo, many have failed.


Pinocchio’s is one of those Harvard staples whose reputation is carried by how integral it is to the Harvard experience. Honestly, their pizza is not the best, but it’s highly edible -- especially after midnight. They get major props for the disclaimer on their website: “Please note that when the undergraduate students are not in session we close on Friday and Saturday night at 1:00 am instead of 2:30 am”, which shows just how well they understand the audience that they serve. Still, their pizza slices are unnecessarily greasy, which is why I recommend buying only a couple slices at a time. PSA: do not try to pay with a credit card. They’ve got one of those weird thresholds where you have to spend an outrageous amount of money in order to do so. It’s the perfect trap for a cash-less drunk freshman who desperately needs a slice.

Just Crust

This was a little gem that I stumbled into one afternoon because I happened to be walking back from the rear of the Radcliffe Quadrangle. Again, the secret to their success is delicious thin-crust style pizza. Plus, their slices are humongous -- perfect if you ever want to throw a dorm debate-watch party, and you don’t want to order from dominos. Try their Margherita Pizza -- it’s legendary.


Speaking of dominos, I hate to say it, but they have very little going for them. Sure, they’re an American staple, but they fall prey to all of the failures of chain pizza stores. Their pizza doesn’t have a distinctive taste and can sometimes taste just plain nasty. Also, the service: I ordered cheesy bread sticks the other day and didn’t receive any dipping sauce (I paid for three). Seriously the most disappointing thing that’s happened to me since I saw my semester one Ec10 grade.


When in doubt, HUDS is a viable (though not favorable) pizza option. They’re not the best, but the Greenhouse Cafe’s pizza is clutch when your class runs through lunch. Watch out, though: too many Greenhouse pizzas and your BoardPlus will be depleted within the week.

Thank you, Harvard Square, for giving hungry college kids the pizza selection we deserve.

Chipotle Begs Forgiveness and Bribes People with Free Food

After the E. Coli and Salmonella outbreaks, Chipotle has realized it needs to pull its act together. All of its stores will be closed for lunch on Monday for a company-wide meeting about food safety. But fear not, the burrito chain will reopen at 3 p.m., and they’ll be offering free burritos this week to anyone who texts “RAINCHECK” to 888-222. (Read: Chipotle needs to remind people how much they love Chipotle by bribing them.)

Clearly, Chipotle has been keeping up with Mankiw’s book. After all, everyone knows that one of the Ten Principles of Economics is that “People respond to incentives.” But make sure you hop on this opportunity ASAP, because the website reads: “Offer available between 11:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Feb. 8, 2016, subject to change in Sponsor's sole discretion. Quantities are limited and offer is first come, first served, subject to availability.”

Upon texting the keyword, Chipotle will reply within a few days with a coupon for a free burrito. If you’re like us, and you’ve been eating at Chipotle despite the horror stories of disease spreading around their chain, this is great news for you. You can continue to fuel your addiction, but now without the downsides of draining your bank account and then disappointing your parents when you ask to borrow money.

Even if you’re a bit weaker and slightly less courageous, and you’ve been abstaining from the delicious goodness of Chipotle, you’re still a college student. Free food is free food, regardless of whatever microscopic pathogens come along with it. Besides, Chipotle had a Skype sesh with all of its employees during lunch to talk about food safety, remember? Clearly the problem is resolved.

Still not convinced? Based on the amount of money Chipotle lost as a result of no one wanting to eat contagion-burritos, we’re hoping that food safety now qualifies as a worthy investment. We suppose the answer will be clear this week, when everyone gorges themselves on free burritos… So, text away, and may the E. Coli odds be ever in your favor.

Goodbye, Ventfull

RIP Ventfull
"Free Food" being the only good part of Ventfull...luckily, you now can get that information from Harvard Today!
Harvard has its fair share of technology troubles: Omni’s section of the dining hall menu (check it out for the full range of available drinks like “water” and “milk” in a dhall near you!), the tragic downfall of Harvard wifi at the start of this semester, or the “No Prediction” notice that shows up on the Rider app minutes before you’re planning to get on the shuttle to the quad. Recently, another attempt at utilizing technology to enhance Harvard students’ lives bit the dust: Ventfull.

