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Christian Science for Freshmen
The dinner served to the Board of Overseers in the Freshman Halls on Monday was a complete success. At the meeting which took place immediately afterward, it was voted to hang up the following sign over the doorway of the new McKinlock Hall instead of the customary moose head:
"This hall has been built with the single design
Of giving you victuals and drink,
And the menus prepared by the powers benign
Are better by far than you'd think.
"For the lessons we've learned in Standish and Smith,
Not to mention conclusions from Gore,
Prove that plaints on the food have been only a myth--
It is better than ever before.
"So stomach your grub, and smile as you eat,
And never, no never, say "swill";
Just think that the morsels taste toothsome and sweet,
If you think hard enough then they will."
And That's That
To the Criminal:
I have read with some interest and much annoyance the numerous communications which have appeared in your columns concerning "The Moon is a Gong". Even at the expense of giving still greater publicity to their fallacies, I am constrained to deny them all! The moon has not been, is not, and never will be a gong. Having for some time concentrated in astronomy--except on foggy nights--I feel quite free to say that John Dont Passout has taken great liberties with the moon. Speaking purely on behalf of that astral body, I wish to state that howsoever much it resembles a gong, a wash boiler, or an ash can, it assuredly IS not. Those who know anything at all about moons realize perfectly well that they are made of green cheese. Professor Wogglebug, T. E.
Extra! Extra!
The O'Connell-Ginsberg Antiquarian Expedition to Rome has brought back a manuscript of great importance to scholars and rubbish mongers. It is none other than an ancient Hearstissimus newspaper, yellow with age and other contributing causes. From its pages is taken the following contemporary is taken the following contemporary account of the combat between Aeneas and Turnus, which proves that Virgil garbled the facts in Book XII of the "Aeneid".
Into the great arena Turnus came:
Aeneas saw, and called the gods by name:
"O sweet Magnesia, Pluto and the rest,
If Nature won't I'll kill this Turnus pest!"
At this the angry Turnus hurled his spear
From Raymonds bought, and guaranteed a year;
He'd had it vulcanized in hell, you blow--
He'd had it vulcanized in hell, yoyu know--
Quite splintered was the Tuscan's oaken shaft.
Aeneas held his Trojan sides and laughed.
Then raised he up aloft on high his sword,
And through the Tuscan's pot-like belly bored.
The blood gushed forth, and then the crowd in joy
Sent up a shout to cheer the Trojan boy.
Aeneas took another slice or two.
Then granted our reporter's interview.
Copyright the Lavinium Naminer.
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