In case you haven’t checked your Harvard email in a few days, the Q-Guide is out. Why bother filling it out at all? Well, you want to give future students a bit of a sense of what they’re getting into — either a spectacular, as Rakesh would say “transformative experience,” or a shit show that will have you wondering why you even decided to go to college. Even if no one takes your advice, you’ll at least get your transcript just in time for the holidays—and just in time to have an awkward conversation with your parents about why “grade inflation” doesn’t seem to apply to you. On to the Q!

In your opinion, what preparation or background is necessary to take this course?

One year of single-variable calculus, a tendency for self-sabotage, and a Xanax prescription with unlimited refills.

How much money did you spend on this course?

Do you select “nothing” because you got away with borrowing your roommate’s older brother’s ex-girlfriend’s coffee-stained textbook from 1986? Or do you choose “greater than $300” because this course alone is the reason why you maxed out your credit card at C’est Bon?

Evaluate your TF:

You don’t want to be too harsh, but wouldn’t it be more humane to future students to put an end to this person’s teaching career before it has a chance to start? Try listing alternative, more useful ways Harvard could employ this individual: Tourist Control Supervisor, Party Locator Manager…

Evaluate your instructor on the following: gives effective lectures or presentations, if applicable:

That one lecture you attended in mid-September was actually pretty interesting…you’ll be going with “not applicable”.

Would you recommend this course?

Uh, no? Unless your ex is reading this. But you’d only recommend the best of Harvard to this person, like mumps and HUDS’s latest attempt at hipster cuisine.