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The Mail


To the Editors of the CRIMSON:

Viewed from afar by a remote alumnus it seems clear that conditions in Harvard Yard are no joke. This does not mean, however, that humor outside of University Hall must be exclusively bad humor. The following true and false examination, modeled in shadowy fashion after that of the famed Professor Morgan's course in evidence that used to cause chills and fevers to second-year men at Harvard Law School, may serve as a useful purpose in enabling readers of the CRIMSON to calibrate various aspects of the local situation.

True or False:

Admissions to Harvard should be determined by a faculty-student committee.

The committee should have representatives from the group of applicants, since they best understand the problems of a Harvard applicant.

There are no decisions at Harvard that should be made without the action of a faculty-student committee.

Time spent at committee meetings is more rewarding than equal time spent in course work or scholarship.

The same personal gifts that make a man a great scholar and teacher make him a wise administrator and committeeman.

Any fool can do administrative work.

It was an affront to displaced persons to let New York City advance north of 14th street.

The presence of Harvard in Cambridge is to the economic detriment of the city.

Harvard once had waitresses in the house dining halls. This system should be reinstated as a means of providing jobs for unemployed people.

The cost of this action could be obtained by maintaining food prices at present levels while lowering the quality of food sufficiently to cover the wage costs of the program.

A person with a bullhorn powered by flashlight batteries can be heard effectively over a radius of 50 yards.

The comments of a man with a bullhorn are more persuasive than those of a man without one.

The ecology of the facial skin of a man with a beard is, from a bacteriological standpoint, as interesting as that of an Equatorial rain forest.

Years ago Harold J. Laski wrote a book entitled "The Danger of Being a Gentleman." At the present time there is a need for a sequel entitled "The Danger of Being a Mucker."

Under the Common Law, a man who, returning home, finds his wife in the arms of another man, may under the heat of anger murder his wife's paramour and escape punishment.

If this happened in a man's dormitory room at Harvard, the husband would not get off, because he does not own the room.

If this happened at Harvard in a man's dormitory room he would get off because he does own the room.

If this happened at Harvard in a man's dormitory room he would not get off because, although he does own the room, the common law does not apply to Harvard students.

In North Carolina a paramour is a piece of equipment used to cut grass.

The decision as to which Harvard buildings should be removed from university teaching and research use and transformed into low-cost housing units should be made by the members of S.D.S.

The cost of this conversion should be supplied by S.D.S. out of the proceeds of soft drinks and sundries sold at mass meetings.

If any Harvard official refuses the request of any student, said official should be summarily tossed out of his office by superior forces.

The U.S. Army stockpiles some 600,000 different items, produced by thousands of industries throughout the country. These industries are properly referred to as defense-oriented industries.

No defense-oriented industry should be permitted to recruit at Harvard.

No Harvard student should be permitted to accept employment in any defense-oriented industry.

Harvard students should not accept from their parents any funds traceable directly or indirectly to defense-oriented industries.

Harvard students should require their parents to dispose of all investments in defense-oriented industries.

Harvard students from their own personal earnings, not their parents' resources, pay the following portion of their Harvard education costs: ( ) 75 per cent; ( ) 50 per cent; ( ) 25 per cent; ( ) 10 per cent; ( ) zero. (Choose one)

Harvard students should enact and enforce a regulation banning beards and the wearing of soiled clothing. The purpose of this rule would be to provide employment for people in the barbering and laundry trades.

It is very difficult to find a flattering photograph of Nikolai Lenin.

The witch trials of colonial Salem ended when public opinion came to realize that it had been hoodwinked by a small, vociferous minority.

The democracy championed by S.D.S. is one in which every man will be entitled to do exactly what he wishes with his life; and if he refuses, he will be made to. Peregrine White '33

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