The Host with the Mostest

With pre-frosh weekend rapidly approaching, one Harvard first-year is hatching a devious scheme. It may seem obvious that the admissions office wants female pre-frosh staying with female students, but apparently this is never explicitly spelled out. This clever first-year, capitalizing on the ambiguity of the situation and what he believes is the gender ambiguity of his first name, has attempted to pass himself off as a female student to host unsuspecting female members of the class of 2006. “Call me S. Vanderweil. No wait, that’s too obvious, call me Stefan V,” says Stefan G. Vanderweil ’05, in the interest of remaining anonymous.

Vanderweil received the invitation to host pre-frosh just like every other first-year. But he decided he might be able to pass himself off as a female on the online registration form, enabling him to host female pre-frosh.

Vanderweil says he had no choice but to resort to this gender-bending hoax. “All the girls at Harvard already know I’m a dirty sleazebag,” he says.

FM’s interview with Vanderweil is temporarily interrupted when his ex-girlfriend calls him on his cell phone. “Can I call you back in a little bit? I’m being interviewed for FM,” he says. “You don’t have to rub it in my face,” Vanderweil’s apparently jealous ex tells him after he explains his plot to house pre-frosh girls. “That’s not what I want to rub in your face,” he responds, with the utmost of class.

“I’m feeling a little lucky lately,” Vanderweil says, explaining that he thinks the chances of his scheme succeeding could be very good. Since one of Vanderweil’s roommates—who wishes to remain nameless and chose not to comment—is also hosting five male pre-frosh, there may be the opportunity for some inter-pre-frosh romance, but that is not Vanderweil’s main plan for the weekend. “I just want the girls to play ‘Survivor’ games,” he says, then tries to explain what he means. Vanderweil pauses. “Wait, how does ‘Survivor’ work? I don’t even know.”

Although he still doesn’t know what he’s talking about, Vanderweil believes his five female pre-frosh will be putty in his hands. “If they don’t play the games...well, I have full confidence that as the pinnacle of masculinity I will be able to coax them into playing ‘Survivor,’” he says.