What Your Admissions Letter Didn’t Tell You

Congratulations! Upon careful review of your application, we are pleased to inform you that you have been admitted into the college that accepts more tourists than it does students and where the feet of snow is higher than your GPA!

So, you’ve been admitted to Harvard. (I say this genuinely this time: congratulations!) However, there is a lot that Harvard should tell you in your admissions letter, yet they choose to conceal. Fear not, Flyby is here to help. Here is what your admissions letter should have told you:

1. You think you beat out the competition, but you haven’t. During the first week of school, I was rejected by a zumba class. This is the norm. You’ll get used to it, though. It builds character.
2. You probably won’t have time to find your future husband or wife.
3. The world doesn’t actually open up for you just because you go to Harvard; my roommates and I live in Rashida Jones’s room and she still ignored our interactions with her on Twitter. Honestly, it’s a bummer.
4. There is a foreign land, the Quad, that you probably won’t know about until it’s too late. A foreign species, the Quadlings, live there. They are students too, and you might become one of them, but you don’t know if you’re destined for this fate when you accept your spot at Harvard. Note: The Quad is unsafe. I don’t get cell reception at spots in the Quad, including my own house. How am I supposed to call HUPD if there is a very serious emergency such as a spider? Unsafe.
5. You can make Snapchat stories that will make your friends back home jealous. Just be sure to use the Harvard geofilter; otherwise, what’s the point?
6. Be prepared to make sure the back of your head is always looking its best because you’ll be in the background of at least 10 tourist photos each day.
7. You’ll be presented with a multitude of incredible opportunities but you won’t have time to take advantage of them.
8. You probably peaked in high school. You might not get anything more in life, but don’t worry, you’ll always have this acceptance letter.
9. We beat Yale. We’re always better. That, truly, is all that matters.