Joy in Beantown

T HE outlook wasn't brilliant for Dewitt that autumn day; The Sox had lost in four to those prepotent Oakland

THE outlook wasn't brilliant for Dewitt that autumn day;

The Sox had lost in four to those prepotent Oakland A's.

With Hurst gone for the winter, and the Gator out of sight,

Dewitt was forced to find a way to spend the lonesome night.

"I need a chick," Dewitt thought. "And I mean right now--today!

Or else (to quote Lamarck), I soon may atrophy away."

This thought so disturbed Dewitt, he soon devised a scheme,

A sure-fire, fail-safe means to land the woman of his dream.

"After all, I live in Boston, the babe capital of the East,

And so," Dewitt did reason, "I at least deserve a piece."

Dewitt thus bathed and preened himself, until his hair was neat;

No noisome scent would keep him from the ladies he would meet.

Dewitt set off to Copley Place to scan its high-priced stores

For a companion who, when pressed, would moan "Encore, encore!"

But sad to say Dewitt did not to his mission stick,

For he instead resolved to see a friendly baseball flick.

Bull Durham, as the film is called, talks of the Minor leagues,

And features Sue Sarandon, who can vamp like Cheryl Tiegs.

But it seems that Kevin Costner, aging veteran of the game,

Is not about to fall for this type of hysteric dame.

But fear not! Love does triumph, and the two are thus connected

(Or is it lust? Well, we don't care, so long as they're protected.)

The film itself is cute and fun, though somewhat overrated;

To call it a great ball film would be grossly overstated.

So Dewitt was still at Copley Place, with no one by his side,

No one to put his arm around, and in her ear confide.

But Dewitt did not mope, for he resolved to break that habit,

And chose instead to smile and see Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Dewitt found that the animation took his breath away;

The concept it was clever, the execution A-OK.

Uplifted thus, Dewitt arose, to stalk again the kill;

He thought that the lady of his dreams might be at Beacon Hill.

No such luck did Dewitt have, while pacing like a cougar,

For he was drawn to see instead his old pal, Freddy Krueger.

Though Nightmare on Elm Street 4 is as sanguine as the rest,

The one-liners that keep flying sure make this chapter the best.

But Dewitt soon turned to his task, and sought a woman, mystic.

"If babes don't like macabre," he thought, "I'll have to try artistic."

So off to the Nickelodeon our fearless hero schlepped;

"I have to get there soon," he said. "Those chicks, they can't be kept."

Once there, Dewitt sat down and saw Married to the Mob;

Jon Demme directs the picture and does a skillful job.

Michelle Pfeiffer is the star, the movie she does own,

Her acting, it is wonderful, into a star she's grown.

Dewitt truly enjoyed the film, and grinned as he departed.

Enjoying how the bad guys were all in the end outsmarted.

Yes, gangster flicks Dewitt did like, as he would oft recall,

And the best ones he had ever seen starred Bogart and Bacall.

Although the plot confused the leads, the writer and director,

For classic film noir, The Big Sleep has no clear-cut better.

Dewitt thus went to Mather House to see this cherished reel,

And try to find a girl with whom he could share his zeal.

O! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,

But there is no joy in Cambridge, because Dewitt...

...had a monopoly on it. That's right, Dewitt went to see the movie, and as he was walking, he met this really nice, attractive, intelligent woman who took a liking for him immediately, who admired his rugged individualism, his rapier wit, and his physical prowess. He admired her good taste. They talked, long into the night...

No, just kidding. But I do think that we had a moment there.