News

Annual Report Finds Harvard Kennedy School Faculty Remains Largely White, Male

News

Harvard Square Celebrates Oktoberfest

News

Harvard Corporation Members Donated Big to Democrats in 2020 Elections

News

City Council Candidates Propose Strategies for Supporting Low-Income Residents at Virtual Forum

News

FAS Dean Gay Hopes to Update Affiliates on Ethnic Studies Search by Semester’s End

Stop the Vegicide

THE TREE FALLS:

NO WRITER ATTRIBUTED

THE Crimson may have made a few mistakes in its time. And it's true, the paper may not arrive on time every single morning. But unlike members of the Harvard Lampoon, we've never stooped to murder. More precisely, Lampoon members have committed a brutal act of vegicide, with premeditation and malice aforethought.

Harvard lore has it that the tree that once stood in front of the Lampoon's Bow St. "castle" was planted 25 years ago by former Cambridge Mayor Alfred E. Velluci in an act of revenge against the Lampy's high-jinks.

Since then, Lampy members have strained their puny intellects thinking of ways to get rid of the sturdy trunk and graceful branches that obscured the building's view of Elsie's. Compers were asked to invent unique techniques for destroying nature's beauty. Lampoon officers made an annual tradition of asking the city arborist to remove the tree.

This year, the 'Poonsters took matters into their own hands. Jack Nicholson-like, they wielded fierce axes and began their cruel torture of the tree. In their criminal adrenaline frenzy, they inflicted cuts up to six inches deep. As sap slowly seeped from the defenseless victim, the 'Poonsters celebrated their vicious and cowardly victory.

According to City Arborist Jack R. Kelley, "Those nice little gentlemen at the Lampoon took it upon themselves to put an axe to that tree." Yet despite incontrovertible evidence, Dean of the College Archie C. Epps III said, "some persons--we do not know if they were members of the Lampoon--attacked the tree...in effect killing the tree."

Epps' ignorance of the Lampoon's butchery cannot be inadvertant. We demand a full investigation into the death of the tree and disciplinary action against those responsible. If Epps' self-described "vigorous efforts" cannot expose the obvious perpetrators, an independent investigator should be appointed immediately. And if the investigator concludes the Lampoon is responsible, the entire executive board of the Lampoon should resign in disgrace.

Rumor has it that the Lampoon's thirst for destruction will continue long after the tree is gone. College administrators who turn the other way will regret not nipping vegicide at the bud. The 'Poonsters must be stopped.

Until then: Yard flora, beware.

Want to keep up with breaking news? Subscribe to our email newsletter.

Tags