Dershowitz Defends Villain at Purim Festivities

Last night, Frankfurter Professor of Law Alan M. Dershowitz defended a man with a reputation so heinous that a hung jury was his best hope.

To mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Purim, Harvard Hillel staged a mock trial of Haman, the sixth century royal advisor who would have committed genocide against the Jews had not the beautiful Esther convinced the king to spare her people, according to Jewish tradition.

The main dining hall of Hillel was packed with a festive crowd. A few wore costumes—a traditional part of the Purim celebration—including one who dressed as a Hebrew National hot dog.

Dershowitz said his costume was his lawyer’s outfit—a bill of rights tie and a shark vest.

But for all the seriousness of the charges, the mood was humorous. When it was time for Dershowitz to submit his brief, he held up a pair of white boxers from the Gap.

The prosecutor, Wolfson Professor of Jewish Studies Jay M. Harris had popular opinion on his side, as mere mention of the defendant’s name caused the audience to jeer. Harris defined Haman’s crime as “aiding and abetting” the fun that is associated with the holiday.

“All I know about prosecuting comes from television,” Harris said. He then submitted “exhibit A”, a document where Haman admitted his intention to exterminate the Jews.

Dershowitz then requested a change of venue, citing the audience’s vocal dislike of his client.

“Haman’s actions were genetically determined,” Dershowitz said. He said Haman’s parents were the likely root of his evil tendencies.

Dershowitz’s also raised a counter-suit of copyright infringement, arguing Hamentaschen—the cookies traditionally eaten on Purim—stole their design from Haman’s hat.

“Genocide? It was self-defense,” Dershowitz said, citing a passage in Exodus. He then alleged Esther’s sexy clothing constituted entrapment.

After the lawyers rested their cases, the trial was open to questions from the audience.

“A legal system is only as good as it defends the worst,” Dershowitz said in the trial’s closing arguments.

With the night’s loudest applause Harris said, “I think this time the glove really does fit.”

The jury deliberated for five minutes and the spokesperson of the jury, clad in a black backless dress and claiming to be a concubine, delivered the guilty verdict.

But departing from the traditional outcome of the trial, death by hanging, Haman was sentenced to joining the development staff of Hillel.