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Tea Leaves and Taurus

NO WRITER ATTRIBUTED

January

The Paris peace negotiators agree to hold talks around an octagonal strawberry pie, with the Viet Cong bursting through the crust every hour on the half. Richard M. Nixon, in his Inaugural Address, declares he will balance the White House budget by installing a taco stand in the Lincoln Bedroom.

February

Incoming Interior Secretary Hickel unveils plans for a 60-lane automatic bowling alley atop famed Niagara Falls. As work continues on the lunar landing module, America launches Apollo 9, the first successful attempt to place three men and a dog in orbit around the moon.

March

A band of insurgent students at Georgia's Bob Jones U. organizes a protest mail-in. The Loeb Drama Center open its spring season with Abie's Irish Rose.

April

Secretary Hickel announces plans to build a 32-story parking garage along the walls of Grand Canyon. President and Mrs. Nixon acknowledge the engagement of their daughter Trish to George Hamilton, the actor.

May

Americans are jubilant over Apollo 10, the first successful attempt to put three men and a raccoon in lunar orbit. The Loeb breaks box office records with its revival of The Mousetrap.

June

Honorary Harvard degrees go to Secretary of Transportation John A. Volpe ("his good fortune was ours too"), shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis ("he trampled where others feared to tread"), and to humorist Cleveland Amory ("his pen was deft, his wit was fast").

July

Secretary Hickel releases plans to divert the Mississippi River through Alaska and build a $500-million amusement park called "Tom Sawyer's Bargain Basement." Selective Service rejects David Eisenhower's claim that he is a Quaker by marriage, and dispatches young Eisenhower to South Vietnam.

August

Mission control proclaims a perfect launching for Apollo 11, the first successful attempt to put three men and a diabetic otter in orbit around the moon. Rhody McCoy throws his hat into the New York Mayoralty race.

September

President Nixon appoints Claire Booth Luce to succeed Earl Warren as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. A committee of Harvard dignitaries attends the dedication of Mather House which crumbles to the ground when Nathan Pusey strikes it squarely with a champagne bottle. The bottle remains intact.

October

Dissident students at the University of Texas pelt their teacher with pecan pralines. From his hospital bed two days later, Professor Lyndon Johnson accepts post at Berkeley.

November

Bowing to conservationist pressures, Secretary Hickel agrees to convert California's last Redwood into a national monument. Hickel personally supervises the task of digging an elevator shaft to its top, where he opens a small heliport. Trish Nixon breaks her engagement to George Hamilton, reported honeymooning with Mark Rudd in Elkton, Md.

December

Americans watch in awe as Apollo 12, the first successful attempt to put three men and a Secretary of Transportation in orbit around the moon, fatally misfires on the launching pad. In Paris, South Vietnamese and Viet Cong negotiators agree to withdraw their troops from combat, but the war between Hanoi and Washington goes on.

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