Sex in the Stacks and Texting Him Back

Welcome to "Listen Up!," Flyby's weekly advice column, written by two jobless, washed-up seniors from their futon in Winthrop.

We rounded up some of your most poignant questions from the past few week and responded with our unfailing wisdom.

Q: I'm a senior and have completed the following: jumping off Weeks, Primal Scream, peeing on John Harvard. Last thing to do is get it on in the stacks of Widener, but I have no boyfriend and no prospects. Any suggestions??

Love,

Suddenly Horny

A: With only a month left to graduation, strategy is key to completing this task. We suggest you target the following groups:

1. Past hookups: Find that guy from your freshmen entryway and tell him you are feeling "nostalgic." Or "suddenly horny."

2. Younger men: There are plenty of freshmen just a few feet from Widener.

3. Librarians: Easy access. Although we don't know where they stand on the sex in the stacks thing.

4. Public records of those convicted of indecent exposure: Self explanatory.

Q: I have a recurring problem where I become friends with a guy, we become pretty close, then it gets awkward because I like hanging out with him, but I'm not looking to take it to the next level.  So basically do you have any advice on balancing being close friends with a guy while also ensuring that he doesn't develop feelings for you which would make it weird?  PS- I also have a long distance boyfriend.

A: You clearly have not been reading our column. Again, this is not a problem.

Q: When texting a boy, how do you play it "cool" and not come off as desperate?

A: It is difficult for us to answer this, mostly because we rarely make it to the stage where we have the number of a guy who does not work for Domino's Pizza or Insomnia Cookies. (And we definitely come off as desperate when we interact with them. There's no "playing it cool" when you have waited for the the S'mores Deluxe to come out of the oven on a Friday night several weekends in a row.) If you are so lucky, however, there are a few things we recommend.

First of all, keep it short and casual. Just because your iPhone is capable of sending novellas over iMessage doesn't mean you should do that. Remember when texts were limited to 160 characters? Aim for that.

Timing is key. Not in the, "I'm going to wait five hours to answer this so then he thinks I am out doing something really fun and am too busy to be thinking about talking to him when really I am sitting here staring at my blank computer screen and licking melted chocolate from my hands" way. It is also weird to wait the exact amount of time to answer that he last waited to answer you. Respond when you have time and when you have something to say (unless what you have to say is stupid).

Also, don't use LOL. Just don't. You will sound like a seventh grade girl. And if the recipient thinks that’s okay, then you should probably quit worrying about sounding desperate and stop texting him.  If something is funny, you can signify this in other ways. For example, the bloody needle emoji.

Finally, this is what the notepad function on your iPhone is for. Draft, edit, copy, paste, send. Now put your phone away and stop obsessively checking to see if he has responded. If necessary (which it always is in our room), change your phone's password three times in rapid succession so even you aren't sure of what it is. Bonus points if you wait to send a nerve-wracking text until your phone is on 1% battery so it dies before you can repeatedly check to see if he's answered.

If none of this works, keep this in mind. When we ask Pete at Domino's if he wants to come over at midnight on a Saturday, he always says yes. And he brings snacks.

Q: Online dating...do or don't?

A: HAS NO ONE ELSE SEEN THE CRAIGSLIST KILLER LIFETIME MOVIE?

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Love and Life Lessons,

Sarah and Julia