Gossip Guy

Last week, Gossip Guy got accused of ruining people’s lives. To make amends, this week, he brings you inspiring lies,
By The CRIMSON Staff

Last week, Gossip Guy got accused of ruining people’s lives. To make amends, this week, he brings you inspiring lies, life-affirming rumors and positively reinforcing innuendos.

Josh W. Goldberg ’05 was excited to learn from his mother that none other than superstar rapper 50 Cent has moved in nextdoor to the Goldberg family home. Apparently, growing up rich and Jewish in tony Farmington, CT earns one much street cred. Declares Goldberg, “Yeah, we’ll see if ‘Fitty’ can party like it was my birthday.” For the record, Goldberg spent his last birthday heaving up sushi in the bathroom at Redline.

Every time Ryan D. Hartman ’05 sees his resident tutor, he has to laugh. Or else he would cry. Or maybe even vomit. In a feat of sleuthing that is the stuff of Columbo reunion specials, Hartman recently realized that the kinky cybersex fiend who divulged all of his most perverse sexual fantasies to him on a gay online chat room over the summer and his new resident tutor are, in fact, one-in-the-same. “It’s especially ironic,” says Hartman, “because he described himself as a serious animal lover at our first entryway meeting—I’ve added PETA to my speed-dial.”

Sorry folks, this proves it, there is no God: the well endowed Fly Club just became more so, having received a $2 million donation for “much needed renovations” from a recently deceased alum. First up on the to-do list will be the replacement of gold-plated faucets and toilet seats with ones made of space-aged titanium.

Joey B. Dawson ’07 is totally stoked that Guster is going to play a concert on campus. He’s even more psyched that he’ll have 2,500 seats to choose from.

After finally ending her 3-year romance with her high school sweetheart in September, Meghan O. Miller ’06 is on the rebound—in a big, or, rather, very old, way. For the last few weeks, Miller has been seeing a lot of Stanton R. Carter ’74, whom she met at a Central Square bar. Miller says the best part of her new relationship is getting to know Carter’s daughter, Julia I. Carter ’04. Says Miller, “Julia is really cool with the whole situation, she’s even tutoring me in Ec 10.” When asked her thoughts on the romance, Carter said only, “I got a C- in Ec10,” and then laughed sadistically.

In a thoroughly modern outing, Larry P. Hotchkiss ’04 attended the wedding of his mother’s ex-fiancée over the weekend escorted by his own ex-girlfriend, Helen Carnegie Bobbsey ’04. Hotchkiss and Bobbsey arrived at the Rhode Island chapel only to make the awkward discovery that they were the only invited guests. Said Bobbsey, “Had I known I was going to be the maid of honor, I would have worn different shoes.”

Last week, Stephen B. Cranston ’06 found himself living a Justice essay question, when he arrived in the room of his new Math 21a tutor only to find his Lazy-Boy recliner, which had been stolen from Leverett House storage, adorning the common room. Cranston, however, quickly resolved the moral quandary over whether stealing back one’s own stolen stuff is in fact stealing when his tutor hopped into the Lazy-Boy and then proceeded to demonstrate its seven reclining positions for him. Cranston seized the moment when his tutor stepped away for a bathroom break, dragging the chair out of the room and heaving it down two flights of steps. When later asked what happened to the chair, Cranston casually replied, “What Lazy-boy?,” adding, “I didn’t see your Lazy-Boy anywhere…you dirty fucking prick.”