A Little Levity
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We all have that one TF… No, not the TF you’re secretly lusting over. The one that will never explicitly call you out for skipping readings, but continues to stare you down in section. It’s the same one who’s been writing snarky comments in menacing red ink (or passive-aggressive purple) on every response paper. In honor of mean marginalia, FM collected some of the worst—or best, depending on how you look at it—TF comments that have been penned this semester.
There’s a cat in one corner, Steve Jobs in another, a pair of life-size salt and pepper shakers across from you. Obscene amounts of candy amass on top of tables and your roommates have decorated the common room with orange and black streamers. This means it’s Halloween and Halloween calls for some spooky alcoholic drinks. Here are some of FM’s favorites:
It’s not easy being a 400 year-old plaything to 6,700 undergraduates. Unable to escape the brutal nightly hazings by intoxicated freshman, tormented by the inferiority complex that comes from being used quite literally as a “john,” and gloomy from serving as the running inside joke around campus, the ghost of the John Harvard statue has lost a lot of spirit. To compensate for his nightly humiliations, the John Harvard statue ghost looks for sources of validation. He attracts countless legions of tourists to mindlessly photograph his statuesque physique. He lures the uninitiated into caressing his golden toe. And yet, in the end, all his ghoulish efforts somehow still leave him feeling hollow inside.
Last week, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences announced that is likely to create a new undergraduate concentration in Theater, Dance, and Media. We weren’t sure exactly how “media” fit into all of this. But we thought it was a good idea. So good, in fact, that we thought that some other concentrations that could also benefit from a little dose of media.
Even if you don’t consider yourself a well-informed person, it won’t surprise you to hear that the world’s not doing so hot. Disregard the global economy and ponder this: America’s future leaders have opted out of reality and turned into slackers. By slackers, I mean those who practice slacklining, i.e. the new Spikeball.
The stacks of Widener Library are an especially exciting place, capable of sparking a wide range of bodily functions. When nature calls, answer it with book in hand. These books specifically.
Turns out you can buy booze. Just very very very classy booze.
When I, like God, saw Franzia, I said, “Yea, it is affordable and of bad quality; therefore it is good.”
“Beyoncé -The Study” is a new Harvard Business School case study that examines the business operations behind the powerful music industry figure. But why stop at the B School? FM thinks every Harvard grad school should incorporate Beyoncé into its curriculum.
Defining “basic” is anything but. While basicness is commonly understood as a binary, close scrutiny—in the form of a weekend on Long Island—has reminded me that this is far from the case. Like electromagnetism and everything in a WGS class, “basic” is a spectrum, and like a proclivity for pumpkin spice, it exists inside all of us. To help make sense of this misunderstood condition (and our desire to pair Juicy with Uggs), FM presents the Basic pH Scale. Similar to the litmus paper from your 8th grade science fair project, the higher you go, the more basic you get. If you have any questions, visit BU.
The folks behind LS1A—Harvard’s popular introductory life sciences course—have become known for renaming various ordinary aspects of their class, such as tests (“ICEs”) and homework (“pre-games”). Confused by all these unfamiliar terms? Never fear—we’ve created a handy guide to the LS1A lexicon, and added a few suggestions of our own.
After struggling endlessly to get off Facebook (animal videos, duh) and finish my overdue Chinese philosophy paper, I want to reward myself. Head fogged by philosophers whose names I can’t pronounce and beliefs I can’t explain (if my PAFees are reading this, this is why you go to class), I seek a prize that can validate my maximum (but probably lower) B+ grade. I’m craving something that can quench the thirst that can only be acquired in Lamont’s stratospheric top floor. I stick my hand into the fridge. What cool and refreshing beverage might I mooch off my roommate? A PBR? A Natty? Perhaps even a worldly Heineken? To my horror, the bottle that greets me is labeled with a John Boehner resembling jack-o-lantern (obviously in color, but shockingly also in form). Pumpkin beer. It takes me a second to wrap my head around such a foreign concept. Dutch, perhaps?
Beer is gross. My editors, it turns out, are also gross, as they have decided to devote an entire issue of our magazine to it. But I am a communist, and thus oriented towards taking one for the team. As an act of protest, however, and because I do not believe in market economies/have $13 in my bank account, I am only reviewing the beer I manage to get for free: at parties, and, in an act of virtuosic mooching, from my roommate’s supply. It’s not pretty, but neither is late capitalism.
Always keenly attuned to the spiritual needs of our readers, Fifteen Minutes gazed skyward this week to assess the future. The best way to consult the oracles, we have learned, is by lounging on divans with sweet Ganymede, Zeus’s cupbearer, at our elbows.
Everybody’s been talking about the similarities between the Isis Club and the militant group, ISIS. To ensure our readership is informed and capable of discerning the difference, we present a difficult, though informative, quiz. Choose which group provided the following quotes.