A Little Levity
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Gaining an audience with the mighty Local Emergency Management Team Leader Supreme, All-Knowing Weather Aficionado Dean of Student Life Stephen Lassonde was not easy.
Ever gone in for the hug only to be held at arm’s length with a firm handshake? Ever had your extended hand crushed between two bodies in a gripping embrace? FM knows that, sometimes, it can just be hard to greet people. We’re here to help. Take our quiz below and get on the path to becoming a socializing extraordinaire.
We’ll be the first to admit it: we aren’t the most muscular writers on FM. We don’t have the prodigious heft of Nathan and Ben, for instance. But, feeling fed up with the biting jabs about our scrawniness at writers’ meetings, we recently sought the help and advice of one of the fittest people on campus: Carolyn F. Pushaw ’16, a Marine-option ROTC midshipmen.
FM imagines where Harvard’s premier talent is most likely to end up. Today we bring you a guide to your futures based on your choice of student group. And let’s be honest: We all know Harvard students only join these clubs for the career opportunities. So when you consider what to comp next semester, keep this list in mind.
Here are a few summer proposals we’re almost positive that the OCS has received, and no doubt rejected, in the past.
Now that everyone has frolicked sufficiently, snow days have become a time for learned contemplation. FM considers how students of various concentrations can best use their time off.
I want to be known, and loved, and intellectually and sexually adored constantly by everybody. I want each party to be a glimmering climax where I utterly belong. Enter Valentine’s Day weekend: a playground of hungry hearts and lonely bodies.
Well, it’s that time of the year again, the time when loveless (and sexless) Harvard students have their best chance of finding the one who’s missing from their lives. No, I am not talking about the podst-Valentine’s Day spike in Tinder use. We’re talking about the one, the only, Datamatch. If love can’t be found using questions such as, “What kind of infectious disease describes your sex life?” then all hope is lost. With that in mind, FM describes the seven people with whom you Datamatched (whether or not you are excited about them is up to you).
With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, those of us (i.e. not me) in relationships might be curious as to what to give their special someone. Luckily, I am an expert gift giver.
Dear extended relatives, family friends, former English teachers, gynecologists, and my brother’s roommates and their extended relatives, I am very tired of answering the same questions about my future, over and over. And I know, for the most part, you have only been asking to be polite, to make conversation, or so that you can compare me to your daughter (she wins, okay, she wins!). So to streamline the process I have compiled a list of the most commonly asked questions (and their answers) about my future and career goals.
Ah, senior spring—when some of us solicit people we’d hardly ask to pass the salt in the d-hall for sex. Eyes swipe right and left; rigid social divides melt like snowflakes. The season is ushered in by First Chance Dance: a freshman tradition lost to us by act of hurricane, the dance—and with it, the freshman-fall-free-for-all-sex-hungry-nostalgia— has been resuscitated. Tickets cost $20, which means to get my money’s worth I need to consume the equivalent of 25 glasses of wine.
Like Forrest Gump would’ve said if he’d gotten the chance, course selection at Harvard is like a box of chocolates. That Gen Ed could turn out to be filled with sweet, melty caramel—or funky raspberry syrup. That off-the-wall VES elective could be luscious dark chocolate right to the core, or a flavorless layer of brown barely covering a hollow center. Avoid some unpleasant surprises this spring: don’t bite into any of the duds below.