I ate something funny in the dhall the other day, and now have a large greenish rash developing on my face and a third arm growing out of my chest. I went to UHS, and they said to ask you guys what to do.
Oh, you must have had the BBQ Chicken soup. Yeah, never a good call. On the bright side we do have some advice for you: drop out of school and become a professional juggler. Or even better, don’t drop out of school and join one of those troupes that performs outside of Quincy Market. Work-Study requirement? Consider it fulfilled.
I have a really hot TF, and can't focus in section because I just fantasize about him. What do I do?
We want you to perform an exercise right now wherever you’re reading this (unless you’re in section in which case we pat ourselves on the back for distracting you from your alleged distraction). Blankly stare ahead of you, tilt your head, and start drooling a little. Now picture how unflattering that would look if you saw someone else do this. This is what we imagine your hot TF sees when they look at you*. You look stupid.
Our advice for individuals who are in the same section as their crushes applies in a modified form in this situation. We’re not going to advocate for you to start participating in your class all of a sudden. That would attract too much attention, and frankly would be a lot of work for you. As we’ve advised before, only speak immediately after your crush has made a comment, echoing that statement positively. However, every time your TF asks a question always be second to answer the question. Why? So you can directly contradict the point that the first question-answerer made. TFs ABSOLUTELY LOVE when there’s a “diversity of opinion.” They gobble it up.
Also, utilize all office hours. You can go over the things you missed daydreaming in your actual section while also staring deeply into your TFs eyes as he explains to you that you’re currently failing the class and might need to take the class over. Don’t you just love how the word ‘fail’ rolls off their tongue? Yum.
*No one has actually stared at us longingly so this is mostly based on cartoons we’ve watched. Dev claims that a girl did longingly stare at him once but with no eyewitnesses, we can only conclude that this never actually happened.
I had a very explicit sexual dream about a Tasty Burger last night. Is there something wrong with me?
What is the best way to dispose of a dead body in the Harvard area?
Near the registrar’s office. It will probably go undiscovered for days.
You see the administrators of this great school decided first that undergraduates would have to live in the Radcliffe Quadrangle, away from the rest of the student body. Then they contemplated where they would place the Registrar’s Office. They looked and looked, and decided that instead of placing the office in the Quad where it would be accessible to at least 19 percent of the student body or in the Yard where it would be accessible to the rest of the student body, they would place it perfectly between the Yard and the Quad in order to make it inconvenient for everyone. There’s a big problem when the registrar’s office is closer to the Sheraton Commander and a restaurant called Nubar than it is to any students.
What if her booty does need explaining?
Harvard offers many strong courses in foreign languages, from Swahili to Swedish. However, the poet Derulo assures us, the only situation when you will really need to understand a foreigner is when that person speaks to you in a suggestive manner. So don’t worry.
My parents died in a car crash when I was 1 year old, and I have been living with my aunt and uncle ever since. I sleep in the closet under the stairs and endure bullying from my fat cousin everyday, and can't help feeling that I was meant for something more. I also have a weird cut on my forehead that hasn't healed for 11 years. Is there any hope for me?
Never give up hope, young friend. First, we are so sorry to hear about your parents. However, aunts and uncles can be great guardians and sources of support. Second, if you sleep in a closet, might we suggest transferring houses? Judging from your sleeping situation, it sounds like you’re living in Winthrop. We know it’s close to the MAC, but come on, you deserve better. In regards to the cut, that seems like a medical problem and you should visit University Health Services before it gets infected.
Now in terms of your fat cousin. All we’re going to say is that the two of you should take a visit to the zoo, particularly the reptile section. You guys might find yourselves “bonding” there.
I literally do no homework...is this bad?
See, here’s the problem. We really want to help you. We truly want to give you great advice. We signed up to take over Listen Up! not because we have nothing better to do with our lives but because we believe that we can provide a crucial resource currently missing from the student body. But we can’t help you if you waste our time with short, unsubstantive questions like this one.
What kind of classes do you take? For instance if you take a class where homework is only worth 20 percent of the grade then you’re fine, you’ll probably get an A. If you’re in a class where homework is worth 50 percent of the grade then you’re in real trouble, you’ll get the dreaded B+.
You. Need. To. Tell. Us. These. Things. You could be in one of those introductory math classes where you’re supposed to be pumping out problem sets like they’re nobody’s business. Or you could be in one of those new-age flipped classrooms things where we assume you just watch videos and don’t have any homework. No one knows but you.
Steven, how do I make hair more luscious?
Suave Naturals Ocean breeze shampoo. Bring the waves to your scalp.
I don't think I'm going to get any summer job...how do I cope with going back home to my high school job for three whole months?
Let’s dissect this question. “I’m not going to get any summer job...going back home to my high school job.” Uhh, so you have a job.
We’re just going to assume what you really meant is that you didn’t land that prestigious internship at a consulting firm or a nice high-paying finance summer job. Well first of all, we aren’t at the hiring end of any of those places, but we assume that an important part in the decision-making process is “can I understand what this person is asking or writing?” Surely, if you can’t properly convey your thoughts when a prompted to “Submit your question below,” you won’t be able to write a comprehendable cover letter and resume.
As for how you will cope? We think maybe you could take up baking, we hear it’s pretty relaxing.
Dear Dev and Steve (I wish your names rhymed. They look like they would...), how the fuck does one deal with super annoying Harvard Class of 2018ers back in our hometowns? As a current freshman, I refuse to believe I was ever this infuriatingly cocky.
First of all, you probably were that cocky. You should just let them have their fun. Let them brag about how great they are and how awesome it’s going to be when they matriculate, and how they’ll have such a great freshman year and they’re going to meet new people and do super well in their classes. You can just secretly laugh because you know that life here is sometimes kind of meh, you’re drowning with homework (unless you “literally” don’t do any of it), and you don’t get to socialize as much as you’d like to.
As always, don’t forget to submit your questions! Come on, we know you’re troubled. Hopefully you can submit better questions than some of the ones in this post. That’s right, we even took the extra clicking out of the equation so you can’t use that as an excuse.