Lace Bows to Arsenic in Mail Today

Hearts and flowers are taking second place to skulls and daggers on valentine cards this year, Square merchants reported yesterday. Billet-doux featuring miniature nooses are replacing the lace and satin affairs of times past.

Local greeting card dealers found themselves caught short this week as grim-faced students mulled over the macabre selection and asked whether there were any more.

"Usually, we have very little card business on Valentine's Day," remarked one salesgirl ruefully, "but this year everyone seems to be in a rush to insult people."

Despite these omens, the National Association of Greeting Card Researchers is trying to promote Valentine's Day as a shopping boom to tide merchants over between the Christmas and Easter rushes. Feeling hampered by old mediums, they have branched out into heart-shaped cakes, perfume saturated pillows, and men's red undies.

Deluxe cards sprinkled with simulated jewels and collections of Donne's poems in lace-decorated volumes are among the eye-catchers featured.

Candy stores also noted a last minute rush which they attributed to forgetful undergraduates suddenly remembering Der Tag had arrived. Western Union was also flooded with outgoing messages bound for various cities.

Bar proprietors have been urged to revive the Roman custom of holding drinking orgies to celebrate the day by featuring Valentine specials. Many theatres throughout the country advertise Valentine programs, during which the lights are turned off for five minutes.

"If this doesn't revive love and kisses," said one association official, "we might have to copy the Romans all the way and institute a Concubine's Day."