CONTRACT WITH HARVARD

Welcome back to Harvard--we think you'll find that a few changes have taken place at the behest of the nation's new government. We at Dartboard are not amused.

First of all, each class in the new semester will begin with a prayer that will end with the words "for God, for country and for Harvard." Next, each dormitory will meet in the morning to sing "Happy Saint's Day" to appropriate students on appropriate days. Sundays will bring the whole College together in the newly remodelled Memorial Church (now with seating for 6,500). And of course, we have a few new distributional requirement in the Core: Christian Values A, B and C.

In addition, the financial aid system has undergone considerable change. The administration has cut 50 percent of aid allotments in order to trim Harvard's deficit. To quell the growing problem of welfare king-students and queen-students, all students receiving aid will have to take full-time jobs to justify their subsidies. Sadly, work-study jobs now belong to the past. To best stabilize Harvard's floundering economic condition, applications can no longer be need-blind.

Of course, there are some winners in the new structure. Middle-class students will receive a tuition cut, and investments made with Harvard Management Company's new securities division will be completely exempt from capital gains taxes. The rooming lottery and dining halls have reverted to a market system, so that wealthy students can receive the comforts and services they deserve.

These and other innovations come to us through the recently signed "Contract With Harvard." Evidently, Newt Gingrich's goons got to acting President Carnesale before anyone in Massachusetts Hall could say "Save us, Rudy!"