Platonic Dialogue?

IN THE WAKE of the Conversative Club's recent hosting of a speaker who called for the quarantining of all gays, in the wake of Sisyphist slogans like "Defense of the Soviet Union Begins in Central America!," "Vietnam was a Victory!!," and "Defend the Deformed Workers' State Against Jewish Dissidents!!!," I have brought myself to make a personal decision which is quite possibly of world-historical import. I can no longer stand idly by and allow my fellow students to suffer under the dastardly delusions spawned by Harvard's most attention-getting speechifiers.

Yellowed and moth-eaten letters in a chest apparently jettisoned into the sea from a cruise liner were recently recovered by an Icelandic toymaker. These letters have been united with a similar collection unearthed last spring by an Arabian goatherd, and the complete set is now in my posession. They prove beyond doubt that the Friends of Sisyphus Youth League, led by senior and presumed Trotskyoid Tom Careen, and the Conversative Club, led by senior and presumed Monarchoid Sy Kahane, have aims far different than these shallow impressions indicate.

FOLLOWING ARE excerpts from the damning documents.

8/27/75

Dear Sy,

Now that school has started again, I remember what fun the two of us used to have at Camp Koonawacha. Not a day goes by in which I don't think of our madcap escapades and humorous romps.

...My fondest congratulations on your appoinment to the Central Committee of the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade's junior division. I'm sure your work at the helm of the movement will be very rewarding for you personally....I of course continue to hold pronounced differences with your political tendencies...but the prospect of your new command nevertheless increases the already deep respect I feel for you as an individual....Go for it.

With warmest regards, Thomas N. Careen

5/11/76

Dear Tom,

I can't tell you how excited I am about your news....I have always admired the John Beech Society for its dedication and idealism, and although I cannot subscribe to more than a piddling few of their tenets, I can't think but that such an organization could provide you with just the sort of Gemeinschaft you've always sought....

Your fellow Koonawachan, Sy

12/4/78

Dear Sy,

As I've been telling you, I fear that my fervent belief in the goals of the Beech Society is no longer matched by enthusiasm for its brutal and unsubtle methodology....I long to compete on the fields of mental battle, far away from the sordid and unhealthy aspects of cross-burning and rock-throwing....What was your PSAT score?

Tom

1/19/1985

Dear Comrade,

...238...

...I fully sympathize with your sentiments of frustration at limitations imposed upon our intellectual capabilities by ignorant and unimaginative leaders....There are other ways, I am sure, to build the vanguard party that will split the armed forces and instigate class war...

S.

12/22/81

Sy,

I have by now lost all patience for your Communist propaganda, though we are alike in our strategic conceptualizations....I got into Harvard Early Action....new methods...fight for unity and strength through the quelling of dissent and deviant thought such as yours.

In fact, it is your rabid talk of overthrow that has given me the germ of an idea of how to fight your empire of evil...after all these years of hearing you blabber, I can exaggerate your comic-book Marxism to the point where it does nothing but damage to your cause.

Tom

4/20/82

Tom,

...I just heard from the admissions office, and it looks like I'll be joining you at Harvard this fall. Finally, after all this time since we were campers together, we will fight face to face as true and spirited enemies...you reactionary dog...

I have reflected on your idea of brilliance. By becoming an obscene warped but unique and genuine caricature of the left, I expect you will be able to swing a few more centrists to your crude rightist sect...socialists, too, will run to the center or even further in the shadow of your pseudo-Stalinism...

I confess I am at a loss for a collegiate tack of equal scope and vision....I hope that, in view of our long-standing friendship despite disagreement, you will not be offended by my imitation. It is, after all, a kind of tribute...

...My aim of communist revolution will be furthered throughout my Harvard years, and perhaps after, through the medium of spectacular excesses in Rightist rhetoric....Conservatives everywhere will want to extract themselves from my claims in their name, and they will be unable...

We will be veritable Samsons, bringing the houses of our respective enemies crashing down about us...

Yours Very Truly, Sy Kahane '86