The Horror The Horror: Nightmares From Parents' Weekend

Prepare to squirm. Junior Parents' Weekend is upon us, and no matter how angelic parents may seem on their own turf, on-campus kin are unruly and unpredictable. They harrass timid waiters. They provoke professors. They discover alter egos.

Hopes for mature relationships collapse sooner than mom finds beer cans under the bed. Parents' day was almost delightful for Rebecca U. Weiner '99. "My parents are perfect and they have never done anything embarrassing at all. Of course, [my boyfriend] and my parents went to dinner with his parents and his dad interrogated the waitress for 15 minutes about the wine. And then on his birthday, his mom passed out at the table in the middle of her sentence telling my mom about estrogen replacement therapy because she is Korean and allergic to alcohol in large quantities and had had too much champagne and we all tried to pretend that nothing had happened even though she was lying passed out on the table. Then she revived and it was like nothing had happened."

Drunken parents are certainly a problem, but one senior was prepared to show his parents a good time at the local bar. "Last year," according to Jeffrey P. Yarbro `99, "I went out a lot so I decided to take my parents to the Grille on Parents' Day--which is a little questionable. We sat down and the waitress goes up to me and says `I know you're having a Jack & Coke, but what are they having?' My mother just looked at me. I think she expected it."

It's easy to take responsibility for personal foibles, but when parents interject themselves into your life, all control is lost. Parents let loose in the classroom makes for grim ego destruction. Two former Crimson executives tell all. Drake P. Bennett `99 was mortified as his "dad came to one of my lectures and then he asked the professor a question! It was, like, soooo embarrassing!!!" Poor T.J. Keheller `99, seemingly had a similar reaction to his parental interactions. "Sadly enough, approximately the same thing happened to me. My dad was actually charmed by Dean of the College Harry Lewis, and, although Drake is probably joking, I am not."

Stay calm. Take solace in numbers. There are 1,684 of you.