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Once upon a midnight dreary,
While I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a volume bleary
That was simply Greek to me,
While I plodded, hotly cramming
For divisional examming,
Came a craven fear so damning
Damning hope for my degree,
"I've but one more week," I shuddered,
"After that the third degree."
Quoth the Craven, "No A. B.!"
Ah, it was a queer sensation
Cramming during Spring vacation,
For my precious concentration
Slipped away in spite of me;
Futile efforts I was making,
For my muddled brain was baking,
And my heart with fear was quaking
Quaking over my degree,
O'er that rare and radiant sheepskin
Writ in Latin, called "degree".
Quoth the Craven, "Not for thee!"
Dear Sir, I Am Yours Truly
Nothing is more important in situations that demand an ably written letter than ability to write it. Since no adequate course is given in the University upon the fine art of letter writing, the Crime volunteers the following perfect letters for various common occasions:
THE CATASTROPHIC LETTER
Unhappy Sir--It is best to peruse this letter in bed. If this is inconvenient, at least don't read it at a stairway, elevator shaft, or near non-resilient or sharp objects. Move away from the window now, take a deep breath and hold it. One, two, three: Your wife and kiddies dropped dead today from--Woop there! Steady man! Watch out for . . . .! As I was saying, fell dead from the Waldorf-Astoria roof. They were all playing tag football when the wife stepped back for a long drop. And do you know that flagstaff in the square below? Well, the kiddies fell on the ball. Now, now, don't take it so hard, old man. Yours in sorrow, etc.
THE DUN LETTER
Greetings Sir--In glancing casually through our files, we chanced to read your name in connection with a triviality of $900. The discovery was amazing, a sheer piece of luck, which we wish you to share. Nothing could be more painful to the management than that non-settlement of this peccadillo, this bagatelle, this merest nothing, should prey upon your conscience. We assure you, therefore, it is absolutely payable immediately. A check for this drollery will close your most desirable account, and we insist on this lest its postponement give you anxiety. Solicitously yours, etc.
CORRESPONDENCE COURSE LETTER
Gentlemen of the mails--Your recent bill for memory course received. For got to mention when I ordered same that I was broke and couldn't pay. I recall this easily now, however, as course was fine, and I shall always remember your kindness. With fond recollections, etc. P. S.--You need not remind me of this matter again.
Eddie Cantor Sets Shelley Right
Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory
Odors, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken,
Rose-leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so thy thoughts when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on. Shelley.
Now look here, Shelley, this'll never do!
You gotta be more lively when you're blue:
Make it short and snappy.
Keep the feelin' happy.
Use some slang and common cuss-words too.
And who's your rovin' red-hot mama, hey."
What d'ya call her, Sal, Irene, or May"
Confess who is she, Percy Bysshe,
The public likes that sorta dish:
Give 'em what they want, that's what I say:
Lordy, how I miss you, Honey.
Since you went away.
Wow! I'm feelin' awful funny
Ev'ry night and day.
Leave your southern mammy, Trixy,
Come on back from down in Dixie
Lovin' mem'ries fill me, thrill me.
But at last they chill me, kill me.
I've got those wiggledy woos,
Those Gee-why don't you-come-back blues.
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