RED PHONE (SEX): Man to Man

The days are shorter, the nights longer. A cold wind blows off the Charles. It’s that time of year when FM stays in, draws a bubble bath, pours a glass of merlot, and indulges our wants and needs. We take the big red clunker (the phone) and an elegant leatherbound notebook (a backup phone) into the bath, run the suds, and kick back with a man. A real man—and no one knows what makes one of those like Kenan Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield ’53. After all, who better to riff salient on strength, courage, and action than someone who’s been able to dedicate himself so virulently to ivory tower contemplation?

FM: Professor Mansfield, you’ve been known to “wear hats in a cocky way.” What’re you wearing right now?
Mansfield: I am wearing cocks instead of my hat.

FM: Heh. Really?
Mansfield: Yeah, cocks on my hat!! Really.

FM: You’ve been unpopular for your notorious, seemingly single-handed fight against grade inflation. Is there something particularly manly about making this or any other singlehanded fight?
Mansfield: There is nothing inherently manly about anything. Put some honor on it! That’s manly. Inflation? Not manly. Inflatable men, though? Manly.

FM: You’ve linked grade inflation to affirmative action. How does a real man feel about aggressive women?
Mansfield: Aggressively, of course.

FM: In 1993, you said that homosexuality was shameful and that gays and lesbians “eventually undermine civilization.” What are your feelings for Weatherhead University Professor Samuel P. Huntington?
Mansfield: Samuel P. Huntington is gay. Quote it! It is not true.

FM: Professor Mansfield, you once referred to women’s studies as “a little ladies’ sewing circle.” How do real men feel about circles of women?
Mansfield: They feel…all around! Heh. No, seriously, circle jerk. Ring around the rosie and shit.

FM: Finally, you’ve been criticized for politically incorrect, insensitive, unsubstantiated remarks about the intellectual abilities of minority students. Do you want to come over and watch a movie? Mansfield: Can’t, watching “Must Love Dogs” right now.

FM: Are you a dog person?
Mansfield: Yes I am a dog person.
[HANGS UP]