The tl;dr Version of the "Harvard's Next President" Email

Because these are the only two lines you read, we've broken down the rest. By Lydia L. Cawley

After Drew G. Faust broke records as Harvard’s first female president, the Corporation and Board of Overseers have chosen one of their own, Lawrence S. Bacow—who is, shockingly, an old white man—for our next president. We know you didn’t read beyond the first two lines of the introductory email sent out by the search committee, so we’ve picked out the most notable and quotable bits.

“Larry Bacow”

His name is Larry. Larry. For such a distinguished office, it’s pretty pathetic that three Larrys have occupied it. That’s three times the number of Presidential women, and, if it wasn’t obvious already, all those Larrys are white.

“He will bring…wide experience, deep expertise, and an intimate familiarity…”

Could have done without the erotica-esque epithets, William F. Lee, but clearly he’s excited about this pick.

“The son of immigrants”

A not-so-subtle diversity plug, but it falters when followed by the phrase “with three degrees from Harvard.”

“He embraced diversity as a cornerstone of excellence”

See above. Also, why is it considered an accomplishment to “embrace diversity” and accept that diversity is excellent?

“He led the most ambitious fundraising drive in Tufts history”

Ah, now it all makes sense. With Harvard’s woeful endowment prospects, who better to give our hoard of billions a boost than Larry?

“‘Larry, Larry, Larry’”

Apparently, this is what the Tufts kids chanted when he was President. While we got Tufts’ sloppy seconds, for the love of Drew G. Faust, I hope we can come up with a better chant.

Welcome, Larry. We’re glad “the Corporation” set you free.