For those who don’t read the UC’s emails, Ventfull was an event-planning app that publicized different happenings on campus, including the location of free food, open parties, and cultural events taking place each week. It was a good idea, but alas, in light of very low usage in the Harvard community, the smartphone calendar application ceased to exist in recent weeks. In its memory, Flyby has written an obituary for the event-planning creation that never really was:

Ventful, born just over a year ago, was a beautiful spam email and one-time phone download. When first created for the purpose of streamlining different events on Harvard’s campus, most students were apathetic or mildly excited, because notices from different email lists that everyone accidentally joins at the beginning of their freshman year are the highlight of any reasonable person’s morning. Indeed, the Harvard student population couldn’t wait to get on another list that would sit in their inbox unread. In the beginning, perhaps a few read Ventfull’s notices. A League of Legends viewing party? We're gonna pass on that one. But as the weeks passed, the Harvard community began to forget about the application. Ventfull’s “upcoming events” was marked as spam, and college students across campus resolved to spend another riveting Friday night without any sense of the outside world.

Finally, after months of struggling with low viewership and utilization, Ventfull passed away. Ventfull is survived by its sole family member, Omni. Although it appears Ventfull lived an uneventful life, Flyby remains grateful for its short-lived presence in the Harvard community.

Valentine’s Day Plans for Singles

Chances are you just remembered that it's almost Valentine’s Day, and what you want more than anything is a significant other (unless you're one of the lucky few that's somehow managed to land a girlfriend/boyfriend in this barren land). However after coming to realize that that just won't be feasibly attained in the next week, your next best option is to throw a melty, dirty snowball at a happy couple. I mean come on, if you can't have love why should they.

Yes, Valentine’s Day is an awful holiday used to exploit those in relationships and depress those who are not, but there are ways to make it (slightly) less painful for singles.

Treat yourself

Go shopping with your friends, or alone if your credit card is your only real friend these days. If you think about it, you can spend all the money you would have had to spend on your significant other on yourself now. Because really, who deserves all your love more than you do? Buy yourself all the chocolate and flowers in the world because if you don't chances are no one else will.

Go out with your friends

Get all dressed up and show everyone that you are strong and happily independent. Your grandma will always love you, and will probably send you money inside of a romantic Valentine's Day card, so really who else could you ever need in your life? But really, who wants to pay three times as much for a dozen roses when you can get three dozen roses for the same price on the 15th. Contrary to popular belief, fancy candlelit dinner for one does in fact taste just as good as fancy candlelit dinner for two. Wear all the new things you just maxed out your bank account buying and let everyone know that unlike them, you are more excited for a Monday off from classes than for Valentine’s Day.

Stay in with your friends

Order in or have a cooking night and take advantage of this great excuse to drink a ton of wine. If you tend to be more self-deprecating, watch The Notebook. Plan to buy each other gifts so you can each still feel special and celebrate the relationships that are probably going to outlive most of the couples out on dates.

Lana did say that the world was made for two, but that doesn't mean that all the singles out there can't find happiness in their own way. That being said, we here at Flyby with you better luck next year.

How to Succeed on GroupMe

The GroupMe app has grown in popularity as one of the primary ways for people connect when they don’t have/don’t want each other’s numbers. Most of us are a part of at least one GroupMe thread, either for a social organization, a collection of p-set buddies, or maybe just their group of friends. Flyby is here to provide you with a guide to be the best contributor to your GroupMe, effectively feeding your ego and providing you with a sense of validation.

Add Gifs
People love gifs. If you provide them with gifs, people will love you. That’s the end goal here. There are plenty of apps around where you can find the perfect gif for any situation or response. You might have to spend a long time pouring over all the different gifs in order to find the right one, but if you’re really dedicated, you should have plenty of time set aside for these tasks. What’s several hours a day in the grand scheme of things? Yes, maybe you could finish a pset in that time, but you could also dedicate it to making sure people think you’re funny.

Make Your Own Memes
GroupMe even has a built in feature for this. They want to you excel in the realm of popularity and validation. Any picture can be made into a meme, but especially good options include: embarrassing photographs of yourself, embarrassing photographs of other people in the group, creepy pictures you took of someone when they weren’t looking, or blurry, low quality pre-made memes from 2005 that you found on the internet.

Reply Often
Statistically speaking, the more you reply to the group chat, the higher your chances are of saying something funny. Although you might not be the wittiest of the bunch, at least people will know your name. Even if they only know you as the “wildly unfunny try-hard.” All press is good press.

There you have it, folks. Try out these fail-safe tips and you’ll soon be the star of any group chat you’re added to, be it for a club, a blocking group, or a pset group. Happy GroupMe-ing!

