My fellow fans. I come to you this morning with a heavy heart, for a grave crisis is at hand. Sometime between the hours of 10 a.m. Monday and 8 a.m. Tuesday, Captain Crunch was kidnapped from the Quincy House JCR. No trace was left, and as of now, no ransom has been demanded. We have no evidence that he is still alive.
His loss, if he is not found, will not only be the loss of a great prognosticating mind, but of a warm friend. I considered canceling this week's predictions, but decided that the Captain would want me to go through with it. Anyone with information concerning the whereabouts of Captain Crunch, please contact either me or Curtis LeMay.
COLUMBIA-DARTMOUTH: This is not exactly your basic dream game. Columbia is to New York football what John Marchi is to New York politics, and Dartmouth, as we all know, is having a fine season. When Columbia can rustle up only three points against Cornell, just how many can it expect to score against a team which ranks first nationally in defense? The Lions already have a complimentary locker zit-popping kit, and they'll need it. Indians, 38-3.
BROWN-CORNELL: Most experts agree that this contest will not have any major impact on the Ivy League race at this time. For once, the experts may be right. Brown is one of the best teams, including both colleges and prep schools, in Rhode Island, but has had trouble getting untracked. The Big Red got a little sense knocked into it when Columbia lost by only seven points last weekend in Ithaca. It's Fall Weekend, and some are predicting a crowd of 12,000. Cornell lost on Band Day, but not today. My apologies, Bruins, but 24-14.
PENN-YALE: Some of us saw last Saturday what Penn can do. We also saw what it can't do, which is a good deal. Quarterback John Brown expects to realize today his life dream: scoring a touchdown. But the Elis should score more than enough to make up for whatever Penn does in this game, which has all the glamour of the Battle of Kookamonga. Yale may have lost to Dartmouth, but that's excusable, and there isn't much chance that the Elis are feeling cocky after that loss. "Killer Joe" Massey is turning into one of the finest Yale quarterbacks in many a year, so let's give the Elis the proverbial nod, 28-7.
HARVARD-PRINCETON: Princeton has played every pussyfooting team in the league, getting warmed up for big games like today's. This is an excellent place to apply the Bobbysox to Stockings Theory of Transition, as espoused by Professor Francis Avalon. Is Princeton ready for stockings? That is the crucial question here. I think the team is ready, and I think there are some good football players on the Tiger squad. The scoring will come early, and most of it will come from Princeton. Claude Balls couldn't have written a better script for this exciting, but sad, 21-17 Princeton win.
Pray for Captain Crunch.