Uncharted Waters is taking on the TRL chart once again this week. Tragically, Amerie’s “One Thing” does not make an appearance which is an unspeakable CRIME because it might just be one of the best songs ever recorded. Written by the same genius who did “Crazy In Love” and shopped around first to Jennifer Lopez (who would have ruined it), this gem has landed in the dovelike hands of Amerie, a princess and a potential superstar with the best little bounce I’ve ever seen on BET. Better than Beyonce. Better. Most of what’s on this chart does not come close in quality, for a variety of reasons… which I will enumerate one by one.
10. Lindsay Lohan—Over
Lindsay’s skin has turned about as orange as Hulk Hogan’s and her singles keep fading apace. Amerie could kick the fertility out of her, I promise, and if only you guys watched more BET, you’d know it. “One Thing” is better than “Over” because Amerie goes “bing! bing! bing!!” in the pre-chorus, which is something that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t know how to do yet.
9. Green Day—Holiday
Billie Joe Armstrong in “next Bono” shockah!! Wears mostly black now, says “zieg heil and “kill the fags” in his songs but doesn’t mean it, except for ironically. Gets snotty ‘bout the government and keeps trying to roll with the media’s unsupported notion that American Idiot is somehow a political album. Amerie’s “One Thing” is better because the guitars sound like guitars instead of cardboard.
8. Gwen Stefani—Hollaback Girl
She’s no M.I.A. but at least she’s trying. No terrorist dad means no success all up on the blogosphere! Amerie is still better because she’s doing her own thing!!
7. Britney Spears—Do Somethin’
This song’s SUCH a stinker that to this day I can’t believe they chose it as the first single to what will likely be Britney’s last album in a long time. Perhaps “Do Somethin’” means “Get Preggers” (rimshot!!). “One Thing” is better in the same way that “Hit Me Baby One More Time” was better than a funeral march.
6. The Game ft. 50 Cent—Hate It Or Love It
A nearly perfect song—brilliant beat, slick chorus, and repeated references to the classic cartoon “Underdog,” which Amerie’s “One Thing” sadly lacks. Guess that’s the end of that “theme” for this week’s Uncharted Waters.
5. Ludacris—Number One Spot
Haha. Ludacris just saw Austin Powers on the USA Network and now he can’t quit talking about it, all repeating lines and saying “shag” in conversation. D’you guys see that movie though? Funny movie.
I listen to the beginning of this song and pretend that Eminem is talking to me. That he is my daddy, and that I am the little soldier he is addressing. As he eloquently puts it, we’re all we’ve got in this world—when it spins, when it swirls, when it whirls, when it twirls. I love you too, papa.
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Math 55 Can't Even Put Mariah's Love Back Together Again<p>Year after year, the admissions office waxes poetic about the virtues of a "well-rounded class"—a class whose members have every expertise imaginable, from the International Math Olympian to the internationally ranked pole vaulter. And for the most part, they must have succeeded: everyone has a friend of a friend with an obscure talent honed to perfection.</p><p>Not so, says Mariah Carey. "Up Out My Face," released from her upcoming album, takes a swipe at the Lego skillz of this year's senior class:</p><p>If we were two Lego blocks</p><p>Even the Harvard University graduating class of 2010</p><p>Couldn’t put us back together again.</p><p><param name="src" value="http://swf.tubechop.com/tubechop.swf?vurl=GVNJCudjj54&start=169&end=184&cid=28565" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /></p><p>Flyby would be flabbergasted if no one in the class of 2010 spent a childhood building edifices to humanity from these interlocking bricks. And the seniors may not take those lyrics sitting down, if Class Marshal Shiv M. Gaglani '10 is to be believed:</p><p>Maybe we'll take her up on the challenge. I'm positive we have somebody in our class who can build Lego robots that can take over the world.</p><p>And if not, Mariah, look no further than that tech school downriver.</p>
Math 55 Can't Even Put Mariah's Love Back Together AgainYear after year, the admissions office waxes poetic about the virtues of a "well-rounded class"—a class whose members have every
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