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Dirty Dining

Norma Knows


Now that my last add/drop form has been handed in to my senior tutor, I can get on with the normalcy of my semester. After a few groovy parties, several B- papers and some (far-fetched) job applications, I feel like I've hit my stride. Ah, there's nothing like February at Harvard! I'm so busy being busy that I've almost forgotten that my love life (drunken sexual notwithstanding) has begun to resemble Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle: depressing, slurred and capable of driving one to smoke and drink...a lot. Where is my knight in shining armor? Maybe he's in the shower.

Dear Norma,

One night at dinner, in a virtually empty Dunster, I was visited by a vision of loveliness--"Sandra." I guess she had no one to sit with, needed company and I looked harmless. I've had a crush on her for months, and I've been trying to get her to talk to me for what seems like an eternity. And now she was having dinner with me! I was so excited. But for some reason the dinner didn't go that well and she hasn't spoken to me since. Now I realize why.

As you may know, Dunster was without hot water for some time and many house residents spent those few days unwashed. I did not shower for most of last week. The night of my fateful dinner with Sandra, I must have smelled like rancid red clam sauce. I'm mortified!

What can I do to prove that I'm a clean person and worthy of her love? (No longer) Dirty in Dunster

Dear Dirty.

I feel for you, I really do. Besides the fact that without a bath in three or four days and you probably looked like a drowned rat, you most likely smelled like one too. All I can think is, "Gross!" And that's probably what "Sandra" thought too, I'm sorry to say.

I think the best way to win Sandra's love is to prove how amazingly clean you are now that Dunster has hot water. Whenever you have a chance and Sandra is within ear shot, be sure to mention showers, soap, shampoo, deoderant, Tide...whatever. Make sure you're always well groomed and smell like a Spring breeze. You could also get your friends to spread rumors about how obsessively clean you are, and how upset you had been when you couldn't bathe.

If none of this works, don't fret! If she chooses her men by how they smell and nothing else, the girl ain't worth it!

Dear Norma,

I had the greatest time ever at Levertt's Anti-Valentine's Day Dance. It was soooo much fun! They had funky music, rad people, and neato-mosquito posted personal ads. How do they do it, Norma?   Elated in Eliot

Deal Elated,

Four words: Leverett's the shit, man.

Dear Norma,

My mom just recently called and told me she was coming for Junior Parents Weekend. This would be great if it weren't for the fact that she's coming two days early so she can attend all my pre-med classes. I dropped my Bio concentration for Folk and Myth first semester sophomore year and haven't told her yet. I can't very well go to the chem or physics classes that I told her I was taking: I have no clue what's going on in them! And I certainly can't tell her the truth. She'd freak if she knew I've been taking classes with titles like "Eddic Mythology" and "Ritual and Metaphor in Greek Songs of the Life Cycle." She's wanted me to be a doctor forever, Norma. She sent me to pre-med camp when I was in second grade! What am I going to do?   Crazed in Cabot

Dear Crazed,

This is your life and you should do what you want to do with it. I guess you could audit a bunch of Bio classes and take her to them when she arrives, pretending like you have a clue. However, that's pretty dishonest, not to mention a waste of time, Tell her. If your mother loves you, she will understand. if she doesn't, explain to her all the useful things you can do with Folk and Myth (like academia or running Columbia Pictures like Folk and Myth grad Lisa Henson) and how you just weren't cut out for medicine. Be honest. Lying will only make you more upset.

Write to:

Norma Knows

14 Plympton St.

Cambridge MA 02138

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