The Next Best Thing to Bartlett's

Over the last two years, many people have asked me about Harvard squash player George Polsky and his quotes. They usually remark, "He is so funny, or "His quotes are great." Yesterday, I decided to test the Great one. How would he respond under pressure? Would he be just as funny? Well, I'll let you decide.

How do you come up with your quotes?

Polsky: "It all starts in the sensory deprivation tank between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. while the rest of Harvard sleeps. I climb into the tank and fall into an extremely high energy trance. While in the trance I draw upon every energy source in the universe."

But why do some of your quotes deal with nature?

Polsky: "You see Mike, nature is a dictionary, as it were, and the closer I unite myself with it, the more eloquent I become. The words flow to me like the Tagus River flows to the Atlantic. The rest is best left unsaid. In a nutshell, quoting at this level is a very dangerous task and should be performed by a professional."

Is is true that you call your brother Jack for some quotes?

Polsky: "Jack and I work on a higher level where we are both one with each other and the cosmos. In a nutshell, where we converse they don't use telephones."

Who is your favorite quote figure?

Polsky: "When you're talking about quotes you've got to mention Lenny Falape, the little known muse of Western Samoa. I remember when I was a kid I would sit on the porch and talk for hours on end with Dr. Falape, studying his every utterance. This, of course, was before he won the Nobel Peace Prize. In a nutshell, he truly transcends language."

Are you considering going professional?

Polsky: "Well, there's clearly good money to be had. Five years ago, I would have considered it, but these days the professional quoting tour is just too darn political. They've already threatened to revoke my Western Samoan dual citizenship."

Has an opposing player threatened you because of your quotes?

Polsky: "I've had a couple of brushes with death but nothing that a professional quotester can't handle. I remember one time I was giving a lecture in the Tarrin basin, a region in Western China, when all of a sudden I sensed the presence of a negative energy flow. Sure enough, it was one those Yalies. And let's just say, my bulldog hide jacket sure takes the bite out of winter."

How do you rate yourself in comparison to teammate Jim Masland?

Polsky: "I liken our quoting abilities to the relative arborous abilities of the lemur and the dromedary. If it ever came down to a contest of branch swinging, the dromedary would soon find itself succumbing to gravity. Jim has a real talent but he must learn how to channel his energy."

Do you consider yourself the best quoter on the team?

Polsky: "When you ask that question you must ask, "Do wolves regurgitate their food for their young, or does a rabbit eat its own droppings? The answer to the question is a reluctant, but unequivocal, yes."

Do you think about quotes during a match?

Polsky: "Just like all things in the world, Mike, my quotes have their time and place. One can't afford to be distracted by a Chaucer limerick or by a Byron verse when match point comes around. In a nutshell, Mike, let's leave those quotes for the tank."

Who is the real George Polsky?

Polsky: "Really, Mike, I'm your average guy who likes to experiment with words. Winning the Pulitizer Prize hasn't really changed who I am. Drop shots and Carmen and a stanza that sings, these are a few of my favorite things."

What about the steroid rumors?

Polsky: "Of course, as in all professional sports, there's a growing demand for getting ahead. In the North American tour, all of the quoters are using steroids. But I figure why mess with a good thing. Does Superman need to lift weights? Does Ronald McDonald need to come up with a new formula for the hamburger? As you can clearly see, there's been no reason to tamper with a gift I've been given."

What do you think about your teammates?

Polsky: "My teammates are a great bunch of guys. There's been no sign of bitterness with my growing success as a quoter. Actually, they're kind of my groupies as it were, and there hasn't been a day when at least one of the players hasn't come to practice with a tape recorder or a pad and pencil in hand begging for a sentence or two.

What about Coach Fish?

Polsky: "Fish, on the other hand, has been as much as a guiding light to me as Richie Rich is to Pee Wee and freckles. At first, quoting was just a hobby. But it was really Dave who encouraged me to take it to a higher level. Actually, he paid out of his own pocket for more than half of my think tank. In a nutshell, thanks Dave."

What about your large following of fans?

Polsky: "When the first letters arrived I chalked it up as beginners luck. But when Mr. Gorbachev called to ask for a few of my words on President Bush's recent lectures, I knew I had something special. The recent success has taken me aghast and the fan mail has been darn overwhelming. Work for a new mini-series starts in May and I really couldn't be more excited. Most great thinkers are only recognized posthumously. But just like a pebble dropped into a pond, my words have spread out in ever increasing concentric circles to touch all intelligent life in the universe. In a nutshell, it's not easy being George Polsky, but I do my darn best."