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DART BOARD

A summary of new, what's news, and what's just darn funny.

By Benjamin J. Heller

REVENGE OF THE NON-NERDS

The backlash is under way. After two academic years of ascendant Powerbook hegemony this grey electronic fashion accessory has provoked some stiff opposition.

Much like its technological predecessor the automobile he Power book with its Beeps and doings elecited nothing but oohs and aahs while it was new and rare.

But as Apple's stock soared, once-faint key-clicks crescendoed into a deafening tumult in libraries into a deafening tumult in libraries and classes. And the odd set of typed notes mushroomed to 900 megabytes of European Intellectual History transcriptions collected by eager Donald Fleming disciples.

Once objects of unmitigated envy laptop users are scorned their stooped shoulders and LED- tinted scowls deemed opprobrious.

A movement is afoot to restrict Powerbook use. Some classes have set up segregated Powerbook sections. So far no Combination Rosa Parks/Steve Wozniak has refused to go to the back of the lecture hall.

Lamont Library has set up restricted areas for Powerbook use. Right on, some say! maybe Lamont can isolate the use of light bulbs to the lower floors. The buzz of those fluorescents irritates some people, who might prefer to use candles and sunlight. And why not do away with printed books where possible?

That Gutenberg contraption has done nothing but cause eyestrain. Why not banish all these from Lamont entirely-and rechristen it: Luddite Library.

ESCAPE FROM LAMONT!

When it comes to bag searching, Lamont Library big-wigs are anything but Luddites. Patrons must pass through electronic surveillance and then a hand search making leaving the undergraduate library only slightly more convenient than boarding and El Al flight while carrying a copy of the Koran.

Like at the airport this can often lead to substantial lines. Lamont officials have put up signs warning of delays and encouraging use of an alternate exit. The lines persist. Harvard may boast of its vast library holdings, but no one can deny that bibliophiles are queuing up to get out, not to get in.

The queue stretched so far back one day last week that two Russian babushkas could be spotted alongside thee stream of section refugees reasoning that some valuable commodity must be distributed at the end. Rumor has it that if you hand the checker five kopecks he'll stick a loaf of bread in your "A Wet Book Is Not A Dead Duck" big.

Patrons at the back of the line can stamp their feet and fidget all they want, but that won't faze the St.-Peter-on-duty. Leaving Lamont for the yard straight is the gate and narrow is the way.

THE (UN)ETHICAL COUNCILLOR

The numbers are in: crime is up in Cambridge. We at Dartboard might be upset, if we already didn't have to worry about the sloppy streets awful wealth and invasion of vagrants

Considering the tribulations of Cambridge life, a good mugging might even be refreshing.

In any case we shouldn't be surprised that brigandage is on the rise, when we consider that exactly 1/7 of the Gorkom (or Politburo, or Central Committee-City Council seems such an inaccurate description of a body that systematically appropriates privately owned housing stock); that 1/7 which actually constitutes far more that 1/7 of the seniority, mass and volume o the Council, is none other than William Walsh.

Walsh is accused of attempting to defraud a bank to fund a condominium development deal. But the alleged misdeeds had none of the elegance and cleverness of Tamany Hall or the Chicago Machine; alas, even subterfuge is in Cambridge, well second rate.

Walsh was reportedly out to bilk a savings bank for many years ran a television commercial featuring animated characters from the Wizard of Oz as spokespersons.

Evidently, the prodigious wits at "The Dime," were too clever for Walsh.

If he is found guilty, We have an appropriate punishment for him: a semester of Visiting Professor of business Administration Marc J. Epstein's ethics course at the Business School, where undoubtedly he'll learn the first rule of "Business Ethics"-that is, don't get caught.

NEW SPEAK

"I don't know what's to be embarrassed about. Lots of people contribute to the party."

Democratic National Committee spokesperson Catherine Moore, upon learning that Aldrich Hazen Ames, the C.I.A. operative accused of being a top level spy for Russia, contributed a total of $5,000 to the Democratic party in 1990 and 1991.

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