Intoxicating Games

Alcohol and Sport have always shared a close relationship. Since the first grapes were crushed and left to ferment, wine and subsequently beer and hard alcohol have been associated with merry-making and festivals in all regions of the world.

At Harvard, this traditional association of inebriation and gaming continues, although monitored and checked to some degree by College drinking policy.

Although less than half of the students at Harvard compete on varsity teams, the great majority of students are nevertheless student-athletes...on the weekends, at least.

Our games usually commence on Friday night--for the staunchest participants on Thursday--and often persist into the wee hours of Sunday morning.

The games provide a stern test of skill (and tolerance) in a wide range of events. Hand-eye coordination, upper body strength and mental toughness are all challenged at some point during the weekend.

One event that involves all of these skills and more is what I shall call the "Drinker's Decathlon"--a tougher, more grueling sport there never was.

Described below are the 10 events which comprise this Dionysian diversion:

1) Pool. A classic collegiate game, pool is almost preliminary, warm-up event to the heart of the competition. Generally, hand-eye coordination is still intact, which means that players of high skill and low tolerance manage to perform fairly well.

When pool is played as one of the final events in the decathlon, however, the game degenerates into a game of random chance, which usually ends with the sinking of the cue ball on the third or fourth shot.

2) Darts. If there is a game that must be played early in the decathlon, darts is it.

Because of the sharp nature of the darts, this game becomes increasingly dangerous as the evening progresses and more and more beer is consumed. Still, if played well, darts can be one of the decathlon's most enjoyable and competitive games.

3) "Asshole." A card game which combines chance, aggression and a social hierarchy representative of modern America, "Asshole" provides a barroom demonstration of how a simple asshole can one day become President.

The game also reflects the current "rich-get-richer" trend in the American economy; the asshole and vice-asshole (read, "the lower and working classes") are stripped of their most prized possessions by the president and vice-president (read "white upperclass America").

Still, even in the face of great adversity, social advancement is possible. In conclusion, then, the American Dream--if feared dead in sober society--lives on and thrives if only in a drinking game.

4) Beer Pong. Another time-honored activity enjoyed by students all over the world, beer pong combines the joys of regulation ping pong with the malice of "Asshole." The game, which awards one point for hitting the cup of beer and three points for landing the ball in it, can be played in either a singles or doubles format and is usually won with a total of five points.

However, in the instance that a player or team has seven consecutive points scored on them, the player(s) must adhere to the "Sack" rule, a rather crass rule which my editors deem unprintable.

Be creative--you'll probably figure it out.

Author's Note: At this point in the decathlon, you should be feeling the effects of the beer you've been drinking for the past few hours...if not, drink more.

5) Rugby. The world's most brutal game, you've gotta be drunk to play. And even then it's still tough.

6) Gymnastics (keg stands). The gymnastics event--the keg stand--requires the assistance of "teammates" to hold you in a hand-stand position, while you drink directly from the keg.

The muscles in the esophagus and throat needed for swallowing are extremely important, as weak muscles may lead to choking or vomiting.

The keg stand is one of the decathlon's most difficult events; a mastery of this component and you are well on your way to becoming a world-class Drinking Decathlete.

7) Boat Races. One of the few team events in the decathlon, boat races test drinking speed and reaction time.

Like crew, boat races tend to be most exciting and most competitive in the heavyweight eights division.

And also like crew, men who attended prep school tend to be far superior than those who have been publicly-schooled.

8) Boxing. Occasionally, usually congenial decathletes may become hostile.

Ever notice how with each beer the smallest, skinniest kids magically are transformed into Gold Gloves-champion boxers?

9) Group Singing. Not really a sport, but a helluva lot of fun anyway. "To the Grille, to the Grille, to the Grille...."

10) Carrying the drunk guy home. The final event in the Drinker's Decathlon, this challenging assignment goes to the proverbial "last man standing."

Herein lies the brotherhood that binds all decathletes. If a comrade has fallen (or passed out) during the competition, it become the obligation of his fellow athlete to pick him up and drag him home (or to UHS, whichever is appropriate).

There are other games, of course, which are equally enjoyable, but none which provide the challenge and comraderie in such an array of categories.

Editors Note: Ethan G. Drogin, Sports Editor of The Harvard Crimson, is a minor. His relation of these events is based completely on heresy. The Crimson absolves itself of any responsibility regarding the games described above.