The New Gen Ed Lottery System, Explained
Armed Individuals Sighted in Harvard Square Arraigned
Harvard Students Form Coalition Supporting Slave Photo Lawsuit's Demands
Police Apprehend Armed Man and Woman in Central Square
107 Faculty Called for Review of Tenure Procedures in Letter to Dean Gay
We at Dartboard would like to commend the University Housing Office for their professional handling of the First-Year lottery results. As anxious residents of Thayer Hall waited patiently for word of their randomized fate, a considerate Housing Officer, charged with hand-delivering the envelopes containing the lottery results, saw fit to instead deposit them in a lovely pile in front of the dorm elevator. There the abandoned envelopes sat as the morning wore on and as rising anticipation ate away at the souls of dorm inhabitants.
Then, a hero rose from amongst the tortured masses. George Economou 100, an always enterprising young lad, ventured from the attic of Thayer's 5th floor to investigate the conspicuous absence of his housing verdict. Arriving on the 1st floor, he noticed the pile of mysterious envelopes and watched as an innocent custodian moved to dispose of them. Boldly intervening, George snatched the envelopes back from the brink of oblivion and confirmed that they were, in fact, the much awaited housing results. A lesser man would have simply removed his own envelope. George is not a lesser man. He removed all those belonging to 5th floor residents and delivered them, door-to-door. We at Dartboard applaud George and suggest to the Housing Office that he be financially compensated for his efforts.
We at Dartboard also applaud the Housing Officer who made the initial haphazard delivery. It is rare that we are granted the opportunity to witness such pure, unadulterated incompetence. We wonder, what the hell was he thinking? Maybe he felt that his instructions to actually deliver the envelopes were misguided. So, he exercised some independent thought and decided to toss them on the ground like trash. Bravo. We at Dartboard encourage the University to promote this creative thinker.
Want to keep up with breaking news? Subscribe to our email newsletter.