Secret of Immortality

Joseph Stalin is an historic figure; or at least he once was an historic figure. The more recent version of Nikita Khrushchev maintains that Stalin was not only unworthy of being historic, but also of meriting the merest existence. In support of his theory, the new Soviet leader has sent busy little men scurrying about Russia removing busts, portraits, biographies, and pictures of the departed Stalin. As a result, the man who once dominated every museum, bookstore, and subway station is now ceasing to have existed.

Now Khrushchev should realize that his "now you see him, now you don't" technique might well be used against himself. To forestall his own disappearance, he should take measures which are more permanent than Stalin's--books and busts are passe in an era of incinerators and chisels. Khrushchev must really "dig in" lest he disappear.

Taking Mount Rushmore as a model, he should dig into the Urals for a several mile portrait of himself. A more valuable reminder would be railroad tracks across Siberia--which could spell out his name. Perhaps glass-walled skyscrapers with his portrait in stained-glass would work. Irrigation canals could trace his profile. Of course he could resort to the time tested method by building a pyramid.

In a less concrete vein, he might order all babies born on Sundays to be named Nikita. He could try making polygamy legal for himself--thus memorializing his family name as well. Less praiseworthy, but more effective would be an eternal life potion, and, of course, liquidation of all possible successors.