Boston College-Wide Snowball Fight

After yesterday's dusting of snow, we at Flyby have embraced the return of Boston winters. Even if it was 60 degrees on Thursday. That was pretty nice, too.

But for now, campus is a beautiful winter wonderland. So when is the snowball fight?

With the snow that fell yesterday, and the impending snow next week, the conditions will be just perfect for a epic, snowy battle. Next Saturday, before Boston Common plays host to couples for Valentine’s Day (fingers crossed that Datamatch works out for us), students from colleges and universities all over the Boston area will gather for what promises to be an epic snowball fight.

Help your fellow Harvard students battle it out with almost 3,000 (and counting) others and take down MIT, BC, BU, Northeastern, and the seemingly hundreds of other schools in the Greater Boston area. Whether it’s making a snow fort or pummeling enemies with snowballs (while hiding behind the snow fort of course), or going out into the fray and taking some rival students out, it's sure to be a fun way to spend your day.

Though the Facebook event says to “play nice and be respectful :)”, we all know all is fair in love and war and snowball fights. So go ahead, defend Harvard's honor. Game on.

The T Ride of Doom

Why is Geoff so unlucky when it comes to transportation?
We're carefully trying not to make a slip-and-slide out of the slushy staircase.
Every snow storm in Cambridge brings with it a host of goodies including cancelled classes, warm cocoa, and transportation nightmares. MBTA passengers, especially those who ride the T’s Red Line, are no strangers to delays and bus substitutes. So why did I think today would be any different? Today, I was trapped on the Red Line for a half-hour long trip from Kendall Square to Harvard Square (that's two stops, for those of you who are counting). Here’s a minute-by-minute recap of my latest transportation woes:

12:31 p.m.: After finishing up with a meeting in Kendall Square, I arrive back at the Kendall/MIT station for a smooth quick ride back to Harvard. It only took 8 minutes earlier in the morning. What could possibly go wrong?

12:34 p.m.: My train arrives and I board. The conductor makes an announcement that a track issue near Harvard Station will delay the train. No problem, so long as everyone’s safe.

12:41 p.m.: The train still hasn’t left the station. I check Twitter to find the Cambridge Fire Department report a fire around Harvard Station. I didn’t realize the Lowell dining hall had relocated.

12:44 p.m.: We’ve moved a bit but we’re stopped in the tunnel somewhere between Kendall and Central. I start to regret not packing snacks.

12:45 p.m.: The man sitting across the train from me begins making phone calls and complaining that he shouldn’t have left work so early. I make a mental note that any and all future jobs of mine must offer the flexibility to phone it in on snowy Fridays.

12:48 p.m.: We’re moving again. HUDS chicken strips are calling my name.

12:53 p.m.: We’re stopped again, just past Central. I’m reminded of my Shuttle Ride of Doom and inspired to share my latest transportation woes with Flyby's loyal readers.

1:01 p.m.: Finally back to Cambridge. It’s not snowing as much anymore. How long was I trapped underground anyway?

#tbt: HUDS in the Early 1900s

As much as HUDS has stepped up their salad and website game this past year, eating in the dining hall still feels like a chore. Doubly so if you're in Adams, where recently a putrid stench has invaded the dining hall and residents have been forced to use plastic plates. However, there once was a time not too long ago when HUDS was the last word in fine dining.

Take a look at this menu from a Tuesday in 1909. Currently stored at the Harvard University Archives in Pusey Library, this menu (1) is beautiful and (2) should make modern Harvard feel ashamed of itself. The menu was displayed alongside an essay written by Henry David Thoreau when he was a student at the College, to show what the author ate the day he published his essay. But really, we at Flyby think it's there to send a messages to modern-day Dining Services: This could be us, HUDS, but you playin'.

When was the last time you had broiled halibut (a fish, I had to look that up) or broiled lamb chops for breakfast? I had a boiled egg for breakfast today.

Or a cut of (real) veal for lunch and a melba tart for dessert? Adams had chicken fingers at lunch today.

How about roast lamb, fried scallops, and a fig cake for dinner?

