'BAMA SLAMMA: Take This, Ringling Brothers

Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages, you are a privileged bunch.

As students of Harvard College you are afforded a world-class education, a diverse community of amazing peers and a front-row ticket to the Greatest Show on…

Murr?

Scratch that. Blodgett, Ohiri and Bright don’t work either.

Alas, The Cantabrigian Caaaaaarnival!

Experience the excitement, the bizarre and the fantastic, humanity’s oddities, nature’s mistakes and those physical phenomena that will rock you in your seats.

That’s right. Buy yourself a ticket to watch one of Harvard’s 41 world-class varsity sports. You’ll see freakish feats that will entertain you like never before!

Hurry, hurry, hurry on down to Brown’s Meehan Auditorium, where the Crimson men’s hockey team takes on the Bears in Round 2 of the ECAC Playoffs. You’ve never seen such a terrible sight. It defies the laws of physics. It’s…

The World’s Hardest Slapshot!

Watch as the Parson of Puck himself, senior forward Tim Pettit, launches one, two, three of ‘em at Brown goaltender Yann Danis.

Step right up, Yanni. Those pucks are hurtling at you at almost 100 miles per hour!

Next, follow the tour approximately 1013 miles south—to St. Louis’s Savvis Center—for the 2004 NCAA Wrestling Championships on March 18-20. While there, take a gander at one of Harvard’s greatest and most popular entertainers. When he’s on the mat, he’s…

The One Man Show!

Watch as The Maestro himself, senior Jesse Jantzen, takes down opponent after sorry opponent. If not, just take a peek at his thefacebook.com picture. He’s a maniac!

On deck: head to the Bayou for a four-game weekend set March 20-21 as the Harvard baseball team takes on Louisiana-Lafayette and Michigan. If that last act didn’t knock your socks off, here’s something that will. It’s wacky. Nay, extraordinary. It’s…

Matt Brunnig!

Brunnig, the Crimson’s third starting pitcher, throws on target. He throws hard. He gets regular mound action, pitches to batters, and gets them out.

Not freakish enough for you, eh? Wait till you see him throw…with both hands!

That’s right, baseball’s own Aficionado of Ambidextrosity is your classic left handed/right handed pitcher. Tell me you’ve seen that one before. Please tell me you have. Cause I sure as hell haven’t!

Harvard’s Raucously Rowdy Roadshow makes its homecoming the next week—the final week before Spring Break—and introduces a sideshow experience you’ll never forget. At the Murr Center’s strength and conditioning facilities, you’ll behold…

The Football Team’s Spring Workouts!

Watch Torrance, Calif.’s own Samoan Assassin, junior Coesen Ngwun—a “beast of a man,” according to fellow defensive tackle and blockmate Matt McBurney—as he works in his office.

His office being, of course, the bench press.

Ngwun is the Harvard football team’s strongest player, topping out at 407 pounds on the bench. And he follows in the rich tradition of American Samoan football players, an astounding number of whom have broken the professional ranks.

“It’s just too bad I’m not a specimen like Junior Seau,” Ngwun says wistfully of the Miami Dolphins linebacker.

Better yet, too bad he’s not a specimen like Eric Westerfield, the Crimson’s defensive lines coach. McBurney’s eyes light up as he talks about the 30-something Grand Poo-bah of the Bench, who one-upped ALL the defensive linemen days ago. McBurney swears he saw Westerfield put up an easy 450.

Speaking of men-among-boys, how about a woman-among-girls? The Cantabrigian Carnival completes its Tour of the Outrageous right back where it started—in Providence, RI on March 26 and 28. Barring setbacks, that’s where senior forward Angela Ruggiero will have her Harvard swansong, playing for the 2004 Women’s Hockey NCAA Title in the Frozen Four.

Ruggiero has that most freakish of talents—the ability to rise to the top of her sport. According to The Hockey News, she is the Top Female Hockey Player in the World.

Come on down. You can’t miss that.

—Staff writer Alex McPhillips can be reached at rmcphill@fas.harvard.edu. His column appears on alternate Thursdays.