She’s beginning to understand me, old Internetta. Each day, she and her lap dog Webosperos know more and more about ...

I just filled out my census, and boy are my arms tired!

Let’s talk about marriage and haircuts.

Say what you will about Americans.

Where I come from, dreams go to die. I don’t mean Mordor. That’s where Balrogs go for iron-plated armor. I ...

Ham pants.

Grooooooorrn. I am a Barvardian Blromp! And I’m magical, other-worldly and mildly derivative. “Huh?,” you say in a spoooooky voice, “Moooore informaaaaaation?” Well… The year is 2014 and I appear on posters and book bags. Twilight has grown staaaaale. “Vampires?,” you say, scoffing and playing your Nintendo “Them” like a Zelfingorger! Forget vampires, give me gorgeous teenage Blromps loving each other’s bodies on a Bliztorte! That would be vokerous!

Don’t worry about it. You know what? Not even mad. It’s water under the bridge—less than that—poop shards under the ...

I can’t tell if I’m getting fatter or skinnier.I just know that I am. The general bulk is somehow shifting. ...

My Uncle Deard died last week of natural causes. I know because my mom texted me—texted, in fact, my entire ...