Listen Up!: Library Shenanigans, Dean Pfister, and Tutor Troubles

Welcome back to Listen Up! Your trusted Flyby advisers—two uniquely unqualified, naïve, decidedly uninteresting sophomores—are back with the latest advice and invaluable counsel.

Over the past several weeks, we have received numerous inquiries as to whether the questions we answer are actually real. Let us assure you, just as with each and every post, all of the questions we publish are very, very real. Honestly, if you’ve read our responses, you know we are nowhere near clever enough to come up with answers that are as funny and insightful as your questions.

We have received hundreds of submissions, and only the best of the best make it onto the post every week. If you think you have what it takes, don’t forget to submit your questions here or on the Googleform at the end of the post. Come on, we know you’re troubled.

Does sex in Widener count if it’s just with myself?

Excuse us, what? We knew some of you out there was desperate to finish the three things but not this desperate.

We suppose that if that fits your definition of sex, then it can personally count as your fulfilment of sex in the stacks. But part of the point of these acts is that you can brag your entire life that you had the guts (or balls, if you will) to have sex in a library, participate in Primal Scream, and provide tourists with a wet foot to rub.

It’s definitely not as cool if you replace sex with self-pleasure. In fact, you go from sounding like an awesome college kid to sounding like an indecent threat to society.

For all our sakes, we just hope you don’t work at the circulation desk.

There’s this guy who I’ve been crushing on, and he’s perfect but I don’t think he knows I exist. How do I get Dean Pfister’s attention??

It’s always tough to catch the eyes of those celebrities who make your heart beat a little faster. We know first-hand: Emma Watson hasn’t returned any of our fan mail. (In fact, we send her an additional piece of fan mail every Listen Up! submission we get. All the more reason to ask us questions).

But after some truly groundbreaking research, we have one strategy for your courtship of Dean Pfister that may prove useful: fungus. While this may be a deterrent to most men, it might be just the smelly, weird mushroom-shaped key to Pfister’s heart. First step, buy a high-quality mushroom costume (it HAS to be high-quality or else he might discover your ruse too quickly.) Second, position yourself at the heart of Harvard Yard on a tree near the not-actually John Harvard statue. We have on good authority that the Dean’s window faces that direction! Now, just wait patiently until he approaches you. After that, it’s all up to you.

By Dennis A. Sun

What is the best way to play it cool when you accidentally fart really loudly in the library?

Your first response should always be to stare at the person closest to you and give them a face. What face, you ask? This face. The same one you give to that guy who takes the last spoonful of tomato basil soup in the dhall. One glaring, confident stare is all it takes to convert a little digestive hiccup into a socially domineering position.

Whenever I shower in our bathroom, I always hear the people next door having very loud sex in their shower, which shares a wall with ours. It’s pretty gross, and I would tell them to be quieter, but they are my tutors. How do I get out of their sex life?

There is one clear solution to this problem: have sex in your own shower—just louder. This allows you to bring up the issue with the tutor when they come around complaining about you. At a bare minimum, you can help drown out the noise. Plus, there’s the added benefit that you’re having sex.

If that option is not available to you in your current romantic situation, we here at Listen Up! encourage you to rely on that most sacred of shower traditions: singing. Whether you’re star of the Opportunes or just a star to your mother, here’s your chance to exercise those vocal chords. Choose between one of these three songs, and you’ll be sure to get the effect you want.

1. Make sure you sing the intro.
2. Tap into your inner Olivia Newton-John.
3. And of course, no playlist would be complete without a little Britney.

If worst comes to worst and your beautiful singing fails, you can always approach your tutors and tell them to register their “party.” After all, they should be held to the same standards as us, right?

Dear Dev and Steve,
There is a guy that I like in the year above me. We've worked together and get along well but aren't really friends. How do I increase my social contact with him without being too forward or seeming like a naive freshman girl?Sincerely,
Lovesick in Lionel

Dear Ms. Lovesick,

Since you had the decency to write to us formally, we’ll give you a lengthy response.

We have to come clean. We’ve been incredibly helpful in answering our readers’ questions. We’ve answered 26 questions, each with careful thought and consideration. Our expertise really has run the gamut from questions regarding best shampoos to questions about how to solve complex math concepts. However, what you ask us is actually beyond our shared knowledge. Oh don’t get us wrong, it’s not because we’re bad at what we do. It’s actually because we’re super awesome.

You see, the concept of flirting—which essentially is what you want help with—doesn’t really exist in our universe. You’ve seen our photos (yes, the people featured at the top of every post are not models hired by Flyby but actual photos of us), we don’t need to spend months, weeks, even days, in the courtship process. Fortunately for us (and unfortunately for you), the sparks fly immediately. By the time Dev is ten minutes into a conversation with a girl, he’s already secured the time and location of the second date. Steven’s a bit slower, clockin’ in at fifteen minutes, but he’s getting better.

That’s not to say we’re refusing to answer this question. We've spent hours pouring over web resources and compiled the best advice for you. The best website we found in terms of help in this area is wikiHow. It’s a less comprehensive version of this column, but it’ll do. WikiHow recommends that you “give a little wave” when you leave his presence. “When he reciprocates, you’ll know you have his attention.” Another article says that the next time you work together, you should raise your eyebrows a little bit, push your tongue down against the bottom of your mouth, and make eye contact, but only to quickly look away and continue on with your work as if nothing happened. Apparently “this keeps him wanting more.”

Does that help? We’re really sorry that we couldn’t directly help you in increasing your social contact with this guy.

Best of luck!

Sincerely,

Steven and Dev

Want more? Like Flyby on Facebook, follow us on Twitter @crimsonflyby, and now on Instagram!