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The History of Harvard's Commencement, Explained

groovy train

NO WRITER ATTRIBUTED

[The Groovy Train 101. Shopping Pains]

An examination of the angst and irritation inherent to this difficult time of life. Metaphysical questions about the nature of scheduling, time's passage and the origin of the universe. Questions to be explored: Are you really going to get up in time for an 8:30 class? Will you go to a lecture on Friday if it's your only class that day? Will you make it from William James to Boylston? A satisfactory answer will not be provided.

Prerequisite. There aren't any. You're always qualified to be confused.

Half course (to be repeated every single semester) Wed.-Wed., 8-6. (XIX)

It's a bit late for our shopping period advice, but we hope you'll keep these few words of hard-earned experience in mind next year.

After Day 1, scrap your carefully drafted and jam-packed shopping list. Don't set goals you can't meet--you have the rest of the semester to do that. Instead, go have coffee with the long-lost friends you haven't seen since last shopping period.

If you can't find an interesting fourth course, just follow attractive people to their classes and base your decision to enroll on how well your chat-up lines work. Try, "Would you mind showing me your Derrida?" for lit majors. They've got fabulous senses of humour.

Contrary to what the Confi-Guide says, counting the number of dirty white baseball caps is not necessarily an effective measure of a gut. The quantity of plaid shirts should also be taken into account.

Rather than emphasizing rules as a way to guarantee your place in a class (i.e. "Will the number of undergraduates be limited?" or "Do Seniors get preference? WE should!!"), try a little foot work. Harvard professors and administrators appreciate being pestered one on one. It reminds them that you exist.

Kiss up to professors, even if you have no intention of taking their class. You never know who your thesisreaders will be.

It you're looking for a high percentage ofgoatees and prole fashion , try the creativewriting meeting. If you think you might like towrite papers about why there's a high percentageof goatees and prole fashion at the creativewriting meeting, shop Marge Garber's Intro toCultural Studies class. (In both cases, mind thecigarette butts as you exit the lecture hall)

Scrupulously avoid anyone who claims that theyare taking Ec10 "just for kicks."

Convince yourself that you really didn't wantto take that bracketed class now, anyway. Ifyou're a senior, any class scheduled to be offerednext year is not worth taking. A professor onleave can't be that smart.

Don't even think of taking those class withyoung, beautiful professors. We don't care ifthey're single--you'll be too distracted to work.

Plan ahead. Choose classes which you won't mindmissing on sunny days. If you don't want to behere into June, avoid classes with certain timeslots, such as MWF 11.

A fewadventurous souls began their shoppingwith a few drinks. And then a few more. Werecommend at least one moment of sobriety beforestudy cards are due--otherwise, you may find thatyou tipsily decided that just the pronunciation ofq-deformed Knizhnik-Zamolodchikov equations was soamusing that you actually enrolled in the class.

Enjoy your sleep now. You'll probably fallbehind, and there's no rest for the wicked

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