The Super Bowl is upon us, and, trust me, there is nothing super about being called out for knowing nothing about America's number one pastime. So to help you watch the funny commercials in peace, here is some advice on how to look like you understand the game.
1. Avoid Big Words
Touch-down, first-down, nice play? The football lexicon can get kind of confusing. So to avoid utter embarrassment it is best to avoid technical terms when commenting on the game. I recommend the general grunt and howl. Instead of showing your ignorance by using actual English, try throwing your beer on the floor and yelling obscenities in foreign languages. If you do it right, people won’t know if you are cheering, booing, or experiencing a mild form of cardiac arrest.
2. Change the Subject
At the risk of upsetting any real fans—or inviting any questions—don't root for a team. When people ask you who you are cheering for, nod enthusiastically and change the subject to the salsa selection. Did you try the artichoke dip? If there is no salsa selection leave the party. There is nothing keeping you there.
3. Follow a Fan
To look like you are paying attention, simply choose another fan and mimic everything she does the entire game. When he cheers, you cheer, when she cries, you cry, when he dips, you dip. Things might get awkward when you follow him into the bathroom, so just make sure to wash your hands.
4. Memorize a Statistic
Have an impressive statistic on hand so that if anyone talks to you, you have something to say. For example when someone asks you who you think will win or what you did over break try saying something along the lines of "In 2012 49er player Tarell Brown had one interception" or try this this gem, "Edgar Allen Poe wrote 'The Raven' in 1845."