This week's Crimson Arts cover story may have led some readers to believe that Crimson editor Alexander Tang '14 frequents a tailor. Some readers would be mistaken. Mr. Tang is on hand to detail why.
Reasons I don't visit a tailor:
1. I like having the extra room in my suits so I have a place to store all my shame.
2. I abide by the rule of Occam's Blazer, which states that between equal outfits, I should select the one with the fewest alterations.
3. I'm still not entirely convinced that it's legal to receive performance-enhancing stitches. Also, I heard in a rap video once that "snitches get stitches," and I'm no snitch.
4. I believe it was John F. Kennedy who once said, "Conformity is the tailor of freedom and the enemy of growth." I like freedom, and conformity seems like it's a bad thing.
5. I'm pretty sure tailored suits were what was rotten in Denmark.
6. I don't want people to think I care about what I look like. I want people to think I fell into a pile of clothes, writhed around for a minute or two, and then stumbled out into the world with whatever stuck. Because that's what I do.
7. Who has the time to see a tailor? My schedule is packed with important business deals, hugging attractive women, and living free. If you're seriously asking which I would choose, between hugging a certified dame and a wearing suit that doesn't look like I fell into a burlap sack that I was too lazy to extricate myself from, well, clearly you don't know a thing about living free.
8. I'm worried that if my clothes start fitting too well, they will finally make the leap from being one of the reasons people like me to the only reason people like me.