Pforzheimer House

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As Housing Day approaches, FlyBy will serve as your personal rating agency with a complete rundown by a resident of each House. Not that you have any say (River Gods notwithstanding), but at least you’ll know whether your portfolio is getting a downgrade.

So you might get Quadded. Along with 25 percent of your class. It's okay though—your river friends weren't that interesting anyway, right? Read after the jump for a detailed look of life just a shuttle ride away from, well, life.

Location: Underrated. A short walk from Starbucks on Mass. Ave, less so from the 24/7 Shaw's and CVS in Porter Square (yes, an entire T-stop away). It really isn't so bad. Sure, your life revolves around the whims of the shuttle and its tendencies to just pucker out when you are already running late, but—oh wait, there is no but. Did I mention the muggers' hangout also known as Cambridge Common?

Rooming: Unreal. N + 1 housing does not exist in Pfoho. And why is that? Because no such formula is needed if everyone is guaranteed a single, a common room, and possibly a kitchen, if you're lucky. And the floor-length windows in Jordan? Just make sure you draw the shades lest the College's residential life Dean Suzy M. Nelson calls the cops on you for the "very indiscreet goings-on" in the privacy of your 125 sqaure-foot bedroom overlooking her backyard.

Dining Hall: Empty. Pfoho's two-tier dining hall boasts a modern look, longer hours, and navigable chairs (cough, Adams, cough). You never have to worry about overcrowding or the guy who rudely scoops the last of the tater tots in Quincy. Get used to eating in the company of your lone thoughts—or just stroll into Adams and smirk triumphantly when Lucy the card-swiper opens her mouth to enforce interhouse restrictions before realizing that you, in fact, have dining rights as a Pfoho resident.

House List: Pf-air. The Pf-open list is a pf-orum for pfohosers to add a "pf" in pf-ront of every pf-reaking word that begins with an "f." We get it. "Pfoho" has a silent "p." Not that pf-ucking pf-unny after the pf-irst pf-ifty times.

House Masters: Wild card. Current housemasters Jim and Sue McCarthy bid farewell and welcome the Christakis—a lovely couple who has promised to continue the McCarthy's tradition of BBQ ribs every fortnight.

House Culture: N/A. What?  We kind of only sleep here.

The Rating: Junk.* Sorry, Pfoho. You can boast your magnificent lawn and spacious rooms, but face it—you live in the Quad.  You will psyche yourself out that it's not so bad, but on that occasional night where you're standing around freezing at 3:30am, you'll think about the hundreds of hours you light on fire because of living in the Quad and you'll shed a little tear for the cold arbitrariness of life.

*Ratings run as such: [AAA > AA > A > BBB > junk > subprime]