Gossip guy 4.0—Taller lies, hairier rumors and more verbose innuendo...
Shiny Happy People Humping Hard
In a display of sweaty animal lust rare even for Crimson Key, keysters Sola Abbas ’04 and Johnston Wigglesworth-Brock XIV ’05 demonstrated that it’s not only power tripping as traffic directors on Freshman move-in day that gets them off. Apparently, a strategically placed knee-to-the-groin on the dance floor will suffice. At Key’s final Freshman Week fete in the Fox basement, amidst pelvic thrusts, crotch heaves and a one-woman choir of orgasms that brought everyone in the room to attention, Abbas, ever the sex-kitten, could be overheard admitting in mid-pant, “you’re a great dancer but I really want to fuck [other fellow keyster] Dave’s brains out,” to which Brock offered a rather matter-of-fact, “me too.” Class of ’07, welcome to Harvard!
Making your House your Home
After spending the summer in residence at the Georgetown baseball team house while working at the State Department, Helen Carnegie Bobbsey ’04 felt that her new suite in Kirkland was somewhat lacking. To make herself feel more at home, Bobbsey broke several windows, started a small electrical fire, tossed used condoms about like rose petals, ripped the bathroom sink off the wall, installed an 11 foot stripper pole in the common room and invited two local homeless men to come and crap in her closet. “Now the place is really starting to feel and smell like home,” reports Bobbsey.
Everywhere, yet neither here nor there
Sixth-year second semester freshman, Eva N. Woods ‘98-’07 made a surprise guest appearance at breakfast in Quincy last week. Woods has spent her nine consecutive semesters off “finding herself” in various ways, including suckling orphaned Orangutan babes in Indonesia, working the concession stand at a sex show in Amsterdam and undertaking an 87-day “vision quest” in the Mojave Desert. When asked if she would finally be making her return to the list of enrolled students, Woods replied, “no, I’m just here for breakfast.” Woods will spend the coming semester petitioning to get breakfast counted toward her core requirements.
Everyone’s favorite iron-fisted neo-con/boy next door Cedrick “Skippy” MacGregor ’04 was overheard at Temple Bar on Saturday explaining his continued support for the recent course of U.S. Foreign Policy. Says Skippy, “Anyone who has no respect for the lives of others or of themselves, well, we should just kill ‘em all.” No word on whether or not Skippy has accepted the Bush Administration’s offer to serve as the first Secretary of Brotherly Love Enforcement.
In other Jews
Last Saturday night at Daedalus, in a contest of summer story one-upmanship, a mildly inebriated Benny Sachs ’05 was named the undisputed victor when he whipped out his finest summer accomplishment—his newly pierced penis. The scene, which one witness equated to a tad pole dangling from a meat hook, garnered looks of horror from friends. The normally staid Benny explained why he opted to have a steel ring pierced through the head of his beloved member and out of the end of his urethra as the first decoration on his otherwise unadorned, pasty white body. “Actually, I wanted a tiny yellow smiley face tattoo on the inside of my wrist,” Benny confesses. “But, no matter how small the tattoo, I realized there was still a chance Mom might see it one day—I knew she’d never see this,” said Benny pointing down there. For Benny’s sake, let’s hope not.