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Soaking Up the Bennies

By Bennett H. Beach

It was a crisp Saturday in New England, just right for football. I woke up that morning with caterpillars in my stomach because this was the big day-the season opener for the Crimson touch football team. It was an especially momentous occasion because, for the first time in history, the Crimson was playing against a team of girls, the Pine Manor Salmagundi.

But there were administrative problems on this special day. After a bowl of Captain Crunch at the training table. I started trying to recruit enough guys for a full team. I really had to wonder about the strength of certain biological drives in Crimson people when only three guys there, including me, agreed to go. And one of them was a business board type. So I got friends to complete the team of six. I brushed my teeth before we left; I had never brushed my teeth before a football game before. Yes, this was a big one.

On the ride out, we started getting excited. We wondered what kind of personnel the Salmagundi might have. Just before we got there, my roommate-chauffeur-driver asked about a football. "Did you bring a football, Beach?" I didn't have much to offer in the way of an answer, but since everyone was looking at me as I sat there crunched in the back seat, I felt I had to say something. "Ah," I said. Actually, it was a pretty informative reply. After I got verbally castigated by my teammates, driver Dan pointed out that the home team is suposed to provide the ball.

Our team, despite having one more person, was definitely inferior. Before too long, we were behind, 21-0, as the quadruple reverses and deep passes overwhelmed us. But they had the best girl football player, a quarterback-linebacker named Jan Ann. She had the best arm of any of us, could kick a 24-yard field goal, and intercepted one of my passes. She was awesome. The females on our team were fairly unimpressed with our athletic ability. Our charming center, the captain, instructed us near the end to get some points on long passes and not worry about throwing to girls. But two attempts failed, prompting them to start bitching about how short we were, and therefore how we couldn't do anything. This was a real blow, especially when you can't defend yourself, verbally or physically.

Needless to say, we quit after awhile, though the girls' endurance was admirable. They had even done calisthenics before the game, while we twiddled our thumbs. Meanwhile, Ed Marinaro had scored five times.

I think we're ready. The Dartmouth Daily is coming en masse Saturday for a game that should determine the Ivy Championship. Pine Manor has some superlative football players, but the Big Green has a real powerhouse of a team. If we do get by Dartmouth, though, I think the only team left with a shot at beating us is Endicott.

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