It was quite the Halloween weekend for Gossip Guy. He was especially happy to see his favorite naughty French maid lies, seductive devil temptress innuendos and polyester clad pimp rumors.
Believing she needs the confidence of an experienced woman to triumph in her upcoming final round of consulting interviews, Diana L. Colbert ’04 has resolved to lose her virginity before she loses out on her dream job. In a terse e-mail, Colbert offered her virginity in a winner-takes-all, first-come-first-served style format to any former boyfriend or male acquaintance who can provide his own transportation to the Ramada Inn at Laguardia Airport, where she’ll be staying from the 10th to the 14th. So far there has been only one offer—a proposal to meet in a rest stop outside Newark. Colbert is reportedly planning a counteroffer that involves a Denny’s in the Bronx.
Meanwhile, back in the Yard, Holworthy roommates Tim D. Boylston ’07 and Dean R. Landreau ’07 couldn’t be getting any more ass if they were sleeping with each other—because they are. In fact, the only tension in the blissful relationship is a periodic quarrel over who gets to be on the top bunk. So what’s the secret to filling out the freshman housing questionnaire to find that roommate who’s just the perfect fit? “I simply asked for someone who also felt at one with the sweet verses of Rimbaud and Verlaine,” says Landreau. Confided Boylston, “I just put that I really like butt sex.”
If at first you don’t succeed, punch and punch again. After failing to make the final cut of the Spee last year solely because he did not smoke pot, Dave S. Caruthers ’05 is again a punch. Though the members have ceased pressuring him to smoke up, sniffing rubber cement until he passes out has been set as a precondition of his admission.
Several members of the Lampoon were spotted at Fed Ex earlier this week mailing off their applications to Blackstone, one of Wall Street’s most prestigious financial services firms. This surprising revelation about the Poonsters’ career of choice may offer the long elusive explanation why the Lampoon is incomprehensible when read as a humor magazine. Perhaps it’s not a humor magazine at all, but rather a sophisticated trade journal dealing in high risk derivative strategies far above the grasp of the financial layman. Never fear though: the Lampoon may not technically be a bad humor magazine, but it’s still okay to use it as a makeshift sponge to sop up piss around your toilet.
At least it was a grand entrance for the men of the Delphic and their dates at a recent punch event at the opulent Newport home of an alum. The boys arrived at the home in ghetto-fab style, Cristal poppin’ in three stretch Navigators and two pimpin’ tour buses. The boys left in mere ghetto style with the Newport police in hot pursuit after one of the drivers discovered a pool of urine in his limo and then tipped off the police to underage drinking.
Though much of the campus decried www.facemash.com for briefly unveiling the ugly truth about the Harvard student body for all the world to see, a few students couldn’t be happier. Jackie Chu ’06 earned herself a lifetime supply of Rogaine when her mannish ’do was mistaken for an early onset of female pattern baldness. And, thanks to his ugliness, Brian I. Steitz ’05 will enjoy an all-expenses paid dinner with Carrot Top courtesy of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.