All of this makes us wonder: what happened? Harvard tuition costs somewhere around $63,000 per year. Are we really getting our money's worth? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

How To Be Like a 2016 Presidential Candidate

It’s no secret that this season’s presidential campaign is one of the most entertaining (if not terrifying) yet. Watching the presidential debates makes one thing tremendously obvious: comedy writers will have prime material for the rest of the campaign season, and possibly until the end of time. We’ve all seen Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin and Kate McKinnon’s Hillary Clinton, and maybe even dream of being on SNL (don’t worry, you don’t have to comp any semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine to do so, even if their comp materials may lead you to believe so). If you’re looking for an easier way to emulate the greats of this election season, here are a couple tips:

Bernie Sanders

Aside from the endless tirades against Wall Street and the “big banks,” the name of Bernie Sander’s game is waving your arms around like a madman, and shouting like one too. When in doubt, act like you’re trying to get the attention of your friend from across Mass Ave while they have headphones in (jumping is also encouraged). While you’re shouting about Wall Street (ignore the fact that you sent your resume to Goldman Sachs in a fit of desperation over winter break) throw in the word “establishment” and the phrase “political revolution” a couple of times and you’re all set for a spot-on impression.

Hillary Clinton

Say what you want: she is the queen of shade. Hillary’s mastered a suave, quiet way of telling people to sod off. Look at the snapshots of her in the Benghazi hearings, or stills of her face just before she rips into Republicans or Bernie Sanders, and take tips. Or maybe go in the obvious direction and try out her perfectly-rehearsed chuckle and her internal dialogue about being president. Whatever you do, don’t forget the iconic haircut and pantsuit.

Ted Cruz

Make sure you memorize your bible verses and bring a note card full of jibes at the media wherever you go. Also, it’s probably a good idea to learn how to stare into the deepest recess of someone’s soul. Cruz has proven at every Republican debate that he’s the king of awkward eye contact. And awkward interactions. And, just being generally awkward.

Donald Trump

Let’s face it, if you can’t make a Trump impression funny then the stage is not for you. Whatever angle you end up tackling this from, It’s going to be “huuuuuuge.” I’m not quite sure where the nearest wig store in Cambridge is, but if you’re that pressed to emulate Trump, I’m sure you can find a few hairballs in the corner of your dorm room and some yellow paint from the Freshman Art’s Room. Finally, enroll in the new EXPOS 40: Bold, Brazen and Bullheaded, a Public Speaking Practicum.

Marco Rubio

Boots! Seriously, ditch the “buttas” and combat boots and get yourself a pair of whatever Rubio was wearing on the campaign trail. And while you’re at it, it’s time to put those public speaking courses that you took in high school to the test. Stand in front of the mirror, lace your bootstraps up and recite your most patriotic speech, while nervously chugging water every few minutes. Just be sure not to accidentally flip flop; Fox News will be sure to catch it on tape.

Ben Carson

Honestly, all you need to do to be Ben Carson is just chill out—and if you hit up your stoner blockmate to do so, we aren’t going to judge you. Just sit in the back of your section with a muted smile and never raise your voice above a murmur. Always look very pleased with yourself. If you can spare the cash, maybe also commission an oil portrait of you and Jesus to hang in your dorm room.

At the end of the day, we should all be grateful to have such a cast of characters running for President. Good to know we’ll be in excellent hands for the next four years.

HUPD Crime Log: While You Were Away... 12/21-1/25

You probably spent your winter break at home, binging on Netflix and sleeping past noon while trying to forget the trials and tribulations of the semester. But while you were eating everything in your parents' fridge, our friends at HUPD were back on campus, defending the University's honor.

December 21, 2015
Officer took a walk-in report of a stolen HUID card, an MBTA card, and $20.00 in U.S. currency.
No one can find me now with my new identity.

December 23, 3015
Officers dispatched to a report of an unwanted guest in the restroom area. Officers arrived and report individual gone on arrival.
“My bad, I thought this was the men’s room”

December 24, 2015
Officer dispatched to a report of an individual screaming obscenities and causing a disturbance. Officer arrived and report individual gone on arrival.
Must have been a pretty bad breakup.

December 31, 2015
Officer took a report of property damage to an area of grass.
Harvard property is Harvard property, no matter how small.

January 6, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of annoying emails.
“Mom, you’re embarrassing me!”

January 12, 2016
Officers dispatched to a report of a group of teenagers causing a disturbance by climbing on the benches and statues in the area. Officers arrived and report group gone on arrival.
Prospective students wanting to get a head start on their Three Things?

January 20, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a stolen package containing paint valued at $8.99.
Don’t let the haters stop you from making the world your canvas.

January 21, 2016
Officer dispatched to take a report of a stolen package containing protein valued at $37.00.
How am I supposed to get ripped now? #swolepatrol

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