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O, TO BE SCUM!

A summary of views, commentary and sometimes comedy.

By Joshua A. Kaufman

What joys are missed by he who knows not the initiation of the final clubs. For the pleasure of prostration cannot be underestimated, especially when it entails sycophantic humiliation and self-degradation. Listen, student, to the life which can be yours for the small cost of your dignity and individuality.

Were you not studying physics at Lamont last Monday evening, you could have been jostling with other naked men in underwear-only sumo wrestling at the Owl. How it would have released you to satisfy your repressed homoerotic fantasies as well as those of your brethren. Oh, to be naked scum on a Monday evening!

Had you skipped Foreign Cultures lecture on Tuesday morning, you might have reduced yourself to a mock drag queen as you strut yourself across Widener's hallowed steps. How hypocritical you'd have felt as a sexist male affecting a fine female style. Oh, to be scum in drag on a Tuesday morning!

If it wasn't for that damn Czech class you signed up for on Tuesday afternoon, you might have been privy to the winter beach in Sever Quad. How free it would have felt to don a houndstooth check bikini in winter and beg disgusted onlookers to rub sun tan lotion on your back. Oh, to be scum in Harvard Yard on a Tuesday afternoon!

You could have been a boy toy, if you didn't consider yourself a man. Stupid you, thinking yourself so mature, don't want to be made a fool of. You don't desire the condescension of those whom you admire. Think not only of all they learn during the initiation process, but later as full members of the final clubs. Silly men, you're missing all the fun had by these boys!

Drinking nightly, for example, is a boon to your interpersonal relationship skills. Not only will this hobby shine on your resume, but it will ensure you success with women. And guess what? Sex is on your terms. In your house. She comes in the side door and exits at your whim. And she isn't even a Cliffie!

The sporting life is another element of final club life which you might be missing. Playing beer pong should be an essential part of every student's life, and you're missing it. How exhilarating to be absolutely trashed while doing the great cardiovascular work of directing with your paddle a rounded white projectile into your opponent's plastic cup filled with cheap beer.

So scold yourself, man! And go forth next semester into the worthwhile world of which you have up to now been deprived. Vomitas!

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