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The almost uncanny accuracy of the CRIMSON's annual predictions for the new year have puzzled and pleased our many readers for many years. The visions of what is yet to come own much of their accuracy to the inspiration which comes while sitting on copies of Nostradamus and Time magazine, chewing tea leaves and Turkish tobacco, and thinking about the glory that once was Rome and Harvard.
JANUARY. Parietal hours will be reduced by the Administrative Board. They will explain, "These are hectic times." Chiang Kai-shek will accept the position of Recreation Director with the Chinese People's Republic. Tom Dewey will refuse to comment upon his future plans while his wife paints campaign buttons and he brings his golf game down to the eighties.
FEBRUARY. Councillor Vellucci will publish his first volume of poetry, entitled, I,I,I, and Humility. Dean Bundy will deny that he wants to become football coach in an attempt to "bring government to the gridiron." Seven members of the Government and Economics Departments will suffer nervous collapses when the Americans for Democratic Action disbands.
MARCH. Perry Miller will be seen leaving the Yard brandishing a harpoon. Elvis Presley will be refused admission to Harvard. The Deans will claim that he did not fit regional distribution requirements. The first space satellite will be launched successfully and promptly shot down. The Soc Rel Department will disband, saying "We no longer feel loved."
APRIL. A Radcliffe girl is arrested for holding up the bank previously looted by an MIT student. She will explain, "I lust for experience" and then hang bullfight posters in her cell. Archibald MacLeish will volunteer his services to the football team claiming that "poetry should be brought to motion." Elsie buys out the Business School.
MAY. MacLeish is denied in a cryptic note from the Athletic Department. The note said, "Football Is." Cambridge begins work on snow clearance. Washington receives an apologetic letter from Perry Miller for having harpooned the satellite. On the international scene, the Harvard Conservative Club will invade Hungary and return after shaking hands with Janos Kadar. They will declare that the true conservative is a revolutionary. Russia, in a new era of Stalinism, will declare Rock 'n Roll "reactionary."
JUNE. A local liquor shop will be raided and charged with taking bets and numbers. Store will issue denial, "Our customers are too young to read." Vice President Nixon will propose a modernization of the White House, adding a new wing and several steps to the main staircase. The Advocate will deny rumors that it is controlled by the Ladies' Home Journal.
JULY. Confidential will write an expose of the Harvard Summer School. The article will brand Professor Pitirim Sorokin "The intellectual's answer to Polly Adler." Professor Fieser will declare that he can create complex organic forms. President Pusey will challenge him to make a tree.
AUGUST. Presley sings in Boston and thirty-seven mice stage a mass escape from the psycho labs beneath Mem Hall. Presley receives his draft notice and mass suicides follow. Russia gives Cecil B. DeMille rights to produce a film about the October revolution on location. Hemingway and Faulkner go on a fishing trip in the West Indies, come back with a new book entitled, "Beards, Booze, and Old Time Religion." Report sighting strange figure on raft, nude to waist, brandishing harpoon.
SEPTEMBER. New Ivy League fashion craze, begun in Eliot House, sweeps the nation--black shirts. Cecil B. DeMille arrested by Moscow Secret Police for conspiring to overthrow the government. Says De Mille, "It was Stanislavski technique." Arthur Darby Nock denies that he is a living reincarnation. States he, "I am Arthur Darby Nock." Is given a Ford Grant to prove it.
OCTOBER. Riot at the Freshman mixer. Explained one beaten Yardling, "I just never saw anything so horrible in my life." Harvard football team continues to lose. Says the captain, "We may not win, but we're consistent as all hell." The Reverend Mr. Buttrick admonishes the team for "thinking positively." A Harvard professor of economics is called before Congress to give his view on the possibilities for an economic collapse. Before a joint session he strokes his jaw and then flips a coin.
NOVEMBER A Cambridge Crime Commission accuses Harvard Criminoligist William McCord of being the local Mafia leader. Atomic submarine the Nautilus is destroyed by an unknown assailant. A Radcliffe senior finds a pot of gold at rainbow's end and walks away from it. "I don't accept presents from a strange Man." The Brattle Theater purchases Radio City.
DECEMBER. Confidential strikes again, saying that if students put a code number on their book cards, they can get call girls at the call desk. Time magazine names Richard Nixon man-of-the-year. Stephen Aaron and the H.D.C. land in Moscow to film the October Revolution.
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