Fifteen Minutes: Gossip Guy!
Gossip Guy has returned after a brief hiatus. Rested, relaxed, and ready, a fresh resolve glows once again in his heart, and a burning desire for Arthur Kingsley Porter University Professor Helen Vendler sets his loins alight once more. So without further ado, please help yourself to a steaming pile of wicked lies, hurtful rumors and tasty innuendo.
...noted Harvard grad and player extraordinaire Johan Bala '99 has had a change of lifestyle. Word on the L.A. streets is that Mr. Bala now takes his swings on the other side of the plate...Senior Douglas M. Henderson '00 has also had a change of heart. The Leverett House resident has decided to go monogamous. "I'm currently involved in several monogamous relationships," explained Douglas...Jenny P. Silver '02 is such a tease. "It's like there's a party in her pants and everyone's invited," laments would-be suitor Richard F. Flaherty '00, "but when you get there, you find out it's BYOB"...Crimson second-string linebacker Jackson Ellis '02 is lactose-intolerant. "I get 5 glasses of milk at every meal anyway," said Jack...members of the Harvard Lampoon have declared their latest issue the funniest issue ever. "Once we figured out how to use exclamation points to our comic advantage, things really got rolling. Example: I just took a shit. IN MY PANTS, that is!!!" explained an anonymous Lampoon writer. "Human excrement also goes over real big around here." Plans to refocus the Lampoon towards a crossword-only format are already underway...Andrea Rabinowitz '01 has found a real community in the pfoho-open mailing list. "I love these people like a family," she gushed, "I've even arranged to meet some of them in person."...Jason P. Welch '01 has a great view of senior siren Rene I. Phillips' 6th floor window in Leverett Towers. Armed with $400 binoculars, Jason was upset to find Ms. Phillips wiling away her time updating her World Wide Web home page. "I just posted my resume, and some essays I wrote about Constitutional Law," said Rene, "And I updated my archive of dirty self-portraits"...Weld resident Jimmy D. Marshall '03 (sorry, '02) has decided to take advanced standing. "AB Calculus really kicked my ass, but boy will it be worth it," exclaimed Jimmy...Transfer Saranjit Shah '02 just loves shopping period...First-year prankster Ian T. Williamston '03 was one-upped by his disgruntled Primal Scream victims. Streakers who slipped on the section of the path where Mr. Williamston had poured water before Primal Scream banded together and beat him with bars of soap, a la Full Metal Jacket. "I didn't think it was funny to see Ian get hurt, but the overall effect was funny. Also, him getting hurt turned out to be pretty funny after all." said Margaret C. Lee '03...Jill Hill '00 caused quite a stir in the Winthrop dining hall Wednesday morning. The ninth-semester senior came to breakfast clad in warm-up pants and flip-flops. Identically-garbed Denise P. Laffer '01 was totally embarrassed...after extensive consultation with Dr. Hu of Atlantic Community Clinics, Gossip Guy was disappointed to learn that chronic masturbation is not an actual affliction. Nevertheless, he will continue to use this term to describe people like Samantha L. Watson '02...Freshman Alexander T. Schmidt '03 has been playing his MP3 of "Mambo #5" for sixteen days straight. Roommate Bobby M. Braithwaite '03 has divided their Holworthy double in half using duct tape and guards his side vigilently with a baseball bat...Kelly Rodriguez '02 and Samuel F. Nixon '01 made eye contact during section yesterday. Could it be love? "Nope," confides Professor of Neurobiology Steven S. Cooper. "Samuel has a debilitating neurological disorder."
AND A VIRGIN UPDATE:
Jesse K. Salamander '03 and Joseph B. King '01 finally consummated a beautiful three-year relationship. "Have you ever heard the saying 'let's get drunk and screw?'" asked Jesse. "It was sort of like that."