Levity
Harvard Exports to Yale
The interuniversity trade routes between Yale and Harvard opened earlier this month by the proclamation of CS50’s export to Yale College, which is in Connecticut. This is no small step. CS50 is the best bioweapon we have engineered. With its t-shirts and free stuff, we are hopeful that it will divide the Yale campus into two groups: those who wear the “I took CS50” T-shirts, and those who do not. But this export should not be the last one by any means. FM considers other authentic items that Harvard has to offer to this time-honored rival for its betterment:
Section Leader Sass
While our TFs always try to be helpful, sometimes their generous advice comes in the form of pure brutality. Every now and then, we get a paper back and the unforgiving red ink is more honest than we needed it to be. Because it happens way too often, FM takes another look at some of our TFs’ greatest hits in the genre of mean comments.
Four Dollar Wine Critic: Okay, Cupid, Alright, Already
Online dating is a thing people do. I have yet to personally do it, because my love style tends to go something like: meet random person making acerbic jokes about American racial politics; fall into deep soul-macerating love; lose all sense of self and world; have visited upon me the devastation that yea indeed was loosed upon Sodom and Gomorrah; rinse, and repeat.
A Guide for You Yale Visitors
Hi, Yale friends. It can be hard navigating the Harvard social scene (though not as hard as navigating the New Haven crime scene). FM came up with some tips that should help you have a good time after The Game.
Teen Mag Quiz: Where Should You Go For Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Whether you’re an international student who’s baffled as to why we eat turkey in remembrance of genocide, an American undergrad dreading going home out of fear of seeing your parents, or somewhere in between, FM’s got you covered. You’re only five questions away from a definitive answer as to what you should do for Thanksgiving, so what are you waiting for? Christmas?
Adulthood: A Day Planner
The Washington Post writer shows how if you think procrastination stops once you leave college, you’re woefully mistaken.
How I Saved Jodie Foster
The co-executive producer of The Simpsons explains what happens when doctor dreams go down the drain.
Harvard Comedy (And Other Oxymorons)
Reiss, a former showrunner, writer, and producer for “The Simpsons,” talks about Harvard’s lack of fun.
FM Presents: The Comedy Issue
FM celebrates Harvard's comedy legacy, with original content from various Harvard comedians and FM staff writers.
Declaration of Concentration
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a sophomore to commit to a concentration, mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the concentration.
FM Imagines: Lesser Known Recruiters
Tired of the endless finance, consulting, and tech companies at career recruiting fairs? FM imagines what the job hunt would be like if the lesser-known companies you really wanted to work for came to campus. Peruse at your will, but not for too long—deadlines are fast approaching, and any of these jobs would be better than living in grandma’s basement (or would they? The ol’ gal does make a mean pecan pie).
Four Dollar Wine Critic: Get Wise
This week in the oral surgery industry, I get my wisdom teeth taken out. This was never supposed to happen; my dentist originally justified the ordeal as medically necessary because a “rite of passage,” which just didn’t seem to cut it as a reason for a surgical procedure.
Four Dollar Wine Critic: Yes, I Said Yes, I Will, Yes
It’s Halloweekend, folks, and fuck if I’m paying for my own alcohol. Also, I spent my work-study money on lingerie, because this Halloween, I’m going as Molly Bloom. Molly Bloom, a character in James Joyce’s “Ulysses,” is a fierce bitch, and the novel ends on her “yes” of orgasmic affirmation. She is an artist and a badass motherfucker who eats sausages for breakfast.
Bad Trend Alert: Senior Bar
I study history and literature, that most refined, elegant, and humble combination of subjects. But it seems that is not enough for the despotic tyrants of Harvard’s Program in General Education. “You must be well-rounded,” they say. “You must study math to remind yourself of how shitty your math has become, and you must study science to remind yourself of how shitty your science has become, and you must stop reading books—everyone thinks you’re a huge nerd.”
What Should Freshmen Parents Do Around Town?
9:30 a.m.: Wake up for your 10 a.m. Give up on your 10 a.m. Last night’s Thirsty Thursday debauchery certainly doesn’t come for free. Your parents, eyes bright, peek into your miniscule Holworthy double. Lie to your parents, saying you received an email that your [insert class that would never be cancelled] lecture was postponed. Roll back into bed, sinking into the deepest parts of slumber you can only enjoy during truancy.
Thanksgiving Mad-Lib
Hey __________ (kid who lives in New York / “friend” from my Gov section / my Ec TF), you know we’ve _________ (been friends / hated each other / had a non-exclusive, consistent “thing”) for a while now and my family __________ (lives too far away / hates me / is vegetarian), so I don’t have a place to __________ (crash / eat / procreate) over Thanksgiving Break.
Students Without Cellphones
At Harvard, where access to e-mail and texting is almost as necessary as access to oxygen, some students choose to go without today’s most ubiquitous form of communication.
Concentrations That Could Use More Media
Last week, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences announced that is likely to create a new undergraduate concentration in Theater, Dance, and Media. We weren’t sure exactly how “media” fit into all of this. But we thought it was a good idea. So good, in fact, that we thought that some other concentrations that could also benefit from a little dose of media.
Drinky Drink: Spooky Cocktails
There’s a cat in one corner, Steve Jobs in another, a pair of life-size salt and pepper shakers across from you. Obscene amounts of candy amass on top of tables and your roommates have decorated the common room with orange and black streamers. This means it’s Halloween and Halloween calls for some spooky alcoholic drinks. Here are some of FM’s favorites:
Ghost Stories for the Disturbed 02138 Mind
It’s not easy being a 400 year-old plaything to 6,700 undergraduates. Unable to escape the brutal nightly hazings by intoxicated freshman, tormented by the inferiority complex that comes from being used quite literally as a “john,” and gloomy from serving as the running inside joke around campus, the ghost of the John Harvard statue has lost a lot of spirit. To compensate for his nightly humiliations, the John Harvard statue ghost looks for sources of validation. He attracts countless legions of tourists to mindlessly photograph his statuesque physique. He lures the uninitiated into caressing his golden toe. And yet, in the end, all his ghoulish efforts somehow still leave him feeling hollow inside.
Teasing Fellows
We all have that one TF… No, not the TF you’re secretly lusting over. The one that will never explicitly call you out for skipping readings, but continues to stare you down in section. It’s the same one who’s been writing snarky comments in menacing red ink (or passive-aggressive purple) on every response paper. In honor of mean marginalia, FM collected some of the worst—or best, depending on how you look at it—TF comments that have been penned this semester.
Bad Trend Alert: Slacklining
Even if you don’t consider yourself a well-informed person, it won’t surprise you to hear that the world’s not doing so hot. Disregard the global economy and ponder this: America’s future leaders have opted out of reality and turned into slackers. By slackers, I mean those who practice slacklining, i.e. the new Spikeball.
What Can You Buy With Crimson Ca$h?
Turns out you can buy booze. Just very very very classy booze.